I have been keeping busy lately, but have had a lot of thoughts in the back of my head. The main thing I keep thinking about is happiness. It goes back to the first night I went into foster care. The police came to our front door , and told my grandparents that we were all being removed from their custody. Of course this was all of a sudden and we were told to pack a book bag. All six of us were split up by two’s and put into 3 different police cars and taken to local families homes in our town. It was around nine or ten at night and I walked into my foster parents home with my back pack and just sat on the couch taking in all the surroundings. I didn’t really know what was going to happen. At that point this was just a temporary place to live. That night they showed us our rooms and where we would sleep. I had never had my very own room before so this was all new to me. My sister slept in the room next to me. I changed out of my clothes and into pajamas and sat on the side of the bed and started crying. My whole world had changed in a matter of a couple of hours. My foster mom came in the room and asked me if I was okay. The only thing I could manage to sob out is “What does it mean to be happy?” She told me she couldn’t really define it, but I would find my happiness along the way.

I went to school the next day, and I can remember being so embarrassed. My town is so small and word gets around very fast. I didn’t know what to tell people or how they would react but I knew they had heard what had happened the night before. I walked into my class and a couple of students asked me what happened. They had heard I ran away from home. I never really talked about my situation to anyone because I knew they couldn’t relate  to it; and I was so embarrassed. I received counseling, on a weekly basis. It was a way to let things out to someone who was just an outsider. I found that talking about things actually made it a little easier. I would always hold everything in, and found that isn’t a healthy way to live. I actually continued the counseling through college, and joined a group called WVFAM with former foster children to travel around West Virginia to speak to the judicial board about the system and our experiences while being in foster care.

Suppressed Thoughts 

One time we were all sitting on a panel and the room was open to ask any questions they wanted. There were tears shed while answering the questions but it was nothing to be ashamed of. These questions made me relive some very sad times that I had been suppressed to the back of my mind. It was the cold hard truth and I wanted to share my experience to hopefully help improve the foster care system. One of the questions was normalcy. What was normal for me? What did I experience that was different from everyone else who was “normal”. The topic of prom and homecoming came up. We never had the money for any fancy dresses like the ones that are worn to homecomings most of the time. Fortunately, my  friend Jessa I had mentioned before new the in’s and the outs of second-hand shopping and had a lot of friends with kids my age. I remember one night she was bartending and she put up a sign for donations in her tip jar to help me get the things I needed. These things may have been my homecoming dress, money to go on a school trip, or anything she always made sure I had what I needed. Then when in foster care I was fortunate enough to have foster parents like Jim and Judy who provided me with what I needed and what I wanted as well. So there may have been obstacles in the way but I managed to get by and have a good time at all my homecoming dances and prom. My senior year I was even homecoming queen. Pretty crazy how a little confidence can help someone go so far. Then the topic of driving came about. I was already 17 almost 18 and I had never really drove before besides with Jessa out in a field or out some back roads. One time she took me to drive around town and I didn’t realize you were supposed to start turning before you actually made the turn and about had a head on collision the very first time. Needless to say I was scared and pulled the car over and let her drive. Then I lived with my foster parents. My foster dad Jim took me driving a few times. He attempted to try to teach me to drive a standard at one point, but his patience ran low on that one! One night we were out driving with my sisters and the light turned green. I was kinda staring out in space and he said “Just go straight.” Well I went straight alright …right down a one way street! I laugh every time I think about that story, because his reaction was priceless! Needless to say I learned how to drive and got my license! All these little things that were supposed to be the normal things teenagers when through weren’t all that normal for me. They were little pot holes along the way but I got through them.

Positive Influences

I started to notice that each time I told some of my story whether it was through counseling or traveling all over the state to talk to others; it was a little easier each time. I didn’t shed as many tears if any, and I knew that I could help make an impact on someone somewhere. All along I used to think it was so embarrassing to talk about where I came from, but in reality it’s not where you came from that makes the difference it’s whether or not you choose to overcome it. People ask me how I came out so positive and happy. Another time I got asked the question “What makes you different from other foster children that came from similar situations?” My answer was this. “I am different, because I let positive influences come into my life. So many times children who are in foster care have been hurt in so many different ways. They have been hurt so they choose to block people out. They have a high wall up not to shut people out completely, but to see who is worth letting the guard down for. As sad as it sounds the truth is that many of them would rather be alone than face someone leaving them again. I was fortunate enough to stay with the same foster family through out high school , but others don’t get that lucky. They move from place to place constantly being yanked around. They live with different families, get put in group shelters, or eventually sign themselves out of the system. They fall through the cracks of society and very few make it farther from where they started.  I yearned for positive attention and  people who made me feel happy even if it was just for a little while. I wanted to have a life where I could make myself be happy. Once I figured out I could make myself happy; I yearned to make others happy. If I would have pushed everyone away and had a horrible attitude on life I know for a fact there is no way in hell I could have made it to where I am today. So if there is anyone out there who’s reading this in the same or similar situation I ask that you please let positive people in your life. They will help you make it farther than you can ever imagine.

If I knew now what I didn’t know then.

