There are times in my life where random things bring back very vivid memories. Some are good, but most are lessons that were learned all too soon. I feel a great amount of sympathy for those who have to grow up so fast, but the good part is you’ll be a stronger person for it.

Today I was looking at my calendar and out of everyday of the month number one sticks out the most. Number one may not make a difference to most people, but it makes all the difference to me. Number one, or what some may call “The first of the month.”I say this , because I often hear people criticize and degrade the first of the month. It cuts pretty deep each time.  Some of the comments I have heard are as follows.

1.) The first of the month “For people who take advantage of the system.”

2.) It’s when all the welfare families go to Wal-Mart.

3.) They get better food than someone who has an actual job.

4.) If they didn’t spend all their money doing drugs and things they weren’t supposed to do maybe they could afford food.

5.) Food stamps are for the poor.

Now, these are just a few things that have been implanted in my head. I could name a lot more, but I’m sure you get the point by now. You may be thinking “Wow that’s harsh.” or “What a pity for a child to hear.” You may also be reading this and realize you have made such comments or thought the same things before. At the same time I can’t blame you. With that being said I’m not one to get into political debates, and I can agree that the system does get abused. The only reason I can say that I agree is ,because I have lived in  both sides of each world. One thing I will argue is that no child or human being should be treated as if they have no potential. If everyone I had met treated me that way I’m sure I would have never made it out of my poverty stricken home. I would have never been able to “Break the cycle.” If it wasn’t for the first of the month I may not have made it at all.

I want you to be able to see and feel the things I saw, heard, and the feelings I went through. Not so you don’t say those things, because you can say whatever you want. I do hope the next time you have these these thoughts you take into consideration everyone that is involved. After all it’s not like children can pick their circumstances. You deal with the hand you are dealt. Some make it out, and others will continue to live the only way they know.

Growing up I never knew anything about the welfare system, and what all it entailed. This is how it was. Every month on the first we would be able to get a lot of food. Most of the time it would be the same routine. Frozen dinners, hot dogs, cans of beans, boxes of mac and cheese, spaghetti, chips, soda, Ramon noodles, and snack food. When feeding a lot of people you have to find what will stretch the farthest while also looking for the most inexpensive things.

If there is one thing that I am aware of in life I would have to say limits. I say limits, because it’s been something that has always lingered. I can remember helping at the grocery store. I wanted to pick out a new cereal or try a new juice, but you could only choose certain things that were approved. When my siblings were younger we always received WIC(Women’s, Infant, and Children)  support. This allowed you to get milk, cereal, juice, cheese, and the other necessities you need while growing. Of course I never knew the difference in being able to have a choice in what you pick. I was just a child, and it just part of life.

The food we got lasted till about mid month. After that things began to get really low. I have to give credit to my grandparents though. They tried to make it stretch, but it just wasn’t enough for so many people. When it came to money there was just no budgeting. By the end of the month we would be completely out of everything.  When your hungry I don’t know if everything taste good or if it’s just finding something new to combine that you have never tried. We would eat yellow mustard with bread, crackers and butter, or any other combination we could find. We always had a garden growing up, and that is what saved us a lot in the summers. Tomato and mayo sandwiches, the veggies, and the watermelon. Although I hated working in the garden, and always found a way to say I needed a drink. In actuality I wanted to just go inside, and not work in the garden. I have to admit all the work my grandpa put into that garden is what allowed food to stretch a little farther.  In the winters my grandpa would go hunting. I can remember his friends bringing their deer for us to skin, cut, and freeze. It may not have had any significance or meaning to them, but to us it meant the world.

I get a flash back of when I was cooking dinner one night. I had made everyone’s plates, but my older brother wasn’t home yet. I had made a plate to save for him and my little brother comes around the corner. He looks at me and says “Sis can I have some more?” I yelled, because it was frustrating. “No you can’t!” “Everyone hasn’t had dinner yet.” He put his head down and walked away. I still think about that and think how hungry was he? It’s sad and a memory I will never forget. I also remember myself and my siblings telling my grandparents “I wish we weren’t poor.” They would say “You don’t know what poor is.” I’m sure they were right. Things could have been worse than what they were. At the moment of saying that all I could see is what I was supplied with.

