Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.
Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.
I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.
So I wrote this poem.
When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.
When she comes back I have fear.
She brings bad things anytime she is near.
I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.
She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.
As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.
As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.
This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.
Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.
I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.
Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.
When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.
The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.
This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.
I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.
I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.
I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.
The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.
After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.
Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.
The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.
I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.
My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.
I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.
This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.
My mother chose her fate.
I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.
After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.
Does anyone else think it’s so adorable when their dog sleeps? Steele has many different position he sleeps, but usually it’s on myself or my husband. If he’s not on us he’s always somewhere close! Enjoy some cute photos of Steele sleeping.
My husband and I went on a short get away to reset for a little while. We were supposed to go to Vegas this year, but COVID had other ideas. Instead we went and did some hiking in Ashville and walked around downtown. If you ever get the chance to go there for a few days I would highly recommend it. We loved the area!
Below are some of the pictures I took while we were there. We went to the following places.
*Biltmore Estates
*Biltmore Winery – They do complimentary wine tastings.
*Catawba Falls , Looking Glass Falls, Sliding Rocks.
* Hi- Wire Brewery, Green Man Brewery, and all the local ones downtown.
*Flat Creek Boys played some local music
This was the perfect get away for a few days and the vibes of Ashville were very relaxing. I would love to go back !
I left Thailand to come volunteer and teach English in Cambodia. Only this time I am not teaching at a public or private school. I am teaching in an orphanage called Aspire Orphanage. It is ran by a man named Sean and his wife. The orphanage has been open since 2006, and they have made a lot of progress in the last ten years.
Coming to Cambodia on my own was exciting. I took the train from Thailand and it had some very nice views. It was my first train ride so that was a nice experience in itself as well.
I made my way across the border ….they only tried to scam me a couple of times.. Don’t pay extra at the border! They will try to get extra out of foreigners. I had read about this before going so I didn’t fall for it.
I was mentally prepared to sleep under a mosquito net or in a shack looking place, but actually the place exceeded all of my expectations. We have a padded mat on the ground with an air-conditioned room, a kitchen, washer, and wi-fi (sometimes) . At times we lost power for the day so we had to make due. As you can imagine it got pretty hot.
This is where the volunteers stay.
It was nice being in a room with other volunteers. You can to talk and meet new people from all over the world.
With donations from visitors and volunteers they now have a watering system for a garden, a new school for the children, beds for the children, and a new dorm in the process of being built. When complete it will have 8 rooms with two bunk bed sets in each. This will be room for all the children to have a bed and room of their own.
The start of a seedling.
This is where they catch their fish for dinner.
These are the boys beds.
This is the progress of the new dorm that is being built.
This is the stage where the kids perform their traditional dances for visitors when they come. On that same stage behind the sign is where a family of five sleep on one mattress.
After the students perform the volunteers usually bring small gifts for them. This time they got bubbles and were very excited!
This next room I want you to envision standing in the middle and rotating to each wall and taking a photo. This is where the girls sleep.
The ladies at the orphanage make clothing to sell.
This is where some minimal cooking was done if needed.
The building to the left is the outside of the girls room and to the right is the kitchen where the kids meals are prepared.
They cook over an open fire so it gets very smoky inside.
These are the bathrooms and showers for the adults and children of the orphanage.
This is the new school that was built.
These are the classrooms. We hung some of their photos they made, but I would like to see it more colorful in the future.
The kids that live at the orphanage come from all over. Some have parents and some do not . Some have already over came a great deal of obstacles, but somehow still thrive on the love of volunteers and others around them. I am glad I had the opportunity to come to Cambodia to volunteer and get to meet these lovely children.
While I was there some of the volunteers did a going away party for the kids. We made pancakes for all the kids the first night and the second night they made fried rice with chicken and vegetables for over 100 people. They also bought each child at the orphanage a new outfit to wear and wrapped them for the kids. During the day and into the evening they had a dance party and had their makeup done. Then they were treated with some pop. Needless to say they loved it and put their new clothes on right over top the old ones!
One skillet …tons of pancakes… challenge accepted…
We improvised with peanut butter and jelly haha.
So happy !
Teacher me…me..me….
Everyone will get some, don’t worry !
Shower caps were a hit…
I have to admit upon first arriving I was a bit concerned. Once crossing the Cambodian border a tuk tuk driver asked me why I was here. I told him I was volunteering at an orphanage. His response was ” I hate to break my chest to tell you this but only 20% of orphanages in Cambodia are good places; People do it for the wrong reasons so just be careful.” This made me have a knot in my stomach, but I went with it to see how it was.