There are so many times in your life when you look back on things and wish you would have done things differently. In reality the things you have done in your past were exactly what you wanted at one point or another. Instead of always dwelling on the past and the way things were; you should instead take those experiences and let them make you realize things could be worse. Or take the good experiences and reflect on how happy you were at the time.

Realizing Happiness.

I didn’t realize I was happy for the longest time and then all of a sudden it just clicked. I had been happy for a while with my life and the way things were going. I had made it through college and now I was off to Korea. I got to Korea and thought ” Here we go again…I’m the new girl in town ….once again.” I had several jobs through out college and I always hated being new. People can be mean if they have no idea who you are. I actually experienced the complete opposite in Korea. People were and still are very accepting of new people.  I have gained a ton of new friends from all over the world.. watch out friends I will be coming to invade your homes….wherever you may be! One day I was on a random adventure with my good friend Steffi hiking to the top of one of the temple.

What seemed to take two months took us about an hour. We walked all around the place and decided to take a rest. We went into the buddha temple and laid on the mats. While laying there with the fans blowing on us we were staring at the ceiling. It was so beautiful with such great detail. Steffi then asked me “If you had three wishes what would they be?” Without putting too much thought into it I replied with these answers.

1.) I hope I have a good secure job.

2.) I hope to meet my mate someday and travel the world.

3.) I hope to be financially stable to the point where I didn’t have to worry about money all the time.

She replied ” You have three solid wishes. Well done.”

We then laid there and talked about happiness. I told her the story of the first night in foster care and  how I was unsure what it meant to be happy. We talked about ourselves and time seemed to stand still. We continued to lay there and I had an overwhelming feeling of emotions. I had made it to Korea and done well for myself. I am teaching English. I love where I am. I am happy. Tears streamed down my face quietly. It wasn’t just realizing I had made it to be something in life. It was all the struggles I had faced getting there. Every single was had made it worth it. I knew what I had to do to be happy. I feel as if I can go anywhere in the world and have the same feelings. I won’t settle for just good, because good is just mediocre. I would like to think that mediocre isn’t okay, but that is me and maybe it’s because I know what it means to just be average. I don’t want to be your everyday average person. I want to make a difference on people’s lives. I find great pleasure from making others happy. I love to make people laugh, and have fun. I am always acting silly or saying the most random things. It’s not because I am just a silly person. It’s just my personality. If you can’t make the best out of what you’re doing then your time is going to go by really slow. I always try to have the outlook of “Things could be worse.” Sounds lame but it’s better than staying miserable that’s for sure.

So if you’re looking for the answer to happiness… I can’t guarantee you your going to find it in this blog. I will however tell you the conclusion I have come to.

1.) Education

2.) Willingness

3.) Selfishness

You NEED an education. Once you have a proper education it’s something that can’t be taken from you. It will propel you in so many different directions. You will have a wide variety of choices to pick from. I realized this in college and again since coming to Korea. I will be going to Germany in October to get my Master’s degree. I know I will need it and now is the perfect time to travel elsewhere to study and explore the world.

You need to be willing to try new things. When people ask me why I want to travel my answer is “Why not.” Why wouldn’t you want to get out and see new things? Maybe I am a little too open-minded (if there is such a thing), but it’s great to try new things and go through different experiences. You will grow in so many different aspects.

And last but not least. You need to know how to be selfish in the right ways. For the longest time I always worried about everyone else. I worried what would happen to my siblings or my family members. I worried that I wasn’t going to make it very far. I worried about life in general. The thing is worrying about things that are out of your control is pointless. You can’t help what people do. Whether you choose to say something about it is up to you. I found this quote and I absolutely love it, because it is so true. ” Your not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep anyone warm.” Living in Korea and meeting all new people has really helped me realize that I am not obligated to anyone, but myself. Take care of yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

Feel free to define your version of happiness I would love to hear it! Until next time, Thanks again for reading and following my blog! Be Happy!

I’ve recently spent a week in the hospital in Korea. I had been to the doctor in Korea, but never in the hospital. It was definitely an experience I will never forget. Being miles away from home in a foreign country on your own can be challenging let alone to be in the hospital with one person who speaks English. Fortunately that was the doctor in my case. He spoke English very well actually and understood how serious my condition was.

I had been to a different hospital before and they had sent me home with some medicine knowing I had severe pneumonia, but I didn’t get better. If anything I felt way worse. So I was glad this doctor knew how serious this was and knew the right things to do.

  * All my medicine =/

The first day I came in they did urine test, took x-rays, ct scan, and a culture test for the mucus I had been coughing up. I was diagnosed with severe bacterial pneumonia and admitted for treatment. I’ve never been admitted in the hospital and I don’t sit still for long in most cases. So being bound down by IV’s and tubes was very very frustrating.

Over the next few days my friends boss Alice who had brought me for treatment in the first place came to check on me. She brought me home cooked food, and asked if I needed anything. This woman had never met me a day before in her life, but wanted to help me. She asked what I wanted to eat, came daily to visit me, communicated with the doctor for me, and checked me out to drive me home. Now that is a compassionate, caring, selfless person who I owe nothing  but thankfulness to. I will never forget the way she treated me and the time she took out of her life to take care of me. I’m very lucky to have met someone so generous.

