Happiness

I have been keeping busy lately, but have had a lot of thoughts in the back of my head. The main thing I keep thinking about is happiness. It goes back to the first night I went into foster care. The police came to our front door , and told my grandparents that we were all being removed from their custody. Of course this was all of a sudden and we were told to pack a book bag. All six of us were split up by two’s and put into 3 different police cars and taken to local families homes in our town. It was around nine or ten at night and I walked into my foster parents home with my back pack and just sat on the couch taking in all the surroundings. I didn’t really know what was going to happen. At that point this was just a temporary place to live. That night they showed us our rooms and where we would sleep. I had never had my very own room before so this was all new to me. My sister slept in the room next to me. I changed out of my clothes and into pajamas and sat on the side of the bed and started crying. My whole world had changed in a matter of a couple of hours. My foster mom came in the room and asked me if I was okay. The only thing I could manage to sob out is “What does it mean to be happy?” She told me she couldn’t really define it, but I would find my happiness along the way.

I went to school the next day, and I can remember being so embarrassed. My town is so small and word gets around very fast. I didn’t know what to tell people or how they would react but I knew they had heard what had happened the night before. I walked into my class and a couple of students asked me what happened. They had heard I ran away from home. I never really talked about my situation to anyone because I knew they couldn’t relate to it; and I was so embarrassed. I received counseling, on a weekly basis. It was a way to let things out to someone who was just an outsider. I found that talking about things actually made it a little easier. I would always hold everything in, and found that isn’t a healthy way to live. I actually continued the counseling through college, and joined a group called WVFAM with former foster children to travel around West Virginia to speak to the judicial board about the system and our experiences while being in foster care.

Suppressed Thoughts

One time we were all sitting on a panel and the room was open to ask any questions they wanted. There were tears shed while answering the questions but it was nothing to be ashamed of. These questions made me relive some very sad times that I had been suppressed to the back of my mind. It was the cold hard truth and I wanted to share my experience to hopefully help improve the foster care system. One of the questions was normalcy. What was normal for me? What did I experience that was different from everyone else who was “normal”. The topic of prom and homecoming came up. We never had the money for any fancy dresses like the ones that are worn to homecomings most of the time. Fortunately, my friend Jessa I had mentioned before new the in’s and the outs of second-hand shopping and had a lot of friends with kids my age. I remember one night she was bartending and she put up a sign for donations in her tip jar to help me get the things I needed. These things may have been my homecoming dress, money to go on a school trip, or anything she always made sure I had what I needed. Then when in foster care I was fortunate enough to have foster parents like Jim and Judy who provided me with what I needed and what I wanted as well. So there may have been obstacles in the way but I managed to get by and have a good time at all my homecoming dances and prom. My senior year I was even homecoming queen. Pretty crazy how a little confidence can help someone go so far. Then the topic of driving came about. I was already 17 almost 18 and I had never really drove before besides with Jessa out in a field or out some back roads. One time she took me to drive around town and I didn’t realize you were supposed to start turning before you actually made the turn and about had a head on collision the very first time. Needless to say I was scared and pulled the car over and let her drive. Then I lived with my foster parents. My foster dad Jim took me driving a few times. He attempted to try to teach me to drive a standard at one point, but his patience ran low on that one! One night we were out driving with my sisters and the light turned green. I was kinda staring out in space and he said “Just go straight.” Well I went straight alright …right down a one way street! I laugh every time I think about that story, because his reaction was priceless! Needless to say I learned how to drive and got my license! All these little things that were supposed to be the normal things teenagers when through weren’t all that normal for me. They were little pot holes along the way but I got through them.

Positive Influences

I started to notice that each time I told some of my story whether it was through counseling or traveling all over the state to talk to others; it was a little easier each time. I didn’t shed as many tears if any, and I knew that I could help make an impact on someone somewhere. All along I used to think it was so embarrassing to talk about where I came from, but in reality it’s not where you came from that makes the difference it’s whether or not you choose to overcome it. People ask me how I came out so positive and happy. Another time I got asked the question “What makes you different from other foster children that came from similar situations?” My answer was this. “I am different, because I let positive influences come into my life. So many times children who are in foster care have been hurt in so many different ways. They have been hurt so they choose to block people out. They have a high wall up not to shut people out completely, but to see who is worth letting the guard down for. As sad as it sounds the truth is that many of them would rather be alone than face someone leaving them again. I was fortunate enough to stay with the same foster family through out high school , but others don’t get that lucky. They move from place to place constantly being yanked around. They live with different families, get put in group shelters, or eventually sign themselves out of the system. They fall through the cracks of society and very few make it farther from where they started. I yearned for positive attention and people who made me feel happy even if it was just for a little while. I wanted to have a life where I could make myself be happy. Once I figured out I could make myself happy; I yearned to make others happy. If I would have pushed everyone away and had a horrible attitude on life I know for a fact there is no way in hell I could have made it to where I am today. So if there is anyone out there who’s reading this in the same or similar situation I ask that you please let positive people in your life. They will help you make it farther than you can ever imagine.

