I was raised by my grandparents since I was born. My mother was always in and out of my life. She had a bad alcohol and drug problem. I’ve never met my father. When I was little I would call my mother mommy and my grandma mom and my grandpa dad.
As a child all you see are your parents, and never realize all the faults that they have. Even though I never knew when I was going to see my mother again I was always looking forward to her returning. My grandma would always say “Don’t worry sissy she’ll be back.” That’s just what she did. She came back, but it was on her own terms, and she would be pregnant again. I was excited for a new brother or sister, but then I was getting older and being the second oldest it became a job. A job to help and take care of my siblings. My little sister was a baby. I was in fifth grade, and at this point there were six kids. My grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. I saw the strongest woman I know got so sick,and I would have to get up and take turns with my sister for the feedings in the middle of the night. Being in fifth grade this all became so very exhausting. My friends mom would come clean out my grandmas chest tube. Over time she beat cancer, but it was a long journey. Becoming older I was beginning to see that my Mother wasn’t really a mother. I became very angry and didn’t understand how someone can just abandon their children. I was angry, because life just wasn’t fair. I wanted to be a normal kid and not have all these worries in life. I would love going to my friend Kaila B’s house, because her mom would cook dinner, and make me try new things. They took me places with them, and I was always so happy when I was invited over even if it was for the day. I couldn’t grasp why my mother wanted to leave. Eventually I just stopped asking when she would return.
One moment sticks out specifically in my head. She was leaving to go to the bus stop to go back to what she had been doing. Me and my friend took her to the bus stop. We didn’t talk the whole way there. I knew she was leaving and it honestly pissed me off. How could she keep doing this? Keep letting down her children. Did we not make her proud? Did she not want to be around her lovely children? Why was alcohol so overpowering? I had a lot of things that I wanted to say, but I chose to say nothing. A small piece of my heart was hoping that she would turn around and say she wasn’t leaving this time. I waited for the bus to come in silence. It came and she got out of the car. She didn’t even turn around. Alcohol had won again. Years later when I was in college I went to support group for children with alcoholic parents. The first couple times was extremely difficult. There weren’t only children there that had alcoholic parents, there were grown adults that had grown up in the same situation and became the person they swore they would never be. I broke down and just sobbed to myself, not because it was hard to talk about, but because the damage had already been done. It hurt to accept this horrible disease had been such a huge part of my life. I had seen my mother bring guys back, go out and get drunk, and be on pills or whatever else she had. I remember one time she had left, and was gone for such a long time. She came back in the middle of the night. She was very drunk and fell down and was foaming from the mouth having a seizure. As I stood over top of her I told myself that I would never be like her. It was disturbing , and something I will never forget. To this day she still comes in and out.
We talked once I was older and I told her that I forgave her, it was very hard. It was something I wanted to do for myself though. Something I needed to do. So I forgave her, but I will never forget that she was never around, she missed the best years of my life, didn’t watch me off to homecoming, prom, missed birthdays, high school and college graduation. I know that she had a terrible problem and still does, but I don’t want to hold a grudge against her it will only make the anger and resentment worst. I did what was best for myself and her.
I tell people about my life and what I saw growing up and a question I get all the time is “How are you not bitter?” I choose to not be bitter. Granted I saw so many things way before my time that is what made me who I am. I became a resilient, independent, and strong-willed individual. I grew to learn what I had to do to survive. I learned that your present circumstances don’t have to determine your future. I am capable of so many things, because I endured so much. I didn’t let myself become a product of my environment. I became a better person instead of bitter.
The impact you have as a parent or adult is tremendous, and even when you make a mistake you teach lessons. Always remember that lessons are important in your life. The good and the bad ones. They make you who you are, and guide you to where you need to be.
This is something I wanted to write about, because now that I am a teacher I am constantly teaching lessons, and see what a huge Impact I can have on so many children. I was always the student who said “I will never be a teacher!” I was looking back and realized that if I hadn’t had some really good teachers to guide me along the way I would have slipped through the cracks, and probably not made it very far. I wanted to be someone who could teach people, someone who could make a difference in someone’s life, and teacher was the perfect opportunity to do that.
My first memory of a teacher was in Kindergarten. They had me brush my teeth everyday. I never saw the other students doing this, but once I got older I realized it was because my teeth were in really bad shape. fast forward to fourth grade I had a very nice teacher who always talked to me and asked me how I was doing. It was nice to have someone asking me how I was. It felt like they cared. Fifth grade we had a school secretary that realized I was struggling she would take me home with her , and cook me dinner. I always had the best time just relaxing for the evening, and eating really delicious homemade food. My fifth grade teacher always pushed me to do my best and was always so encouraging. Moving along to middle school. I loved my science teacher she forced me to study and do what I could make good grades. One time I had went to a parent teacher conference with my grandma, and I overheard one of my eighth grade teachers tell my grandmother that if my circumstances didn’t change I would be pregnant and taking care of my family. This really hurt. This was a lesson I learned along the way. You don’t listen to what people say. High school I was in foster care at this point. I come from a very small town so everyone knew I had been removed from my home. I knew that everyone knew,and this was horribly embarrassing to begin with. Little did I know it would be another one of the best things to ever happen to me. I had a good family to look after me, help me, and guide me in the right direction. I will forever be grateful. My teachers always checked in to make sure I was doing alright. They made gestures to show they cared. Even if they were small things they are moments that made a lasting impact. I had nice clothes, I had someone to wake me up in the morning instead of having to wake everyone else up and get them ready. It was a new window to look through. I made good grades. I cared about my grades. I cared about myself. I was homecoming my senior year. It was wonderful. I was able to get braces. In most cases people dread getting braces, but I was happy. I wanted nice teeth. That’s just what I got a very nice smile =).
Moving on to college. I struggled, but I worked very hard to make decent grades. I worked during the week after school or in between my classes. I worked to save money and buy a car. Pay for insurance. I had an apartment. There were tough times, but I knew I had to make it through to create a better life for myself. I wanted to quit, but I always had someone to tell me “NO YOUR NOT.” So I didn’t and kept pushing through. I went to college at West Liberty University. For those of you who don’t know West Liberty lets just say it was a very small college…on a hill……in the middle of nowhere……the good side was that all the teachers got to know you on a personal level. They knew about my life and got an idea of what I had been through. They were all so supportive and caring. They made gestures to show that they cared, and were always willing to give extra help. I made honor roll. I graduated December 2013. YAY ME! I DID IT!
I am so lucky to have all the teacher influences in my life. I am lucky to have the opportunity to be a teacher myself. I consider myself very unique with a lot of love to give. So to all the teachers out there. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I only hope to be just like you .
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