While being in the hospital I can’t begin to tell you the thoughts running through my head. Then I saw a quote as I was scrolling through Pinterest bored out of my mind. A big sucker for quotes if you haven’t noticed. Anyways this quote said “Some people would love to have your bad days.” It hit me pretty hard. I thought about it and in most cases I do try to stay positive, but I was feeling very agitated. I had to miss more work, we don’t have sick days to take, my pay was being cut each day I miss. There’s nothing to do when you get that sick. It takes rest and medicine. So yeah I was in the hospital annoyed because I couldn’t move or go anywhere. Then I thought “You know I don’t have it that bad.” There is no way I could go to the hospital in America with no insurance and pay a grand to stay in the hospital and get treatment for a week. People have it worse off than me so the quote was a slap or wake up call that I didn’t have it that bad after all. I am more important than the job and it’s important to be healthy. I am fortunate enough to be able to work and have no serious issues besides this little set back.

So I took the days ahead in stride and used what Korean I do know to become friends with my roommates. The hospitals in Korea are very different from those in America. They are set up like wards with eight beds to a room. There’s a toilet and sink in the room, but you must bring your own toilet paper and soap if you want to wash your hands. The shower is down the hall but you must bring your own towels, shampoo, soap, ect. This made me feel like the hospitals in America were more like hotels! I had never seen a hospital like this before. You think of a hospital and would generally think of the smell of rubbing alcohol, rubber gloves, heart rate monitors, and definitely soap. Being a health teacher those are the thoughts that go through my mind anyways. Well they didn’t ever wear gloves to give me shots or change my IV tubes. They didn’t have the complex machines that keep track of your heart rate and pulse. They came in every couple of hours to check my blood pressure with a little hand-held machine, and checked my temperature. It was basic and while not wearing gloves bothered me I didn’t have the energy to really be moved around to a different place. I took the care they gave me and was so grateful they were kind and gentle.

Now I’ve heard that body language and actions can speak louder than words, but I had never noticed it directly. Yeah maybe the occasional nice smile or head nod to someone, but nothing too serious. I can now say that body language can make all the difference in the world. I was in a room with eight other patients. I would nod or smile to them, but really didn’t feel like communicating with them and wanted to sleep. Once I started feeling better and staying awake longer I tried to talked to them a little. One day one of the girls in my room had visitors. They invited me over to her bed to hang out. Hang out as much as you could in a hospital bed with both people having IV’s haha. They proceeded to ask me if I was a student, where I was from, and why I chose Korea. We had a conversation for about an hour.

Everyone had snacks in the room and each of them came over to share pieces of their apples, strawberries, and home remedy tea leaves. The gesture of sharing is a big deal in Korea whether it be a piece of an apple or an ice cream cone. Everyone shares and I like that idea. So when I got snacks brought to me from friends I would give them some. They were very appreciative of anything I tried to help with or share with them. There was one lady who was a little older in the room who became my friend. She spoke no English and would try to talk to me. I just stared at her and said I don’t know. She then would act out what she was trying to tell me and I started putting together the pieces. Just her body language showed me she cared and wanted to help me. She would bring me cups of warm water when I was coughing really bad in the mornings, and act out coughing and drinking motions. She got me an extra blanket from the nurse because the room was cold. She saw me crying one morning out of frustration and came over and gave me a hug. She said something in Korean and held my hand. Later on that day I had it translated. She was telling me she was very sorry I was sad and her heart hurt to see me crying. It was nice how caring she was even though we didn’t speak the same language. I enjoyed the time spent with her in the hospital.

The day I was leaving I was packed up all my left over snacks and said share with the room. She asked me why and I motioned I had very many by stretching out my arms. She smile and took them I have no doubt that she will share with everyone. I proceeded to go down the hall to shower and came back with wet hair. She touched my hair and said “No no” and left. I just plopped down on my bed and laid there. Here she comes back with a hair dryer she went to find and plugged it in and started to blow dry my hair! I sat there for a second and was like ummmm okay. It was kind of funny. Then I got out my phone and started typing in Google translate . I told her thank you for all the help she gave me. Then I handed her the phone and switched it from Korean to English. She wrote back to tell me I should eat a lot to get better. Then we sat there saying things back and forth for the next hour. Her name Lee Ja Young and she has two sons. She showed pictures of her sons and her best selfies that she had taken. We exchanged numbers and I will try to keep in contact with her.

Even though I didn’t get proper treatment at the first hospital, and was skeptical of this one in the beginning it has taught me a couple of things. Don’t let one bad experience ruin it for your other experiences. Not only talking about hospitals, but life in general. There are others options and things to try. The other thing is bad days. Like the quote stated. “Someone would love to have your bad day.” Your going to have bad days, but things could always be worse. Your not the first person to go through what ever it may be your going through. Take the bad days as they come. They will pass and you’ll have other good days to look forward to or reflect upon. After all if we didn’t have the bad days we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good ones.