If I knew now what I didn’t know then.

There are so many times in your life when you look back on things and wish you would have done things differently. In reality the things you have done in your past were exactly what you wanted at one point or another. Instead of always dwelling on the past and the way things were; you should instead take those experiences and let them make you realize things could be worse. Or take the good experiences and reflect on how happy you were at the time.

Realizing Happiness.

I didn’t realize I was happy for the longest time and then all of a sudden it just clicked. I had been happy for a while with my life and the way things were going. I had made it through college and now I was off to Korea. I got to Korea and thought ” Here we go again…I’m the new girl in town ….once again.” I had several jobs through out college and I always hated being new. People can be mean if they have no idea who you are. I actually experienced the complete opposite in Korea. People were and still are very accepting of new people. I have gained a ton of new friends from all over the world.. watch out friends I will be coming to invade your homes….wherever you may be! One day I was on a random adventure with my good friend Steffi hiking to the top of one of the temple.

What seemed to take two months took us about an hour. We walked all around the place and decided to take a rest. We went into the buddha temple and laid on the mats. While laying there with the fans blowing on us we were staring at the ceiling. It was so beautiful with such great detail. Steffi then asked me “If you had three wishes what would they be?” Without putting too much thought into it I replied with these answers.

1.) I hope I have a good secure job.

2.) I hope to meet my mate someday and travel the world.

3.) I hope to be financially stable to the point where I didn’t have to worry about money all the time.

She replied ” You have three solid wishes. Well done.”

We then laid there and talked about happiness. I told her the story of the first night in foster care and how I was unsure what it meant to be happy. We talked about ourselves and time seemed to stand still. We continued to lay there and I had an overwhelming feeling of emotions. I had made it to Korea and done well for myself. I am teaching English. I love where I am. I am happy. Tears streamed down my face quietly. It wasn’t just realizing I had made it to be something in life. It was all the struggles I had faced getting there. Every single was had made it worth it. I knew what I had to do to be happy. I feel as if I can go anywhere in the world and have the same feelings. I won’t settle for just good, because good is just mediocre. I would like to think that mediocre isn’t okay, but that is me and maybe it’s because I know what it means to just be average. I don’t want to be your everyday average person. I want to make a difference on people’s lives. I find great pleasure from making others happy. I love to make people laugh, and have fun. I am always acting silly or saying the most random things. It’s not because I am just a silly person. It’s just my personality. If you can’t make the best out of what you’re doing then your time is going to go by really slow. I always try to have the outlook of “Things could be worse.” Sounds lame but it’s better than staying miserable that’s for sure.

So if you’re looking for the answer to happiness… I can’t guarantee you your going to find it in this blog. I will however tell you the conclusion I have come to.

1.) Education

2.) Willingness

3.) Selfishness

You NEED an education. Once you have a proper education it’s something that can’t be taken from you. It will propel you in so many different directions. You will have a wide variety of choices to pick from. I realized this in college and again since coming to Korea. I will be going to Germany in October to get my Master’s degree. I know I will need it and now is the perfect time to travel elsewhere to study and explore the world.

You need to be willing to try new things. When people ask me why I want to travel my answer is “Why not.” Why wouldn’t you want to get out and see new things? Maybe I am a little too open-minded (if there is such a thing), but it’s great to try new things and go through different experiences. You will grow in so many different aspects.

And last but not least. You need to know how to be selfish in the right ways. For the longest time I always worried about everyone else. I worried what would happen to my siblings or my family members. I worried that I wasn’t going to make it very far. I worried about life in general. The thing is worrying about things that are out of your control is pointless. You can’t help what people do. Whether you choose to say something about it is up to you. I found this quote and I absolutely love it, because it is so true. ” Your not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep anyone warm.” Living in Korea and meeting all new people has really helped me realize that I am not obligated to anyone, but myself. Take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place.