Category Archives: My Crazy Life

Snow Days

January 20, 2024My Crazy Lifebabies, Dog, family, fun, happy, iPhone, Life, memories, people, Perspective, Photographs, photos, reflect, Relax, sad, school, snow day, teachers, thoughts, timesillylilly22

Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…

We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.

This was their first view of the snow.

I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!

Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!

They are starting to look more and more alike!

Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!

The day was very relaxing and much needed!

Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.

This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete.

We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂

This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.

I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.

Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.

In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞

Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .

So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.

Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.

Generational Curses

August 3, 2020My Crazy LifeAdvice, be better, better, blog, counseling, Denzel Washington, family, generational poverty, help yourself, Life, people, quotes, travel, work, zone outsillylilly22

While scrolling through Pinterest, I randomly came across this quote. Honestly I couldn’t agree more with it. Being the first to graduate high school in my family, the first to go to college, the first to travel abroad. It’s not only education that makes an impact on your life. In fact it’s everything around it as well. The little things that people don’t think about. For instance driving, getting a car, and going out to eat. When I first started going out to eat the only thing I could order were chicken tenders. As much as I love chicken tenders this order was out of fear. Fear of not knowing if I’d like something else(food envy is real). Fear of ordering something and regretting it. It was fear of pricing, and just not knowing any different. Overall the inability to order in general.
Since traveling my taste buds have expanded tremendously. I also love to cook different foods( I usually photograph these in my food porn section.)

This quote resonates with me for more reasons than one. The access to transportation is a huge one. I can remember my grandma paying people to take her places. When our vehicles were broke down it was a never ending cycle of trying to get someone to take us to the grocery store, or to the doctors. When I finally got a vehicle in college I drained my savings account (all 1,500) to buy a Dodge Ram 1500 I found in the newspaper. Until I found a vehicle I paid my college roommate gas money to take me to the orthodontist, to go to the store, and to drop me off where her mother worked to carpool to get a ride back home. Are these things a freshman in college should have to worry about? No, but I did. Generational curses are real, and generational poverty is one of them. My family had endured it for decades. While I worked multiple jobs my whole life to try and keep my head above water(until now). I do feel like I myself have broke one chain of the generational curses, but the endured trauma will probably always be with me. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do or why you act the way you act? I do. The more I’ve read into articles on trauma, and the brain the more I realize many of the things I do have resulted directly from some form of trauma. Granted I have had a lot of counseling! The best thing a counselor has ever said to be is “Do you not think you’re worthy? Worthy of someone helping you? Worthy of someone loving you? Worthy of allowing someone else in? From that moment on something clicked differently. I told myself I would let people help me, I would say yes instead of no. I would handle things differently. I would let the word love be welcomed freely. Even though some of my family have told me directly “you think you’re better than us.” Or “You think your way is always right.” Maybe I am? Not so much in the sense of worth, but in the mindset. The mindset of not letting anything hold me back, for wanting more than I’ve ever had for myself , and my siblings. I am better for making myself better. I’m better for taking opportunities for multiple jobs. I’m better for working till 1 am and getting up for class at 7 am. I’m better for sacrificing the average college experience to earn money to be able to get further in life. I missed out on all the spring breaks, and short holidays. It’s okay though, because I’ve came out better. Better for myself and others. Who cares if people talk shit. Let them. YOU ARE DOING GREAT THINGS. YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU WERE. AFTER ALL A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE JUST TALK.

Thanks for coming by to read my blog! Keep doing great things ! -Lilly

Mother’s Day

May 12, 2020My Crazy LifeBeautiful, grief, happy, Heart, heavy, Life, memories, mom, Mother’s Day, overwhelming, people, Perspective, photos, quarantine, sad, tears, thoughtssillylilly22

Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Quarantine Deck

May 7, 2020My Crazy Lifebeer, blue heeler, building, carpenter, cheers, deck, Dog, happy, husband, iPhone, Photographs, photos, quarantine, Relax, River, time, viewssillylilly22

My husband has proved himself to be a pretty good carpenter after all. During this quarantine we have had the time to do a couple home improvement projects. The deck is a very nice addition to the back of our house. It will be great to cook out and enjoy the views of the river this summer.

Thanks for stopping by to check out my blog ! Check out the other tabs if you have time .

Cheers ! ~Lilly

Turning 30

April 20, 2020My Crazy Life30, baby, birthday, candles, iPhone, older, wisersillylilly22

I just turned 30 March 1st. Here’s to being another year wiser. I can’t believe how much I’ve gone through in 29 years. I really hope the coming years are years of growth, happiness, and good fortune. Here’s to 30!