Flash forward a few years. I was in foster care, and needed a new pair of glasses. I went to the eye doctor before, and they always just gave us one small wall to pick from, because all we had was a medical card. The medical card covers your basic needs. So this was yet another limit that I had to face. You choose from the 20 pair of glasses they show you. As a child I really didn’t understand why. As I got older the little options that I was gave really started to bother me. I went to the eye doctor with my foster mom, and once again they gave me a small selection to choose from. I stood there and stared at them for a while, and just started to cry. I’m not sure if she realizes why I started to cry. I told her that there weren’t any I liked. The reason was, because I was so tired of having so many limits constantly. I was old enough to know the look on peoples faces. To see the disapproval, and recognize that it wasn’t right.  As I stood there and tried to pull myself together I wondered why things were this way. She let me pick out any glasses I wanted that day. This was one of the many signs that showed me choices were out there. I just had to work hard, and remind myself that I do have options.

When I was in college I worked and went to school full time. This was difficult, but I had to learn to balance it out. By the time my senior year came around  I had to student teach. They didn’t want me working a full time job, and student teaching. Student teaching is a full time job in itself. You need to take time for lesson plans and preparing for each day. I met with my professors about this and was recommended to apply for food stamps. I don’t know if it was pride that made me reluctant, but that was the last thing that I wanted. I looked at myself and began to wonder why I wouldn’t accept the help that was available.  After all I worked, and went to school full time. It became apparent that I was basing this negative connotation off of my previous experience. The experience of the looks growing up, and the experience while being in foster care.

Before I applied for food stamps the foster care system provided a food allowance for me. It was a voucher that could be used at Wal-Mart. I took it to Wal-Mart and asked how to use it. They told me that I could get anything I wanted, but to make sure I didn’t exceed the limit.  The voucher said food and pantry items. I got what I needed and checked out. I had to check out at customer service. They had to go through my whole cart to make sure I didn’t pick anything that wasn’t on the list. I had some ribs in the cart, and the lady looked at me and said “That’s not a pantry item.” She called the office in Charleston that permitted the voucher to ask them if this was allowed.This was time consuming and humiliating. I was embarrassed to have to go through this process. So I didn’t want to have to deal with the wrath of having food stamps either.I finally accepted I needed the help, and applied. Now days the process has changed. You no longer get the food stamps you get a debit card. This was surprising to me. I went and I used it, and I have to admit it did help me as a struggling college student.

This all came to mind while sitting at my desk in Korea staring at my calender. It came to mind, because it was a way of life for me and still is for my family. I can’t help but to feel guilty and blessed at the same time.

I feel guilty, because I want them to see all the wonderful things this world has to offer. I often ponder why people wouldn’t want more out of life. I have asked myself this question many times. I would even ask other people. For some reason the only answer that seemed to be some what logical was “If you survived it once you can survive it again.” In most cases this may be true. It’s true for several reasons.

1.) Lack of knowledge  2.) Lack of resources 3.) Lack of support

Without knowledge you can’t grow mentally. Without knowledge you can’t locate the proper resources and without having the proper resources you lack the right amount of support.Maybe the truth is that this life is all they know. It would have been the only thing I ever knew if no one had shown me differently.

I was recently asked a question. “If you could send a message to a large group of people what would you say?” It’s been on my mind for a while now. I have thought about it and wanted to come up with something someone has never said, but I don’t know if that’s possible. So instead I’ll just say what’s on my heart.

I would tell people not to let limits hold you back. Remember where you are in life isn’t where you’re always going to be. Things will change, people will change, life will change. You will gain, and you will lose. Why keep limits from holding you back? You have your whole life ahead of you. Find a way around them, through them, or get over them. They are walls that can be broken. It’s better to chance something and fail then to never try at all. Look at it this way; It makes for a good story. In the end those limits will make or break you . Let them make you. Let them mold you into an independent, stubborn, flexible, and courageous person.

I am a very fortunate individual. I have been been able to see the best and the worst of each world. Why do I call myself fortunate? I call myself fortunate, because without knowing the worst I would never be able to appreciate the best the way that I do. I see the little things. I pay great detail to the work that goes into things. I know that I don’t have to settle for good when I can have great. Quite Frankly limits are just bullshit.