So that is a prime example of how your body language and actions can make all the difference in the world to a complete stranger. I am so blessed to have such good friends in Korea. Not a day went by that I didn’t have at least one visitor.That says a lot about the people in your life. They brought me meals, towels, toiletries, books, snacks, family members that were in Korea visiting, pens, paper, and even took off my long over due toe nail polish! Even on days when nothing was brought themselves were enough. Being in the hospital can be lonely, boring, and sad at times. If there’s one thing ,  I can’t say I went without by any means. Thanks to each and every one of you that came to see me, text to check on me, wrote to me on Facebook to keep in touch, and helped me get through this rough time. I will always remember your thoughtfulness! Actions ……remember your actions. Thanks again for reading and following my blog!

When you tell me I can’t do something that just pushes me harder to prove you wrong. While thinking about things that people have said to me I realized the actualization on how far I’ve came. I still find myself saying “I can’t believe I am in Korea. The obstacles I have overcame have helped me adjust here quite well. People often ask if I could change anything in my life would I. My reply is “No I wouldn’t because what I have gone through has made me the resilient, strong willed, and determined person I am today.

I often relate back to an experience I had in eighth grade. One of my teachers commented that I’m going to get pregnant and end up raising my family if things didn’t change in my household. Hearing this was not only crushing to hear from a teacher, but it pushed me to prove her wrong. That’s just what I did. I proved her wrong and graduated. I moved away from home and went to college, and now I am in Korea. I don’t know why anyone would have those expectations for someone who is in a rough situation. If anything as a teacher you should encourage people and try to be a positive influence in their life. Don’t think the worst of at risk students. If anything they are the ones that need a little extra care along the way.

“A diamond doesn’t start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular. I’m that diamond.”
― Solange Nicole

When you look at statistics I have beat the odds by and Million. Well a million is a large number but it’s a lot needless to say. Only 6% of foster children go to college and obtain a four year degree. I am fortunate enough to be able to say I am a small part of that 6% percent that works hard and has drive to overcome where they came from. I work hard to improve my life in all aspects.

You can’t change where you came from and what you came from, but never forget it. It’s what helped create who you are and will always be a part of you. Be unique there are too many average people to try and compare yourself to. Go out and try new things. I used to think man I just want to be “normal”. In reality I don’t think being normal actually exists. It’s all just an illusion. Everyone has a story make yours one that people will remember.

I refuse to be another statistic and don’t have time for bull shit excuses. I am resilient and refuse to let anything in the way of creating a better life for myself. Look out world I’m coming for ya!

My heart is racing a hundred miles per hour each beat sounding louder and louder. It’s the same feeling you get when your on a roller coaster going higher and higher. Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick and then all of a sudden your heart sinks. It feels like it’s in your stomach with no return in sight. Then the roller coaster stops and everything is silent. It was a rush with the feeling of being indestructible, but it has come to an end and you must get off to start your next adventure. Crushed.

Time seems to be paralyzed like a heavy snow storm has just arrived and your unable to go anywhere; but with each second passing things begin to thaw and return to the way they were. Crushed.

Feeling like play dough that has been contorted into a form that is unrecognizable; but slowly being put back to original form. Well rounded and ready to be played with again. Crushed.

Wearing the heart on your sleeve, but it’s fallen off and shattered into a million pieces. Crushed.

Nothing lasts forever. Winter will soon turn to spring and new things will bloom.  Crushed.

I often think about my relationships with others . Sometimes things don’t work out and it leaves me feeling  crushed. People aren’t possessions and you can’t keep them in your life.

Some may stay for a day, a month, or years. As much as it seems  you’ve lost something you’ve actually gained a large amount in return. Look at the good times you’ve had together and cherish the memories. Crushed.

I recently finished reading this book called The Invisible Thread by Laura Schroff and Alex Tresniowski. I would highly recommend this book for those of you who are interested in Biographies.

The book is about a homeless boy and a stranger who made more of an impact on his life than anyone had done before. While reading this book it made me think about friendship.  How I could be a better friend and how friendship should be cherished. Friendship is rare like a diamond. If you find a good one  keep them tight.

I thought about the people and friends I have made along the way in my own life. Some have been by my side since Kindergarten. Others I met in college, working different jobs, and  while traveling. It’s crazy to think how much a friend can impact your life. I’m sure you can think of a few and all the memories that you have made together.

Friendship is a wonderful bond to have with someone. You tell your secrets, talk about things you normally wouldn’t with the typical acquaintance. You laugh about your inside jokes, and tell each other your opinions whether it hurts or not. After all  someone needs to tell the truth on whether you look hideous or fat in that dress, and I would rather it be me than a stranger. The truth is hard to accept sometimes. There are also times where the truth is not appreciated.  Those are the times when your friendship will truly be tested.

While reading The Invisible Thread I thought about the first time I met my friend Jessa.

She pulled up outside my house and had on big sunglasses. She was there to talk to my grandma. She had been assigned to work with my family through a company call Five Brothers. Five Brothers was a company that intervened before the children were removed and placed into foster care. It was to try to  reform the family situation before it ended up any worse. In the beginning we would go on trips with Jessa. Sometimes it was to the local pool to have a picnic and swim. She was always good about packing a bunch of snacks for us to have. I can hear her voice in my head now.  “Now remember when you ask for something you say please, and when you get something you say thank you.” These are the little things that stuck out. I had said please and thank you before, but it wasn’t on a daily basis. I caught on fast and rarely forgot to say it with her. Other times we would go on the trail and walk or to the park. The big trips consisted of camping and going to Seneca Rocks. These were the best trips of our lives, because we had never went on family vacation before. There wasn’t ever enough money to go anywhere with seven kids. We had a fire, roasted hot dogs,  ate chips, and of course made s’mores. I would always daydream in the car on the way back.  While wishing I was able to do these type of things all the time I told myself that someday I would.