Work Away had stated that the stay would be 5 dollars a day to volunteer. I understand the aspect of helping with the cost of things, but then I arrive and he says it’s 2.00 more dollars a day for food when it was supposed to be included in the price. I paid the two dollars, but if someone were on a tight budget for an extended period of time then it would probably be concerning. The kids had hardly any supplies in the classrooms or in general to work with so we came up with different games to play with them.
Teaching feelings with skittles . They had never had skittles before .
A maze to practice giving directions.. left, right..no your other right..back.. They loved it.
Just when they thought it was easy … we threw in some eggs .. haha!
I also wanted things to hang around the classroom to add color so we started putting their activities and drawings up on the walls. A few volunteers went together and bought pencils, coloring books, stickers,posters, pencils sharpeners , colored pencils, sticky tak, balloons, scissors, glue sticks, paint, and multi colored paper. All of these things were a little over 40 dollars. Hands on materials are essential for the classroom and learning. They will improve their motor skills, vocabulary , and learn how to take responsibility for their supplies.
John and Bexs prepared the paint and showed them an example.
The younger kids did colors and we worked on finger painting a rainbow.
The older kids were working on the weather and painted a scene on their choice. As we gave them the paint we realized they had never painted before. As one would expect total Chaos it was actually the complete opposite. The class was quiet and they slowly chose which colors they wanted and carefully washed each color off when they wanted a new color. It was amazing to watch and witness them do something completely new. The painting was a success.
Even the teacher got involved =)
As time went on I tried to understand the aspects from a Cambodian point of view. Maybe it was the buildings that were more important at the time to show that they owned something. Maybe things were that way because they genuinely thought it was best for the kids at the time. When you give people money that have never had before it tends to change people and their view of things. Although I will probably never understand what view that is, the overall value and reasoning for the place are the children themselves; and they along with the classroom aspect should come first.
The garden is great for self-sufficiency . The fruit trees will help as well. But those things won’t appear over night. Things in Cambodia are still developing as a country itself let alone trying to build up a huge orphanage. From my point of view the investment is in the kids. If you invest in them and help them learn you are automatically improving their quality of life.
The kids are fed three meals a day they have somewhere to sleep. Their circumstances are better than some. It helps with volunteers being there to give love and affection. The kids love to be around the volunteers and try whatever they are trying. (Sometimes they will ask to play on your computer or phone… okay all the time haha) In time hopefully the dorm will be built and they will have their own bed and a room to share. I look forward to seeing the progress and changes in the future.
What do you do when you get some chicken feet soup??
Like I said before I am very glad that I had the opportunity to volunteer at this orphanage. The people in Cambodia have faced a lot of hardship but they are kind and always smiling. I hope to come back in the future at some point to visit the orphanage.
I found this graffiti in a bathroom stall. Just a daily reminder of how much privileged we are.
As I prepare to leave Cambodia I feel very emotional. I once didn’t have much and I can remember sometimes we didn’t have electric or internet or another bill was shut off. My grandma would always say “I’m robbing peter to pay Paul” It wasn’t until I was older that I knew what that really meant. She did everything she could to manage but sometimes it just wasn’t enough money. Even though the bills would pile up and some of the necessities would be shut off we always had games, t.v., coloring books, and movies. I think those tangible things made up for not having other things. It fills a void that one has. It’s something that isn’t taken away at the time, and for that time even if it’s for a little while you feel happy. So I feel sad that they don’t have their “own” things. I feel bad that they always see new people and have to say goodbye. Goodbyes are hard for a young child who doesn’t understand.
For these kids they don’t have much to play with they enjoy the company of each other and make kite figures out of sticks and left over material from the clothing that is sewn.
I want to see those kids have a bright future. I want them to be able to go out of the orphanage to experience things. I want them to have a lot of things that they have never had before. It saddens me that some may never have those “things” that make childhood so memorable. So in efforts to help a little I would like to send books to them, because they have no picture books or starter books. As children we all like things we can see and touch. Books in general are a great way to learn and see new things. After all if we can’t go places at least we can pretend through books and reading. It gives hope. If your ever in Cambodia and get the chance; stop out and volunteer and teach with the kids. They will appreciate any amount of time you give them.
If you have any questions about donating things to the kids please contact the following Sean Samnang or visit the website
sillylillyblog 