Tag Archives: Life

Generational Curses

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While scrolling through Pinterest, I randomly came across this quote. Honestly I couldn’t agree more with it. Being the first to graduate high school in my family, the first to go to college, the first to travel abroad. It’s not only education that makes an impact on your life. In fact it’s everything around it as well. The little things that people don’t think about. For instance driving, getting a car, and going out to eat. When I first started going out to eat the only thing I could order were chicken tenders. As much as I love chicken tenders this order was out of fear. Fear of not knowing if I’d like something else(food envy is real). Fear of ordering something and regretting it. It was fear of pricing, and just not knowing any different. Overall the inability to order in general.
Since traveling my taste buds have expanded tremendously. I also love to cook different foods( I usually photograph these in my food porn section.)

This quote resonates with me for more reasons than one. The access to transportation is a huge one. I can remember my grandma paying people to take her places. When our vehicles were broke down it was a never ending cycle of trying to get someone to take us to the grocery store, or to the doctors. When I finally got a vehicle in college I drained my savings account (all 1,500) to buy a Dodge Ram 1500 I found in the newspaper. Until I found a vehicle I paid my  college roommate gas money to take me to the orthodontist, to go to the store, and to drop me off where her mother worked to carpool to get a ride back home. Are these things a freshman in college should have to worry about? No, but I did. Generational curses  are real, and generational poverty is one of them. My family had endured it for decades. While I worked multiple jobs my whole life to try and keep my head above water(until now). I do feel like I myself have broke one chain of the generational curses, but the endured trauma will probably always be with me. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do or why you act the way you act? I do. The more I’ve read into articles on trauma, and the brain the more I realize many of the things I do have resulted directly from some form of trauma. Granted I have had a lot of counseling! The best thing a counselor has ever said to be is “Do you not think you’re worthy? Worthy of someone helping you? Worthy of someone loving you? Worthy of allowing someone else in? From that moment on something clicked differently. I told myself I would let people help me, I would say yes instead of no. I would handle things differently. I would let the word love be welcomed freely. Even though some of my family have told me directly “you think you’re better than us.” Or “You think your way is always right.” Maybe I am? Not so much in the sense of worth, but in the mindset. The mindset of not letting anything hold me back, for wanting more than I’ve ever had for myself , and my siblings. I am better for making myself better. I’m better for taking opportunities for multiple jobs. I’m better for working till 1 am and getting up for class at 7 am. I’m better for sacrificing the average college experience to earn money to be able to get further in life. I missed out on all the spring breaks, and short holidays. It’s okay though, because I’ve came out better. Better for myself and others. Who cares if people talk shit. Let them. YOU ARE DOING GREAT THINGS. YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU WERE. AFTER ALL A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE JUST TALK.

Thanks for coming by to read my blog! Keep doing great things ! -Lilly

Mother’s Day

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Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Perks Of The Job

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I really hate waking up early when I HAVE to. The other morning I was called at 3 a.m. to work at 6:05 flight . I hopped up and got dressed feeling super annoyed. I got to work an hour and a half later and loaded the plane. There were some empty seats in first class and the flight was long so I sat down and looked out the window . I don’t really get to do that often so it was nice. The views were amazing and it reminded me how lucky I am to get to see them. So the perks of being a flight attendant aren’t so bad!

P’ Toy

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She walked up beside me while I was talking to a student and said “hello” I quickly replied “Hello, how are you?” Her response like so many other people when asked was “I’m fine, thank you and you?” I said I was doing well.

I finished my conversation with my student and went over and sat down beside her. I asked her if she spoke English and she said “Verrrrrry little bit!” We got to talking and she told me her  nick name was p Toy. I asked her if she had been to see the students art display she said “No I have to finish work.”

She does three different jobs at the school including washing the dishes after breakfast ,lunch, and dinner, cleaning the toilets, and working with the students to help them set up for different events.

She began to open up and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her. She always wanted to speak English, but was scared. It turns out she speaks pretty well and it was easy to understand!

P’Toy had previously been married and lived in Australia and her Ex husband treated her more like a maid than a wife constantly screaming to make him something to eat or demanding work to be done. She was criticized for not knowing much English, but who would want to learn it when your being screamed at all the time?

She divorced and moved back to Thailand. She started working two jobs for real estate and for a cleaning service in a hotel. The money was good, but she was working long hours and didn’t feel happy.

I asked her if she liked her job now and she said ” Yes, I get paid little now but my heart is happy.”

It was so nice to sit and talk as she washed dishes and I think she like it because it made the time go a little faster. When I left Thailand she gave me a scarf she had knitted and a hand made wristlet.