Jessa had been working with my family for a year and then stopped. She still made a point to check on me and call me to see how I was doing. She offered to take me places with her still, and this made me really joyful. I couldn’t wait for her to pick me up to go on our next adventure. We went to her family’s farm and rode four wheelers, went fishing, had dinner. Sometimes we would take road trips to see her friends.

I can remember Jessa took me to a restaurant when I was 13 or 14. I didn’t tell her, but I had never placed an order in a restaurant in my life. We went to McDonald’s or Burger King if we had the money when I was growing up. We go to Outback and we are sitting at the table. The server comes over and hands us a menu. I look it over really well, but I can’t help but to notice the prices. She notices me looking and says “Get whatever you want.” The server comes back and says “May I take your order?” She says “Are you ready Lill?” I shook my head no, because I really had no idea what I was doing. She read off some of the options, and finally I just said “I’ll have chicken tenders.” She looked at me and said “You want chicken tenders from a steak restaurant?” I said “Sure.” She paused and then eventually said “Okay then if that’s what you really want.” So she had a steak, and I had chicken tenders. Boy was that a good meal.

Jessa had taken me to other places to eat, and each time I ordered chicken tenders. She eventually asked me why I always ordered chicken tenders and never tried anything new. I had to think about it for a minute, because I really didn’t know why. All I knew was that I liked chicken. I had thought about trying something new, but didn’t want money to be wasted if I didn’t like it.  I also didn’t know how to order anything , and would get choked up every time and freeze. Then came the time when she took me to eat. She said “You can have anything you want as long as you don’t order chicken tenders.” I found something else to try and she practiced ordering with me. Jessa had been a server at many different places so she was the perfect person to teach me. I finally was able to order , and would try new things. Surprisingly there wasn’t much that I didn’t like. I can remember her saying ” Now Lill make sure you ask questions if you’re not sure about something.” “Is that Spicy?” “What do you recommend?” “Can you leave the onions off?” She gave all these examples of different questions that people ask. She then said ” If you want something a certain way you have to ask for it.” This was one of the many times I found out there were choices I could make.I am so grateful she taught me how to order when I go out to eat. I still love going to new places and trying new foods.

This was just one of many  obstacles that Jessa helped me get over in my life. I could honestly write a book on the path of our friendship. As time went on Jessa’s family became my family as well. They welcomed me with open arms and gave me the things I needed. I celebrated the holidays with them, went on trips, stayed with them, and moved in with her parents for one summer while I was working two jobs and going to summer school. Combined they taught me how to speak up for myself to help get what I wanted. They taught me not to be a doormat, because you’ll get walked on every time. They encouraged me to do my best , and pushed me when I needed a kick in the ass. I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am for all they have helped me though. Writing this I have to admit I am tearing up. I just see where I used to be and how far I’ve came. I have a backbone and make choices on my own without the influence of others.

There was a time where she still did things for me, but I didn’t seem to appreciate them as much. I caught myself not using my manners and turning her thoughtfulness into something that was expected. I think we all do this at times not just  to friends, but with people, and relationships in general. We take things that were once given freely and turn them into expectations. It wasn’t until Jessa pointed out how she felt that I had even noticed what I was doing. It was true I had taken the little  things for granted.

While reading the Invisible thread I came across a lot that reminded me of myself. I may not have been homeless, but I wasn’t going to make it out of poverty without someones help.  I wondered what Jessa had been thinking when she would drop me off at my house. I never wanted to go home from her trips. I always had so much fun, and learned new things.  I would go home and day-dream about the next place we were going. I wondered if it was doing more harm than good. Having expectations for things that may never come true. Everything she said she would do for me was true though.

While hanging out with Jessa I would see things she did, the way she interacted with people, and how she would speak her mind. I wanted to come out of my shell. That’s just what I did. I would go to festivals and meet new people. I would talk to her friends and ask them questions. They would be interested in finding out more about me,  so I learned to open up. This took a lot of patience and time.

We would go on car rides to talk and just hang out. I would talk to Jessa about things she had been through and tell her what I had been through. One day she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I sat and thought to myself, and then replied with “I don’t know.” She looked at me and said “Well haven’t you thought about that?” Don’t you want out of the area you are living?” Jessa had traveled all over the world, and was fortunate to see so many things from different perspectives. I wanted to be able to do the same things. I wanted to see the world and all that was out there. Then is was back to reality. I was from a low-income family. We didn’t have a car to go anywhere, we lived month to month with no extra to spare. What were the chances that I would ever make it out?

Jessa would always push me and tell me. Work hard and do your best in school. Don’t worry about what people say to you, because in fives years it won’t matter anyways. Do what you have to do for yourself. You have to make yourself happy. Don’t worry about what everyone else says. Not worrying about everyone else was what I was caught on. I had always been the one to help hold things together. I worried what may happen to my siblings if I wasn’t around. I worried for my grandparents and their health. I worried for myself and the things that I may not be able to overcome. No matter what I said Jessa always saw the bigger picture, and would tell me things would be alright. I was a strong individual who had became resilient.