Thank you for stopping by to check out my blog ! Check out the others if you have the time ! Take care of yourself.

Social Distancing Easter

April 13, 2020My Crazy Lifeblog, busy, Covid19, Easter, interaction, iPhone, miss people, people, Photographs, quarantine, rain, social, time, timersillylilly22

Today I went to my in laws house to have lunch with them for Easter. Before that the church had a drive up service. It was different, but a great turn out.

At first I was very skeptical due to the stay at home order. We looked at the weather and luckily it was nice enough to be able to eat outside . Honestly it was just nice to have human interaction even if we couldn’t hug or play games or anything in the back yard.

It was nice to eat a meal, chat together , and spend time together in each other’s company for Easter.

We made our plates one family at a time, and each family sat at different places spread out in the back yard.

I like to be around people ( most of the time) so this has been a struggle staying home. We need to do this to get to a better , safer, healthier way of living.

I have been trying to keep busy . I am a teacher so I’ve had to adjust lesson plans, incorporate and learn new technology , and keep in touch with all my classes.

Besides school I’ve been doing a lot of the following. Maybe you can get some ideas if you need to fill your time.

Planting a garden
Learned to play chess
Cooking different foods
Walking daily with my dog
Writing my pen pal ( penpal.com if you want a pen pal)
Playing pool
Playing darts
Playing horseshoes
Playing Jenga
Doing puzzles
Working on my blog
Learning Tik Tok dances
Reading
Fishing
Kayaking

These are some of the things I’ve been doing. Hopefully you have been able to keep busy with all your time off!

Thanks for stopping by to read my blog! Check out my other tabs if you have the time. 🙂

Nan

April 9, 2020My Crazy Lifedeath, drafts, great grandma, iPhone, loss, memories, nan, Photographs, sad, thoughtssillylilly22

I was going through my old drafts on here and found this one. I’m going to leave the beginning be, because those were the original thoughts that went through my head. I’m sad to say my Nan passed away last year March 2nd the day after my birthday.

I went to see my great grandma Thelma at Christmas when I was home from South Korea. She was in really good humor and was very happy to have some company . My gram (her daughter) had passed away and she was feeling down . This was her only daughter of course, and the woman who raised me my whole life . During this visit she repeatedly said “my baby is gone, my baby is gone.”

Growing up she would always come and stay with us in the Summers. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland when I was younger.So each time she would come we had to go pick her up. She was very contrary then … you can imagine what she is like now. She means well though . If I were 97 I’d probably be a little contrary too. I love going to see her though .

Each time you better have a coke in one hand and party mix in the other . Besides that she will have her shirt stuffed with snacks as you see in the picture below .

I just noticed she is wearing the same shirt both times . 😊

This past time I went to see her with my sister Mikki.We took her some snacks and a coke like always . She was still laying in bed and asking where her wallet was.

We went to ask the nurse and they had it out in her wheelchair ready to give her a bath. She gave it to us to take back to the room. Nan said “open it and see if my money is in there.” She never had much, but she had a couple dollars and some change .

I started looking in the wallet and she had all kinds of old pictures of me and my siblings . It was actually pretty funny to look back at all of them.

She proceeded to call me an “old bag” and tell the jokes she has been telling for years .

“Have you been eating oranges?” …. no

“You have skin all over your face!”

She has been in the nursing home for a long time. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind . I can only hope I have a sense of humor when I’m in my 90’s if I make it that long!!

I found this picture on her bed side table and it’s the only one I’ve seen with her my gram and my grams three kids together .

My mom is the one in the red , my uncle Joey in the middle ,and my Aunt Cheryl on the right. The only one living is my Aunt Cheryl. It’s sad to think about losing family.

It’s worse to come to the realization that I just turned 30 March 1, 2020, and all these people are dead except my Aunt Cheryl. In January my grandpa passed as well.

It’s funny how time goes on people change. Your perspective changes. Your life changes. You grow apart from people, because you you don’t agree with them. When it’s all said and done a death is a death no matter how you look at it or what view point you are coming from it’s sad. You lose another piece of your heart.

I’d like to think my heart hasn’t became hardened, I fret getting a phone call . Each time I do it’s that another family member has died. As sad as that is I’m not sure how much death one person is capable of facing without gaining some sort of numbness towards death.

I was listening to an audio book the other day and one line said . “Death makes us a deeper person and with out loss we would be dense.” I guess that’s a good way to put it.

