Tag Archives: memories

Sully’s Birthday

My Babies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

I just look at sweet Sully and my heart burst with love no matter what mood I’m in. I’m so thankful to have him. Sully turned the big One June 23rd and he has taken off with his walking skills!

Sully first birthday
Sully’s 2nd birthday

Hard to believe we just celebrated Sully’s 2nd birthday. I found this post in my drafts and just started reflecting on the past couple years.

Sully had a great day celebrating with Bluey!

Sully loves anything outdoors, riding the buggy, mower, golf, baseball, cooking, Bluey, and his dog Steele which happens to be a Blue Heeler haha . He is all or nothing and so bright and helpful. I love him with all my heart.

Sully is 3!

He loves all things construction themed. This year he had his party at the gym and it was construction themed. It was a last minute decision to hold it in the gym due to the rain, but it all worked out great! Sully’s vocab is really blossoming and I really enjoy talking with him.

Sully very excited to open his new backhoe!
Steele happy in the background
This year he asked for a corn pit ! Sully loves to help his dad feed the deer and play in corn!

Corn pits have become more popular in the last couple years at fall festivals.

Feelings

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Snow Days

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…

We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.

Sully and Niko -18 months and 4 months.

This was their first view of the snow.

I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!

Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!

They are starting to look more and more alike!

We are going to need a bigger buggy !
Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!

The day was very relaxing and much needed!

Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.

This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete.
Taste testing …
Not a fan !
We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂
Then he Stuck his foot in it!

This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.

Niko loved his first snow day!

I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.

Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.

In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞

Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .

So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.

Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.

Mother’s Day

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Nan 

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , ,

I was going through my old drafts on here and found this one. I’m going to leave the beginning be, because those were the original thoughts that went through my head. I’m sad to say my Nan passed away last year March 2nd the day after my birthday.

I went to see my great grandma Thelma at Christmas when I was home from South Korea. She was in really good humor and was very happy to have some company . My gram (her daughter) had passed away and she was feeling down . This was her only daughter of course, and the woman who raised me my whole life . During this visit she repeatedly said “my baby is gone, my baby is gone.” 

Growing up she would always come and stay with us in the Summers. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland when I was younger.So each time she would come we had to go pick her up. She was very contrary then … you can imagine what she is like now. She means well though . If I were 97 I’d probably be a little contrary too. I love going to see her though .

Each time you better have a coke in one hand and party mix in the other . Besides that she will have her shirt stuffed with snacks as you see in the picture below . 

I just noticed she is wearing the same shirt both times . 😊


This past time I went to see her with my sister Mikki.We took her some snacks and a coke like always . She was still laying in bed and asking where her wallet was.

We went to ask the nurse and they had it out in her wheelchair ready to give her a bath. She gave it to us to take back to the room. Nan said “open it and see if my money is in there.” She never had much, but she had a couple dollars and some change .

I started looking in the wallet and she had all kinds of old pictures of me and my siblings . It was actually pretty funny to look back at all of them.

She proceeded to call me an “old bag” and tell the jokes she has been telling for years . 

“Have you been eating oranges?” …. no 

“You have skin all over your face!” 

She has been in the nursing home for a long time. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind . I can only hope I have a sense of humor when I’m in my 90’s if I make it that long!! 

I found this picture on her bed side table and it’s the only one I’ve seen with her my gram and my grams three kids together .

My mom is the one in the red , my uncle Joey in the middle ,and my Aunt Cheryl on the right. The only one living is my Aunt Cheryl. It’s sad to think about losing family.

It’s worse to come to the realization that I just turned 30 March 1, 2020, and all these people are dead except my Aunt Cheryl. In January my grandpa passed as well.

It’s funny how time goes on people change. Your perspective changes. Your life changes. You grow apart from people, because you you don’t agree with them. When it’s all said and done a death is a death no matter how you look at it or what view point you are coming from it’s sad. You lose another piece of your heart.

I’d like to think my heart hasn’t became hardened, I fret getting a phone call . Each time I do it’s that another family member has died. As sad as that is I’m not sure how much death one person is capable of facing without gaining some sort of numbness towards death.

I was listening to an audio book the other day and one line said . “Death makes us a deeper person and with out loss we would be dense.” I guess that’s a good way to put it.

Through all the hardship I try to remember the good memories to get me through the bad days.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog! Check out some of the other ones if you have the time !