So I graduated high school in 2008. It was a long road of change and acceptance going through foster care, but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I gained so much confidence, I had a positive outlook, I participated in sports, and had people who cared about me. After graduation Jessa and her friend Jonni that I had became friends with took me to Puerto Rico. I couldn’t believe it. I had hardly been out of West Virgina. I had never flown on a plane before. We went and tried new things, laid on the white sand, watched the sunset each evening, went shopping and of course tried new food. It was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. I was so thankful to be able to go.

Jessa was looking for what she wanted to do with her life, but social work is a very demanding, stressful, and emotional job. I am thankful that she took the time out of her life to help me along the way. I think she found pieces of herself along the way, and learned things from me as well. I learned a lot from her and use it to guide me through the never-ending obstacles I face in life. We may not talk every day now, but we still keep in touch.

That was just a small picture of where I was going to go with my life. I then went to college. It’s true the friends that you meet at college will be some of the greatest friends in your life. Even though we have graduated and went different ways we still keep in touch. You see with friendship distance doesn’t really change the way things are between you. You just don’t have the opportunity to see each other everyday like you used to. I call people and pick up like I just saw them yesterday. That’s the best part. We don’t forget about each other. I can say I have been blessed with a lot of great friends in my life. Your friends become your family that’s best part.

Granted Friends don’t always see eye to eye it’s the bigger picture that matters. Is it going to matter five years from now? They may hurt your feelings, but be the bigger person. When I think about the fights I have had with people in the past ,I realize I  didn’t really consider all aspects of the other persons life. What were they going through that caused them to act out in that matter? Did they have something on their mind? Could I have reacted differently?  Like I said before it’s the bigger picture that matters. Keep in touch throughout your life, and make visits when you can. Ask how they are doing on a random day. These days it’s pretty easy to stay in some sort of contact through all the social media that’s available.

If I had to give advice on friendship I would say, keep an open heart. Treat your friends the way that you want them to treat you. Try to look at the bigger picture. Watch what you say, because words are so harsh and can leave scars just as a wound would. Keep in touch even if it isn’t everyday. Don’t take advantage of people. We tend to turn the things that are given to us so freely into expectations. Don’t expect people to do things for you. If you want something bad enough do it yourself. Don’t do something to expect praise in return. Do things out of the goodness of your heart. Be nice, but know when being nice is enough. You can’t be a doormat. People will walk over you every time, and I will guarantee that.

I have learned a multitude of things in my twenty-four years of age, but I will share one thing that I feel is very important. As you grow up there is so much pressure to figure out who you are and what you want to be out of life. I was careless about looks in grade school. I can’t tell you that I really cared what I wore, or what I looked like. Middle school  came and some of my friends moved on to other people. Everyone was just trying to fit in. I still didn’t care about dressing up or wearing make up. High school came and everyone began to stick to their cliques. Everyday you hung out with the same people, you sat in the same seats in class, you sat in the same spot in the cafeteria. You graduate high school and they tell you this is the last time you will ever see your whole graduating class in one room. Wasn’t that the truth. Everyone has gone their separate ways. Most are starting to settle down, buying houses, moving, having kids, and starting a new part of life for themselves. College came I went and met all new friends, and that’s not an exaggeration. No one from my graduating class went to West Liberty. Thankfully I randomly was paired with a great roommate and lived with her all 5 years. I graduated college, and met some of the greatest friends I have. I traveled to South Korea , and since being here I have had a lot of thinking time. I also came to South Korea on my own and have had to make all new friends. The people in South Korea are all very friendly and helpful. I have been fortunate enough to meet some great foreign friends. Even though I have only been here eight months I feel as if I have known these people for a lifetime. Take your time in figuring out who you are. Take time to figure out who others are too. They may be one of the best people you have ever met.

I have also realized that you’re not obligated to be anyones friend. Everyone that I’ve met have come to Korea on different terms. Some have ran to find themselves while others are running from something. It all seems to intertwine. Some choose to travel to get the experience, but while abroad learn more about themselves than they have ever know before. Regardless of where you go in life you are always find people you don’t agree with , people you don’t like, or the ones you can’t stand. I’m sure there will be people who feel that way about you too. Like I stated before you’re not obligated to be their friend. Of course try to be nice, but if it affects you in a negative manner let it go. It’s not worth your time or theirs. If they are meant to be in your life they will be.

Friendship can be a real struggle at times, just like other relationships in life but your true friends will always find a way, shape, or form to stay in your life.

I’ve been working on this blog about friendship for a while now. After making several revisions I still kept thinking of things to add. I often ponder about the good qualities my friends have. Not only do they possess good qualities, they rub those qualities off on others as well as myself.

As Thanksgiving recently passed, and I spent it away from friends and family back home I thought about how much they meant to me. I thought about the trails and tribulations I have overcome, and have to say they were made easier with friends by my side.

I had dinner on Thanksgiving with some friends I have made while coming to Korea. We all went around to say what we are thankful for. I said I was thankful for having positive influences in my life. When you meet people you never know what they have been through or what they are going through at the present moment. Talk to them you never know what impact you may have on someone. They could also have a very big impact on you as well.