Through all the hardship I try to remember the good memories to get me through the bad days.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog! Check out some of the other ones if you have the time !

Circles

July 27, 2019My Crazy Life, Uncategorizedcircles, family, food, people, restless, rich, sleepsillylilly22

I’m writing this blog because my mind keeps running in circles. I wonder why it never shuts down. and I feel like I’m constantly trying to think of different ways to live.

By different ways of living I think of jobs. I wonder why I always feel like I’m meant to be doing something else. Is it because I haven’t found that special thing … Or is it the lightbulb hasn’t went off on where I’m at, at this point in my life.

I think of people and it makes me sad when people don’t make effort towards you. Do they outgrow you or do you outgrow them ?

I think of my family and how I wish there were more of us that were closer.

My mind constantly going in circles…

I’m thinking of my wedding reception that’s next weekend . I’m second guessing the catering .. should I have just had a taco bar ?!?? After all I love tacos !🌮 Then again that would have been just one more thing to do the day of….

I think of the wealthy…I work with people who are very well off … And wonder why some of them can’t see how they treat the people around them. I wonder how others are so down to earth. Tonight I had one enteract with me and actually asked in a genuine tone “So how are you doing today?” One of my biggest pet peeves is someone asking how you are doing and not even waiting for a reply… Why bother ? I also can’t stand when you ask someone how they are and they never reply they just seem like they are nibby about your business. Is that normal?!

My mind is running in circles and I should probably go for a walk, but I’m already in bed….

Thanks for reading I should probably get some rest.

I’m married

July 23, 2019My Crazy Lifebeach, emotional, florida, married, nikon, siesta key, weddingsillylilly22

Today makes one month and a day since I’ve been married . We did a small destination wedding at Siesta Key Florida. I never knew how emotional weddings were . I had been to several, but cried at few . I guess that’s why your own wedding is different . Here are a couple photos of the special day.

My sister Mikki and Ryan’s brother Rob were the only bridal party and it turned out beautiful .

We used Siesta Key beach weddings to set up and they were very accommodating.

If you’ve never been to Siesta Key Beach it’s beautiful. The sand is white powder and it never gets hot. Fun fact : it actually comes from the Appalachian mountains and trickles down to that beach .

Can’t believe I’ve been married a month already . Time is flying by . People say that about everything though …. soon we will be having our reception with all our family and friends together . It’s been very stressful getting all that together, but I’m still excited to see everyone come in from all over to celebrate with us. I’ll post more pictures of that later and share my professional beach pictures when I get them back .

Thanks for reading !

Flying High

February 18, 2019My Crazy Lifebenefits, crazy, eventful, flight attendant, flying, goodbye, happy, job, nikon, photos, sad, stess, thoughts, travel, worksillylilly22

Hello World,

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. This past year and a half has been a very busy time in my life. I went to training to become a flight attendant on September 11, 2017. I had came home from traveling and really missed traveling, but I didn’t want to be so far away from home for years at a time. I had missed out on weddings, babies, birthdays, and anything in between. So I thought what can I do where I can still travel, make money, and be home. That’s when being a flight attendant popped in my head.

Do you ever fantasize about jobs and you think it will be your dream job then you get into it and you think ” Shit …. this isn’t what I signed up for.” I had thought that many times when I went to training to be a flight attendant. It was very hard and stressful. The challenges were demanding and it broke me several times. You had to score 90% or higher on every exam and you only get two retakes… I failed test 1 and test 4 …. this is when my first breakdown happened. You never know how bad you want something until you have to fight for it. Well this fight was one I wasn’t going to let beat me. We had emergency drills, test, quizzes, 14 hour days where we didn’t finish till midnight and had to be up early the next day. If you fell asleep in class you were kicked out. This was to get you used to those long days in the future I suppose. My class started with 60 some people and we graduated with 32. The struggle was REAL!! We had made it…. I really don’t think I would have made it without my friends and my roommate !

Then reality sets in and your like damn no one told me this or that.. how do I bid to make my schedule? I have to go sit “Hot” at the airport for 8-10 hours and only be paid half of the time.. I may get called out and I may not…Your shifts can range from 3 am to 3 pm , 7 am to 7 pm , or 10 am to 10 pm. I have the mentality of getting started early and get done early so I always chose to have the 3-3 shift. So that means when they call me at 3 I have 2 hours to be at the airport. I live an hour and a half away from the airport so I had 10-15 minutes to get up and get ready and out the door to make it there on time. Did I look glamorous? Probably not… was I on time ? You bet your ass I was. I have never been one for being late to work or being absent. One of my previous bosses told me being late is never attractive to an employer. Being on time is late, late is late, early is on time.