 

Quarter Life Crisis

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UGGHHHHH AHHHHHHH DAMNNNNNNN…. I think it’s real….. A quarter life crisis. Surely I’m not the only one having these feelings at this stage in my life. I just turned 25 years old in March and I was doing fine. I had a decent paying job, living in Korea, having fun with friends, and then BAM… out of no where they cut my job over a month early and told me four days in advance that I would have to find a different job, another place to stay, and I would no longer be one of their employees after the long weekend. For me this was not only a shock, but a slap in the face. I had nearly finished my job contract for the year. I over came many obstacles. I did everything that they had asked me to do and that is the kind of warning they gave me. So I sub for a couple of weeks at two different schools to earn some extra money; then fly home due to the death of my mom. Back to good Ol’ America home of the free..

Only I don’t really feel free. Life has a different feeling once you come back from something you had enjoyed so much. I feel trapped in a sense. Trapped not knowing what I want to do, where I want to go, and what I want to make of my life. WHY WHY WHY… Seems like things fall into to perfect form for some people.

25 is such a weird age. There are all these preconceived ideas of what life is “supposed” to be like. You settle down, buy a house, have a kid or two, and so on. Not saying that there is anything wrong with that but why do things have to be played out like that?  You are so pressured by society to have a plan to settle down.For me that just isn’t practical right now.

So people have asked me why don’t you just get a teaching job in America then? The fact is this. MOST teachers started teaching where they want to plant roots and live for at least the next 5 years. Well I still have things I want to do, places I want to see, and I am not ready to plant my roots just yet. The fact that traveling gives you such a different perspective on life makes me want to do it so much more. If I can earn a living and travel while doing it then why the hell not? I have nothing holding me back.

Seems like all through out my 20’s I keep asking myself ” What am I going to do with my life?”

I have often heard of people going through a mid-life crisis, but that is usually in your 50-60’s. They buy a new car, or move down south, or do something completely out of the ordinary. I felt fine when I was working, but when I found out I had lost my job I hadn’t really had a plan of what I wanted to do after teaching in Korea or where I wanted to go. I knew I wanted to go somewhere else in the world, get my masters degree, and teach P.E. and Health.

Then I found out I was accepted to a  grad school in Germany so that was my plan. To come home work for 6 or 7 months and then head of to Germany….I thought getting accepted to grad school was going to be the hardest part. Little did I know it would become the easiest.. Turns out there is no tuition in Germany, but you do have to pay your cost of living. The estimated cost of living is 18,000 for two years. Now to get financial aid in America for your Masters degree can be difficult.

  • You no longer get the Pell grant because that is only for your undergrad.
  • Your school must accept financial aid ( Germany doesn’t since there is no tuition)
  • You can apply for a loan through the bank
  • You must spend the money in the country if you get another type of grant.

So after ruling out all of these options and talking to several friends about different options I had a life epiphany……It’s not feasible….and most would argue that there are cheaper ways of going about getting a masters, but to me if it’s a matter of 5-6 thousand dollars and I could go to another country to study for 2 years then why wouldn’t I just do that? Maybe my dreams are too big right now, or maybe I just have to find a different route on how to achieve them. It’s all in the way you look at things.

So like I said before I’m back to the “What am I going to do with my life?” Phase. I can’t wait to figure it out and actually enjoy what I do.

What about you? Do you think a Quarter Life Crisis is real??

People, Please!

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You walk into a restaurant and the hostess seats you at a table. It’s a typical busy Saturday night and you have to wait a few  minutes to get your drinks. The server brings back your drinks and takes your order. Time begins to pass and before you know it your food has come out before your salad or your soup. So you scream at the server who brings out your food. “We haven’t got our soup! We haven’t got our salad! And we are leaving!” You storm out of the restaurant without talking to the manager, or even giving the server time to explain anything or give you  different options. The server takes your food back to the kitchen and tells the manager you left, because service wasn’t fast enough.

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People, Please!

I recently came back home from Korea and I have been working two jobs. I am a substitute teacher during the day, and I wait tables at night. The story I told above happened to me my first night working alone. The sad part is I wasn’t even their server. That incident all happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to process what to say. They marched out before the manager even had time to come out and reconcile things.

People, Please!

If I would have had time to respond in an appropriate manner I would have said this. ” Sir, I am not your server, but I can get the manager to try to resolve this problem. I really don’t appreciate the way you just spoke to me, and I’m pretty sure if I were your daughter you wouldn’t want someone speaking  to her that way either.”

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1.) When you go out to eat you have to be patient, especially if it’s on a Friday or Saturday night.

2.) Stop being selfish, and think about everyone else and what they may have going on in their lives as well.

3.) Don’t take it out on your server if your food is prepared the wrong way. The servers aren’t the ones who cook the food. And cooks are bound to make mistakes. No one is perfect.