Friendship is a very powerful thing. Use it to enhance your life and the lives of others.

An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance.  The thread may stretch or tangle. But will never break. – Ancient Chinese Proverb

There are times in my life where random things bring back very vivid memories. Some are good, but most are lessons that were learned all too soon. I feel a great amount of sympathy for those who have to grow up so fast, but the good part is you’ll be a stronger person for it.

Today I was looking at my calendar and out of everyday of the month number one sticks out the most. Number one may not make a difference to most people, but it makes all the difference to me. Number one, or what some may call “The first of the month.”I say this , because I often hear people criticize and degrade the first of the month. It cuts pretty deep each time.  Some of the comments I have heard are as follows.

1.) The first of the month “For people who take advantage of the system.”

2.) It’s when all the welfare families go to Wal-Mart.

3.) They get better food than someone who has an actual job.

4.) If they didn’t spend all their money doing drugs and things they weren’t supposed to do maybe they could afford food.

5.) Food stamps are for the poor.

Now, these are just a few things that have been implanted in my head. I could name a lot more, but I’m sure you get the point by now. You may be thinking “Wow that’s harsh.” or “What a pity for a child to hear.” You may also be reading this and realize you have made such comments or thought the same things before. At the same time I can’t blame you. With that being said I’m not one to get into political debates, and I can agree that the system does get abused. The only reason I can say that I agree is ,because I have lived in  both sides of each world. One thing I will argue is that no child or human being should be treated as if they have no potential. If everyone I had met treated me that way I’m sure I would have never made it out of my poverty stricken home. I would have never been able to “Break the cycle.” If it wasn’t for the first of the month I may not have made it at all.

I want you to be able to see and feel the things I saw, heard, and the feelings I went through. Not so you don’t say those things, because you can say whatever you want. I do hope the next time you have these these thoughts you take into consideration everyone that is involved. After all it’s not like children can pick their circumstances. You deal with the hand you are dealt. Some make it out, and others will continue to live the only way they know.

Growing up I never knew anything about the welfare system, and what all it entailed. This is how it was. Every month on the first we would be able to get a lot of food. Most of the time it would be the same routine. Frozen dinners, hot dogs, cans of beans, boxes of mac and cheese, spaghetti, chips, soda, Ramon noodles, and snack food. When feeding a lot of people you have to find what will stretch the farthest while also looking for the most inexpensive things.

If there is one thing that I am aware of in life I would have to say limits. I say limits, because it’s been something that has always lingered. I can remember helping at the grocery store. I wanted to pick out a new cereal or try a new juice, but you could only choose certain things that were approved. When my siblings were younger we always received WIC(Women’s, Infant, and Children)  support. This allowed you to get milk, cereal, juice, cheese, and the other necessities you need while growing. Of course I never knew the difference in being able to have a choice in what you pick. I was just a child, and it just part of life.

The food we got lasted till about mid month. After that things began to get really low. I have to give credit to my grandparents though. They tried to make it stretch, but it just wasn’t enough for so many people. When it came to money there was just no budgeting. By the end of the month we would be completely out of everything.  When your hungry I don’t know if everything taste good or if it’s just finding something new to combine that you have never tried. We would eat yellow mustard with bread, crackers and butter, or any other combination we could find. We always had a garden growing up, and that is what saved us a lot in the summers. Tomato and mayo sandwiches, the veggies, and the watermelon. Although I hated working in the garden, and always found a way to say I needed a drink. In actuality I wanted to just go inside, and not work in the garden. I have to admit all the work my grandpa put into that garden is what allowed food to stretch a little farther.  In the winters my grandpa would go hunting. I can remember his friends bringing their deer for us to skin, cut, and freeze. It may not have had any significance or meaning to them, but to us it meant the world.

I get a flash back of when I was cooking dinner one night. I had made everyone’s plates, but my older brother wasn’t home yet. I had made a plate to save for him and my little brother comes around the corner. He looks at me and says “Sis can I have some more?” I yelled, because it was frustrating. “No you can’t!” “Everyone hasn’t had dinner yet.” He put his head down and walked away. I still think about that and think how hungry was he? It’s sad and a memory I will never forget. I also remember myself and my siblings telling my grandparents “I wish we weren’t poor.” They would say “You don’t know what poor is.” I’m sure they were right. Things could have been worse than what they were. At the moment of saying that all I could see is what I was supplied with.

Flash forward a few years. I was in foster care, and needed a new pair of glasses. I went to the eye doctor before, and they always just gave us one small wall to pick from, because all we had was a medical card. The medical card covers your basic needs. So this was yet another limit that I had to face. You choose from the 20 pair of glasses they show you. As a child I really didn’t understand why. As I got older the little options that I was gave really started to bother me. I went to the eye doctor with my foster mom, and once again they gave me a small selection to choose from. I stood there and stared at them for a while, and just started to cry. I’m not sure if she realizes why I started to cry. I told her that there weren’t any I liked. The reason was, because I was so tired of having so many limits constantly. I was old enough to know the look on peoples faces. To see the disapproval, and recognize that it wasn’t right.  As I stood there and tried to pull myself together I wondered why things were this way. She let me pick out any glasses I wanted that day. This was one of the many signs that showed me choices were out there. I just had to work hard, and remind myself that I do have options.