Social Life

It took me 9 months before I ever worked with the same person again. The social aspects for this job are hard because you work with different people all the time. Some of them have been with the company for 20 years while others are brand new. I found that the people who have been with the company for a long time will just go to their hotel rooms and shut the door. “I’ve seen it all before” ** insert my eyes rolling ** and the new people will want to go out and explore wherever you may be staying overnight. Fortunately I have been to a few long overnights and was able to get out and explore whether it be on my own or with someone new. Why wouldn’t you? One of my favorites was in New Orleans. Shoutout to Stephanie for wanting to go explore with me ! I was also able to swing by and check out Stephen Kings house in Bangor, Maine.

Obsessed with the sky

I have found that I am that person on the plane that wants to sit next to the window on most flights. Especially when there is a good sunrise or sunset. If you say “They are all the same.” Shame on you! They are not and I have the proof!! It’s seriously become my favorite things on flights! I have way more pictures of the sky but I don’t want it to look like I’m not working hahahhaha!

The Pay

I work for a regional airline so the pay starts at $17.49 and you work your way up but it takes 15 years to get to $35.00 an hour and that’s what some main line workers start at! So I went part time so I could pick up substitute teaching jobs, I work at a country club serving in the evenings, and I help this local company can hot pepper mustard and other canned goods. I did my taxes and to my disappointment I only made 23,800 for the whole year ! WORKING 4 JOBS!! No one should have to work 4 jobs to make that little of money. So I have recently made the choice to quit flying and start subbing more often. I feel very sad because it is a job that I really do enjoy. The wages just aren’t merely enough to survive. I not only want to survive I want to thrive in my job. I want to feel like I am working toward a better future. I want to have a better quality of life and on those wages I just can’t do that. I mean who doesn’t want to grow into something better ? If you say you don’t then you should probably dig a little deeper to find out why not.

Benefits

Don’t get me wrong the benefits are great IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND TIME TO USE THEM. You fly for free and by free I mean standby. Standby isn’t a bad thing if you aren’t trying to commute for work, you travel in the down season, and you have flexibility in your schedule. Otherwise you should just purchase a ticket… I was lucky enough to be able to use my benefits a few times to help me out over the last year or so. I went to Disney … well attempted 2 times and got stuck two times with no open seats …we ended up renting a car and driving to Orlando because I didn’t have much time off of work. Ryan and I were able to get first class going to Punta Cana. Susan and I went to Portugal recently and we scored first class on Delta One. Let me tell you if you haven’t flown first class on Delta one it’s unreal. The seats lay into a bed, you get a Tumi cosmetic bag with goodies in it. They serve So.Much.Food. I swear I didn’t eat until lunch time the next day! Unreal experience. Here are a few pictures from my trips.

So as I sit here feeling sad for not being able to fly anymore I feel so blessed at the same time to have been able to go the places I have. Meet the people I have met and gone through the experiences I have gone through. It probably wouldn’t have happened without the benefits of being a flight attendant. I am grateful for the opportunity and I am so glad I made the choice to go to that training ! If nothing else it made me realize that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. It made me realize that I am worth more for what I put in. It made me focus on wanting a better quality of life.

You may be looking at these pictures thinking ” It looks like a great quality of life.” Well until you sit countless hours in the airport, get your flights diverted, have passengers mad at you for things out of your control, get up at 2 am and get home at 4am, deal with working first class which is like people working the stock market. There is so much going on at once. You have people boarding, someone wants you to throw away their trash, someone needs to use the bathroom, people need a drink to take a pill, people are arguing over overhead bin space… and the list goes on. Just let me tell you that bin space is Not assigned to your seat space! Please throw away your trash before you get on the plane Especially if it’s an awkward shaped pizza box! We don’t have that much room for pizza boxes in the trash bin. Buy a drink in the airport or carry an empty water bottle through security then fill it. Please give us your trash 1 of the 20 times we walk through the aisle. We are the ones that have to pick up your things you leave behind! The next time you fly please be considerate to your flight attendants. Some of them haven’t been home in days. They may not have had time to get off the place to get something to eat throughout the day. More than likely they are probably tired!

So as of now I am putting away my wings. Maybe I’ll pick them back up in the future. We shall see. Now I am just tired physically and mentally and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s been a great ride.

sillylillyblog

My thoughts, my life, and everything I continue to learn along the way.