 

Views From Above

Photography, , , , , , , , , ,

I took most of these while being a flight attendant. I really miss it some days. The one overlooking the ocean was my first helicopter ride over Myrtle Beach.

Recently I’ve been kind of bummed because we have had to cancel our spring break plans along with other travel plans due to the corona virus outbreak. I was just reminiscing through some pictures that made me smile. Maybe this will bring some light to your day as well. Stay safe out there! As always thanks for stopping by to check out my post !

P’ Toy

People/Places/Visits, , , , , , , ,

DSC_0154DSC_0155

She walked up beside me while I was talking to a student and said “hello” I quickly replied “Hello, how are you?” Her response like so many other people when asked was “I’m fine, thank you and you?” I said I was doing well.

I finished my conversation with my student and went over and sat down beside her. I asked her if she spoke English and she said “Verrrrrry little bit!” We got to talking and she told me her  nick name was p Toy. I asked her if she had been to see the students art display she said “No I have to finish work.”

She does three different jobs at the school including washing the dishes after breakfast ,lunch, and dinner, cleaning the toilets, and working with the students to help them set up for different events.

She began to open up and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her. She always wanted to speak English, but was scared. It turns out she speaks pretty well and it was easy to understand!

P’Toy had previously been married and lived in Australia and her Ex husband treated her more like a maid than a wife constantly screaming to make him something to eat or demanding work to be done. She was criticized for not knowing much English, but who would want to learn it when your being screamed at all the time?

She divorced and moved back to Thailand. She started working two jobs for real estate and for a cleaning service in a hotel. The money was good, but she was working long hours and didn’t feel happy.

I asked her if she liked her job now and she said ” Yes, I get paid little now but my heart is happy.”

It was so nice to sit and talk as she washed dishes and I think she like it because it made the time go a little faster. When I left Thailand she gave me a scarf she had knitted and a hand made wristlet.

 

Mother’s

Life Lessons, , , ,

I Wonder

Sometimes I think about you Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be

because I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes looking back at me They’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all

I think about how it ain’t fair That you weren’t there to braid my hair Like mothers do You weren’t around to cheer me on help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do

Did you think I didn’t need you here to hold my hand to dry my tears Did you even miss me through the years at all

Forgiveness is such a simple word But it’s so hard to do when you’ve been hurt

These Lyrics are lyrics from Kelly Picklers song I Wonder.

I heard this song a long time ago and it has always reminded me of my biological mom. She has always been in and out of my life but words can’t describe how much stronger it has made me as a person. Yeah, when I was younger I couldn’t understand how someone could just leave their children; and show up when everything felt convenient.

This was one of the first lesson’s I would learn in life. What is was like to feel loss.

Here recently I lost my grandmother Lillian. The feeling of loss never changes. It’s like this dark pit in your heart that may never find its way to be filled. You just have to cherish the memories and look at the good times you had together.

People come in and out of your life all the time. It’s the one’s who make impressions on your heart that last forever.

Mom and ME Me and my grandma

photo 2-3 me as a baby

I think of my grandma ( Mom)  Lillian and I picture a strong selfless woman who gave  her all to make anyone happy. She chose to give up so much of her own life to raise all seven of her grandchildren. But if you were to ask her she would say she didn’t give up anything. She would have said she gave everything. She gave her whole heart to raise us the best she could. While growing up she never tried to change any of our personalities, but rather let us form into who we wanted to be. She was never the kind to yell very often and always had such a tender touch. She didn’t cherish name brand things or anything materialistic. Her most valued possessions were pictures that were hand drawn and collages that were made to hang on the wall. She made me value staying true to yourself,  being stubborn to get what you want, and to appreciate the little things in life. She had so much love to give and always welcomed anyone.

photo 2-4 Brother Lawrence and Quinn

1469753_722544511153332_6133356015569806056_n Brother Nando and Logan

28162_10151844507923084_1375105081_n Brother Ramon

Strength 

My family struggled for money and still do, but she always did her best to get us what we needed. As a child you don’t realize all the struggles your parents go through to provide what you need. For the longest time I can say that I didn’t know we struggled. You’re so naive as a child. I knew myself as a helper.a friend, and an open ear whenever my mom wanted to talk. I can remember her getting breast cancer. She was so weak. This was the first time any of us saw her sick, but she stayed strong through it all. The hardest part was losing her hair, and even with that happening she was sad, but took it as it came.  I helped her, fed her, slept by her. She fought and she over came cancer. This was the first time of many test of strength that I would see her face over the years.

