I was going through my old drafts on here and found this one. I’m going to leave the beginning be, because those were the original thoughts that went through my head. I’m sad to say my Nan passed away last year March 2nd the day after my birthday.

I went to see my great grandma Thelma at Christmas when I was home from South Korea. She was in really good humor and was very happy to have some company . My gram (her daughter) had passed away and she was feeling down . This was her only daughter of course, and the woman who raised me my whole life . During this visit she repeatedly said “my baby is gone, my baby is gone.” 

Growing up she would always come and stay with us in the Summers. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland when I was younger.So each time she would come we had to go pick her up. She was very contrary then … you can imagine what she is like now. She means well though . If I were 97 I’d probably be a little contrary too. I love going to see her though .

Each time you better have a coke in one hand and party mix in the other . Besides that she will have her shirt stuffed with snacks as you see in the picture below . 

I just noticed she is wearing the same shirt both times . 😊

This past time I went to see her with my sister Mikki.We took her some snacks and a coke like always . She was still laying in bed and asking where her wallet was.

We went to ask the nurse and they had it out in her wheelchair ready to give her a bath. She gave it to us to take back to the room. Nan said “open it and see if my money is in there.” She never had much, but she had a couple dollars and some change .

I started looking in the wallet and she had all kinds of old pictures of me and my siblings . It was actually pretty funny to look back at all of them.

She proceeded to call me an “old bag” and tell the jokes she has been telling for years . 

“Have you been eating oranges?” …. no 

“You have skin all over your face!” 

She has been in the nursing home for a long time. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind . I can only hope I have a sense of humor when I’m in my 90’s if I make it that long!! 

I found this picture on her bed side table and it’s the only one I’ve seen with her my gram and my grams three kids together .

My mom is the one in the red , my uncle Joey in the middle ,and my Aunt Cheryl on the right. The only one living is my Aunt Cheryl. It’s sad to think about losing family.

It’s worse to come to the realization that I just turned 30 March 1, 2020, and all these people are dead except my Aunt Cheryl. In January my grandpa passed as well.

It’s funny how time goes on people change. Your perspective changes. Your life changes. You grow apart from people, because you you don’t agree with them. When it’s all said and done a death is a death no matter how you look at it or what view point you are coming from it’s sad. You lose another piece of your heart.

I’d like to think my heart hasn’t became hardened, I fret getting a phone call . Each time I do it’s that another family member has died. As sad as that is I’m not sure how much death one person is capable of facing without gaining some sort of numbness towards death.

I was listening to an audio book the other day and one line said . “Death makes us a deeper person and with out loss we would be dense.” I guess that’s a good way to put it.

Through all the hardship I try to remember the good memories to get me through the bad days.

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