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4.) Stop acting as if your better than everyone. You put your pants on the same way as I do everyday.

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5.) Tip! Servers make 2.35 an hour plus whatever tips they make. Imagine if you have worked 3:30 to 10:30 and went home with 40.00. I don’t think you would be very happy. that is 40.00 for 7 hours of work at 2.35 an hour. I have heard people talking on numerous occasions about tipping. The older generation tend to leave the minimum amount. Some people aren’t aware what servers make, and others just see it as I get your drinks and bring out your plate. I do get your drinks and bring out your plate of food. I also check on you numerous times to make sure you are alright, get your drink refills, greet you when you come, and when you go, and do all the prep and clean up before you come and after you leave.

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6.) Get off your phone! There’s nothing like going to a table and asking if you can get them anything; to be completely ignored. Come on people! You go out to eat to enjoy each other or the experience. Put your phone away for an hour.

People, Please!

I see when you’re looking around impatiently. I see when you’re tapping your foot or your fork on your plate. I can tell that you are getting irritated when your food doesn’t come out fast enough. I see the death glares because you are “hangry.”

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I can tell that you are higher class and what things the way you want them. I am an educated individual, and I don’t like being treated like a servant. I am there to make your experience a good one. I am there to get you what you need. Don’t take it for granted by running me to death.

I notice when I am introducing myself, and asking for your drink order that you snap back and say “We are ready to order!” Well how about taking the time to ask me how I am doing? How about saying “Okay, thanks Lillian.” Servers are people too. Remember that.

I work in the mornings  from 7:00 a.m. to 3:06 p.m. substitute teaching  at different schools around the county. After that I get in my car and drive to my second job waiting tables. I change in my car since I don’t have much time. The last thing I want to deal with are a bunch of demanding people who are impossible to please. I have already had a long day before I came to the table to greet you.

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I am dealing with my own battles, and the last thing I need is for someone to scream in my face, because their food took too long. Please ask to speak to management if there’s a problem. More than likely you will get a big discount or get your meal paid for. There are always resolutions.

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I have waited tables ever since I was in college and no matter where I go it’s always the same reactions, rude people, people in a rush, higher class so they expected special treatment, and the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong there are good experiences and good people; but you never forget the bad ones you go through.

People, Please!

Lets reverse the roles and see how you would handle waiting on 5 tables with approximately 10 -4 people at each table. All with separate orders, needs, and wants. I don’t think you would want to be treated in that manner.

So the next time you decide to go out and splurge. Try to ask you server how they are doing. Be patient on your food. Enjoy the time for yourselves, and please ask if you have a problem. Everyone has their own story and problems to deal with each day. You never know the battle they may be facing. BE NICE.

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Masturbation

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My friend Steffi met a friend in Korea who is a photographer. He did a photo shoot and named it masturbation recently, because when you masturbate you do it to please yourself.Well sometimes for others, but there’s no need to get into all of that. I’ll leave that up to your imagination! Anyways, I got thinking recently and the thought of life and masturbation went together quite well. You should live you life to please yourself. Some may think this topic is uneasy to talk about; but life is uneasy. You can’t control what may happen. You just have to take it as it comes.

There has been so many times that I have looked back on, and realized I was living my life to make others happy. I would think about what others would think of my choices before I made them. There are times that I now see I could have made the choice for myself, and left the thought of others completely out of it. I say that I have grown so much by coming to Korea all the time, but it’s the honest truth. The change of perspective that traveling can do for a person is unbelievable. You meet new people on a regular basis. These people help you see the world as something other than just a place to live. You see opportunity, courage, faith, and hardships that others have overcome. It makes you want to be a better person in all aspects. Well that’s how I feel about it I would hope that others would too.

Life doesn’t have to be made up of the choices that others help you make. Make the choices for yourself and let those choices impact your life for the better. The choices that you make help create and define who you are. Look at yourself and ask “Is this who I intended on becoming?” “Is this the best that I can be?” “Am I making the choices for myself or for the sake of others?” There are already enough pressures in society to be someone else. You should want to be your own person and make the best of everything.

So yeah back to masturbation. You do it for YOURSELF. To pleasure yourself whenever you want. Yes you may do it for others sometimes. The key word in that sentence is SOMETIMES. Sometimes is okay, but just know when enough is enough. Pleasure yourself in everything that you do. Some may say this sounds selfish, but to me it’s how you get the most out of life. Stop worrying about what others may think because more than likely their thoughts won’t matter anyways.

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Put some serious thought into what you want out of life. Make the effort to change things if you don’t like them. Don’t settle for good when you can have great! Masturbate for life to pleasure yourself. Don’t worry about what may happen, what could happen, or what should have happened. There’s nothing you can do about it now. Let things be for what they are, and if anything learn from it for the sake of yourself.

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