Rich In Ways I Didn’t Realize

As I stated before I didn’t realize we struggled for the longest time. My grandma didn’t work and we got a monthly check. It was never looked down upon like it is in most cases if anything she did the best she could with what she had. A lot of the times she would refer to the saying “I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul.” Anyone who has ever been in that situation knows it’s not a good feeling, but she somehow made everything seem okay even if it wasn’t. She was a woman of strength and when asked how she was doing she would say “I’m good” even if she wasn’t.  I remember one day I was hungry for something we didn’t have and I said “Man I wish we weren’t poor.” Her only reply was “Oh Lillian  you don’t know what poor is.” You have food just not what you want, clothes, and a roof over your head.” “That’s not what you call poor.” As time went on I would learn that she was right. I don’t know what poor is like and life could have been way worse than what it was. I was richer in more ways than I realized. I think of all the things that we have been through, but I wouldn’t ever put my grandma down on anything she did. Times were hard, but because I learned the way I did I have gained so much respect for my grandma and enough resilience to last a life time.

While I was in Korea the last letter I got from my grandma was a letter saying she was so proud of me , but she was sorry she couldn’t give me a better life. I never doubted the amount of effort she put into raising me. She had nothing to be sorry for.

I have experienced more at 25 years old than most people have their whole life. If there is one thing I would say it would be that I am grateful. I am grateful for the start I had, because without my grandma raising me it’s hard telling what would or could have happened. She tried with all her heart to steer me away from the wrong things in life. She did just that by sacrificing all that she had to give it to us. Without going through hell and experiencing loss I wouldn’t know what joy felt like.

JOY So define joy. Joy to me is having someone in my life to look after and protect me. Joy is being able to appreciate all the little things, because after all we never had the big things. To me that’s more than words could ever describe. Joy is sharing your hardships and success with others in hopes to make a positive impact on their lives. Joy is not being selfish and sharing your heart. Joy is what my mom was full of raising us with.

photo 1  nephew Logan

photo 1-2 niece Quinn

MEMORIES 

I’m going to miss being able to call her up at any point because she was a night owl after all. Even after all of the kids were in bed she didn’t rest. She would clean, sweep, watch some t.v., drink a cup of tea with milk and sugar and sit up late. She would share stories and ask me about my future . At one point I told her I wanted to be an artist, because I loved to paint and draw. Her reply was honest as always. ” You don’t want to be an artist they don’t make money until they are dead.” I laughed and said “Yeah. maybe not I’ll just draw pictures for you then. I was already a star in her eyes.

Unconditional Love

If anything she showed me what unconditional love meant. Her love was never-ending no matter what you did. Her heart was huge and even when she was disappointed she never let anyone know it. She fought hard to keep our family together and even if we weren’t all together physically we always were in her heart.

As most of you know I lost my mom recently. So if you have made it this far in reading this all of this you are reading what I read at her funeral. The exact words. My grandma may not have been my biological mother but it doesn’t matter. She was the only mother I have ever known. So like I said before. regardless of who takes care of you or helps you if they made a lasting impression on your heart that is all that matters.

photo 3 Me and Mom

PROUD

I have never been prouder to say I’ve had such a great influence in my life. As this time is difficult right now and I feel like my heart is in a million different pieces . I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain. She raised me to have a heart of a lion , and I will continue to use it to make a positive impact on people’s lives. She was so proud of everything we did. I will work hard to carry on with life. She has shaped me in to a strong, independent, resilient woman who refuses to settle for less than great. I don’t think I could have asked for more.

123

While talking to her she refused to hang up the phone because she didn’t want to hang up on me first, and I refused to hang up on her. It’s like we were always a distance away from each other, but didn’t want time to end. So she came up with this idea to always count to three together before hanging up the phone.You see time never ended because she will always be in my heart .  We lost a mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and best friend.Now that is the woman who made me who I am today and I am proud to call her my MOM. 123.

photo 2 Mom and Felix

photo 3-2 me , my sister Yvette, and cousin Tiffany photo 4 Mom, Quinn, and I

photo 4-2 Mom, Quinn, and I / Mikki and I

ADVICE So if you are reading this my advice to you would be cherish your loved ones. Be grateful you have parents who love you. Teat them with respect as well as anyone else, and always let others have the chance to affect you in all the right ways. Much Love. Lilly