It’s often the moments of shame that make us who we are, but yet it’s those parts that we tend keep bottled up inside.

We don’t share because we are mortified  of doing the walk of shame,                 ( physically and mentally)  we are embarrassed of the outcome whether its sleeping with a one nighter,tripping and falling on our face in plain day, or getting drunk and making an ass of yourself.

Yeah it’s those times we look around and hope no one is watching. But it’s “those times” that give us the most character. You can pretend it didn’t happen as much as you want; but you know there’s always a little reminder in the back of your head saying “I know what you did” ….”Last summer” … haha okay maybe not that far but regardless it’s there somewhere in the back of your mind.

One stands out in particular to me. I arrived in Thailand and everyone was going out for the meet and greet. We finally made it there and had a few drinks, ate some food, and started to make our separate ways.

One group proposed that we go to a “ping pong show” I listened while everyone debated on what they were doing. I had heard about these type of shows before from my fellow travel buddies, but never thought I would be in the predicament to make a choice of going to one. I debated on it and while some of the people chose not to, the naive me chose to go….to get the experience….you know how that goes…

So we walked in and they tell us it’s 175 baht per person, and that came with one beer. 175 baht is equivalent to about 7 U.S. dollars. So we walk in and they line us all up in the seats right next to the stage. We sit down and the girls come out with nothing but a thong and heels on…right in front of our  face. I felt really uncomfortable so I chose to move the farthest back that I could get …. and the show hadn’t even started at that point! I suppose I should have left then.

The ladies walk off stage  and another set walks on..they have on hula lays around their waste, head, and ankles. They start to play this 90’s music and dance like stiff dolls. I thought the dancing was going to be different, but it didn’t get much different. I could see the look on their face and it wasn’t one of amusement. It looked more like day dreaming. Then all of a sudden they put their leg up on the pole and start pulling these lay flowers out of their Vagina.. a million thoughts began to run through my head as my mouth was gaped open and my eyes were 2x bigger than what they already are! I seriously was thinking “How is that even possible?” “Who put it up there?” “When are they going to run out of flowers?” … it ended and I was sitting there really confused.

 

The next group of girls came out and they threw balloons all over the stage  I sat wondering “What could they possibly be doing now… Then they started dancing like stiff dolls again.. before you knew it their legs went up   again and they started pulling needles on a string out of their vagina this time!  Then they let the men around the bar pull them out and pop the balloons. The looks on the girls faces was painful.. I can’t ever imagine what that would feel like ..nor do I want to..As if I wasn’t flabbergasted already ….

I sat there bewildered wondering what could possibly happen next… They come out with buckets of soap and started doing their weird stiff swaying back and forth again. The lights went dim ..they started to lay down to put the soap on themselves and each other. Then they proceeded to grind on each other.

^^ —see patrick …that was me…

The next set of girls come out and they are just naked without any props.  They start dancing and the song I want to stand with you on the mountain comes on….They slowly make their way to the floor and begin to lick each other out and look miserable…

At this point I couldn’t help but to feel bad for the girls. We paid 7 dollars to get into this place for “the experience” and it’s a choice that I can say I feel ashamed of. Not only did the girls look like they were in pain, sad , and numb the whole time. I observed them take shot after shot. I watched men buy them drinks and grope them. I watched them leave the stage and not come back out. Where they went is a mystery to me, but that was beyond the point of what was happening.

This was my first experience with any thing like this. I did it “because everyone else was doing it and I wanted to see what all the hype was all about.” I heard my grandmas voice in the back of my head “oh now if they jumped off a bridge would you do it too?” Should have listened … should have listened…

I guess hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it? Lessons like these you unfortunately have to learn the hard way sometimes, but I feel that these lessons of shame should be shared more often.  They are the lessons that shape and mold us to be better individuals and make better choices in our future. Not only did I learn from a choice I made; but I hope that my lesson or regret reaches someone else to help make the right choice at the right time.

I haven’t been able to get the thoughts out of my head. I can’t help to think about how sad they look, how young they looked, and how they even got into that kind of business.

So I wrote a poem to try and describe it.

Dead Souls, Dead Flowers

Dance, dance until your lost

Blocking out all the sound

Trying not to let my head fall to the ground

Trying to impress by showing my breast

Letting everything show to strangers I do not know

hoping for a good night and not to get in a fight

Men paying me to sit by them

While they touch me and try not to offend

I come on stage and dance around

Counting the hours down

Take a  shot to feel at home

When really I want to groan

The pain is real it’s what I feel

I’m put on stage to impress

But really it’s a lot of stress

Feeling elude and not in  the mood

I try to stay calm and not be rude

Feeling dead inside my head

I stand in these heels day dreaming of better days

My soul is dazed

 I feel like a dead flower in the haze.  

Dead Souls, Dead Flowers 

I read a book called The Defining Decade – Why your twenties matter and how to make the most of them now by MEG JAY I would highly suggest this book to those in their twenties and thirties! Here is a quote from the book.

“Everyone learns things the hard way at some point or another , and our brains take pictures so the learning stays with us. This is the basis for the saying ” That’s a lesson you will never forget.” It is jarring-but efficient and often necessary-way to go.”

Thank You for reading and sharing my blog. I hope my lessons help along the way.