When I was in college I worked and went to school full time. This was difficult, but I had to learn to balance it out. By the time my senior year came around  I had to student teach. They didn’t want me working a full time job, and student teaching. Student teaching is a full time job in itself. You need to take time for lesson plans and preparing for each day. I met with my professors about this and was recommended to apply for food stamps. I don’t know if it was pride that made me reluctant, but that was the last thing that I wanted. I looked at myself and began to wonder why I wouldn’t accept the help that was available.  After all I worked, and went to school full time. It became apparent that I was basing this negative connotation off of my previous experience. The experience of the looks growing up, and the experience while being in foster care.

Before I applied for food stamps the foster care system provided a food allowance for me. It was a voucher that could be used at Wal-Mart. I took it to Wal-Mart and asked how to use it. They told me that I could get anything I wanted, but to make sure I didn’t exceed the limit.  The voucher said food and pantry items. I got what I needed and checked out. I had to check out at customer service. They had to go through my whole cart to make sure I didn’t pick anything that wasn’t on the list. I had some ribs in the cart, and the lady looked at me and said “That’s not a pantry item.” She called the office in Charleston that permitted the voucher to ask them if this was allowed.This was time consuming and humiliating. I was embarrassed to have to go through this process. So I didn’t want to have to deal with the wrath of having food stamps either.I finally accepted I needed the help, and applied. Now days the process has changed. You no longer get the food stamps you get a debit card. This was surprising to me. I went and I used it, and I have to admit it did help me as a struggling college student.

This all came to mind while sitting at my desk in Korea staring at my calender. It came to mind, because it was a way of life for me and still is for my family. I can’t help but to feel guilty and blessed at the same time.

I feel guilty, because I want them to see all the wonderful things this world has to offer. I often ponder why people wouldn’t want more out of life. I have asked myself this question many times. I would even ask other people. For some reason the only answer that seemed to be some what logical was “If you survived it once you can survive it again.” In most cases this may be true. It’s true for several reasons.

1.) Lack of knowledge  2.) Lack of resources 3.) Lack of support

Without knowledge you can’t grow mentally. Without knowledge you can’t locate the proper resources and without having the proper resources you lack the right amount of support.Maybe the truth is that this life is all they know. It would have been the only thing I ever knew if no one had shown me differently.

I was recently asked a question. “If you could send a message to a large group of people what would you say?” It’s been on my mind for a while now. I have thought about it and wanted to come up with something someone has never said, but I don’t know if that’s possible. So instead I’ll just say what’s on my heart.

I would tell people not to let limits hold you back. Remember where you are in life isn’t where you’re always going to be. Things will change, people will change, life will change. You will gain, and you will lose. Why keep limits from holding you back? You have your whole life ahead of you. Find a way around them, through them, or get over them. They are walls that can be broken. It’s better to chance something and fail then to never try at all. Look at it this way; It makes for a good story. In the end those limits will make or break you . Let them make you. Let them mold you into an independent, stubborn, flexible, and courageous person.

I am a very fortunate individual. I have been been able to see the best and the worst of each world. Why do I call myself fortunate? I call myself fortunate, because without knowing the worst I would never be able to appreciate the best the way that I do. I see the little things. I pay great detail to the work that goes into things. I know that I don’t have to settle for good when I can have great. Quite Frankly limits are just bullshit.

I often find find myself wondering what love is exactly. It’s a sad realization, but something I’ve thought and continue to think about. I’ve asked several people on different occasions, and all they can tell me is “You’ll know it when you find it.” “You will just feel different.”

My question to you is “Why does love have to be found?” In todays world I find love to be very rare, very challenging, and limited.  If I had to say something about love I would say “Everyone should be loving.”  Then that’s just the tree hugger hippie coming out in me I suppose. hahaha.

At just 24 years of age I find that the world has changed. People have love for the wrong reasons, everyone defines it differently, people struggle to find love for themselves.

Dictionary Definition: Love-An intense feeling of deep affection.

An intense feeling of deep affection….interesting. This can go many ways I suppose. A deep affection towards another person. A deep affection, because you have finally decided to do what is best for you. A deep affection for your new found love and everyone else who is involved. The definition is very broad so it all becomes very murky.

It’s been said that people put up walls. They don’t put them up to keep people out, but to see who is trustworthy enough of bringing them down. I’ll admit I am one for having walls up, but not to totally close people off. I have them up to protect myself. I’m sure many people can relate. No one wants to be hurt so this limits it from happening.

Often times I think people get into the mentality of how things are “supposed to be” and that’s just in lack of a better term stupid if you ask me. This isn’t the 1700’s where your married, a house keeper, and married with 10 kids. The world has changed so the way things are supposed to be have diminished.

Love hurts and the older you get you either get married or end up losing your best friend. I want to love freely, passionately, and with my whole heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a horrible poker face, but like they say “Every cloud has a silver lining.” I’m just waiting to find mine.

 {Clara Delevingne}

So If someone would come up to you and ask “What is love?” What exactly would you say?