Tag Archives: mom

Seasons

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I cannot figure out what is wrong but I’m missing something that belongs. They say people come and people go, but some relationships are bestowed.

For what do I owe to get those back as I’m always looking for the facts. You tell people how you think and some are gone within a blink. I guess some are fake and some are foes, but sometimes you never know. Why shall people come and go just like seasons I’ll never know. I have a problem with accepting loss although I know these needs sometimes seem cross. What do I need to do to stop the feelings of blue?

Like the seasons come and go some run like they never showed. How can these feelings of abandonment take over like a rip current out of nowhere. Feelings thrashing out of the blue over little reasons of missing you.

Like the seasons are ever changing so are my thoughts and I’m constantly dazing. Wondering how some let go so easily, like we’ve skipped fall and the leaves are oh so free. It’s so easy to put up a wall because you’re always afraid to fall. Crashing down so fast and free I miss the old carefree me.

Gardening

My Babies, , , ,

Sully and Niko love being outside so we have been looking for new activities. Here recently we have been looking at flowers outside and talking about new things blooming. So we made some seed boxes out of recycled egg cartons and strawberry boxes. They also planted onions in the back yard to watch grow.

Planting , tomatoes, peppers, and Basil
They loved that they each had their own water bottle!

I love doing these activities with them because it teaches them a new skill, helps with their motor skills, helps with their independence, and teaches them how things grow. I love these boys!!!

Peep we have buds!!!!
April 22nd we transplanted babies.
It was also Earth Day!

The boys are obsessed with anything with an engine!

Sully is always on the move hard to catch him for a photo!

Feelings

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Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Mother’s Day

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Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Mother’s

Life Lessons, , , ,

I Wonder

Sometimes I think about you Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be

because I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes looking back at me They’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all

I think about how it ain’t fair That you weren’t there to braid my hair Like mothers do You weren’t around to cheer me on help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do

Did you think I didn’t need you here to hold my hand to dry my tears Did you even miss me through the years at all

Forgiveness is such a simple word But it’s so hard to do when you’ve been hurt

These Lyrics are lyrics from Kelly Picklers song I Wonder.

I heard this song a long time ago and it has always reminded me of my biological mom. She has always been in and out of my life but words can’t describe how much stronger it has made me as a person. Yeah, when I was younger I couldn’t understand how someone could just leave their children; and show up when everything felt convenient.

This was one of the first lesson’s I would learn in life. What is was like to feel loss.

Here recently I lost my grandmother Lillian. The feeling of loss never changes. It’s like this dark pit in your heart that may never find its way to be filled. You just have to cherish the memories and look at the good times you had together.

People come in and out of your life all the time. It’s the one’s who make impressions on your heart that last forever.

Mom and ME Me and my grandma

photo 2-3 me as a baby

I think of my grandma ( Mom)  Lillian and I picture a strong selfless woman who gave  her all to make anyone happy. She chose to give up so much of her own life to raise all seven of her grandchildren. But if you were to ask her she would say she didn’t give up anything. She would have said she gave everything. She gave her whole heart to raise us the best she could. While growing up she never tried to change any of our personalities, but rather let us form into who we wanted to be. She was never the kind to yell very often and always had such a tender touch. She didn’t cherish name brand things or anything materialistic. Her most valued possessions were pictures that were hand drawn and collages that were made to hang on the wall. She made me value staying true to yourself,  being stubborn to get what you want, and to appreciate the little things in life. She had so much love to give and always welcomed anyone.

photo 2-4 Brother Lawrence and Quinn

1469753_722544511153332_6133356015569806056_n Brother Nando and Logan

28162_10151844507923084_1375105081_n Brother Ramon

Strength 

My family struggled for money and still do, but she always did her best to get us what we needed. As a child you don’t realize all the struggles your parents go through to provide what you need. For the longest time I can say that I didn’t know we struggled. You’re so naive as a child. I knew myself as a helper.a friend, and an open ear whenever my mom wanted to talk. I can remember her getting breast cancer. She was so weak. This was the first time any of us saw her sick, but she stayed strong through it all. The hardest part was losing her hair, and even with that happening she was sad, but took it as it came.  I helped her, fed her, slept by her. She fought and she over came cancer. This was the first time of many test of strength that I would see her face over the years.

Rich In Ways I Didn’t Realize

As I stated before I didn’t realize we struggled for the longest time. My grandma didn’t work and we got a monthly check. It was never looked down upon like it is in most cases if anything she did the best she could with what she had. A lot of the times she would refer to the saying “I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul.” Anyone who has ever been in that situation knows it’s not a good feeling, but she somehow made everything seem okay even if it wasn’t. She was a woman of strength and when asked how she was doing she would say “I’m good” even if she wasn’t.  I remember one day I was hungry for something we didn’t have and I said “Man I wish we weren’t poor.” Her only reply was “Oh Lillian  you don’t know what poor is.” You have food just not what you want, clothes, and a roof over your head.” “That’s not what you call poor.” As time went on I would learn that she was right. I don’t know what poor is like and life could have been way worse than what it was. I was richer in more ways than I realized. I think of all the things that we have been through, but I wouldn’t ever put my grandma down on anything she did. Times were hard, but because I learned the way I did I have gained so much respect for my grandma and enough resilience to last a life time.

While I was in Korea the last letter I got from my grandma was a letter saying she was so proud of me , but she was sorry she couldn’t give me a better life. I never doubted the amount of effort she put into raising me. She had nothing to be sorry for.

I have experienced more at 25 years old than most people have their whole life. If there is one thing I would say it would be that I am grateful. I am grateful for the start I had, because without my grandma raising me it’s hard telling what would or could have happened. She tried with all her heart to steer me away from the wrong things in life. She did just that by sacrificing all that she had to give it to us. Without going through hell and experiencing loss I wouldn’t know what joy felt like.

JOY So define joy. Joy to me is having someone in my life to look after and protect me. Joy is being able to appreciate all the little things, because after all we never had the big things. To me that’s more than words could ever describe. Joy is sharing your hardships and success with others in hopes to make a positive impact on their lives. Joy is not being selfish and sharing your heart. Joy is what my mom was full of raising us with.

photo 1  nephew Logan

photo 1-2 niece Quinn

MEMORIES 

I’m going to miss being able to call her up at any point because she was a night owl after all. Even after all of the kids were in bed she didn’t rest. She would clean, sweep, watch some t.v., drink a cup of tea with milk and sugar and sit up late. She would share stories and ask me about my future . At one point I told her I wanted to be an artist, because I loved to paint and draw. Her reply was honest as always. ” You don’t want to be an artist they don’t make money until they are dead.” I laughed and said “Yeah. maybe not I’ll just draw pictures for you then. I was already a star in her eyes.

Unconditional Love

If anything she showed me what unconditional love meant. Her love was never-ending no matter what you did. Her heart was huge and even when she was disappointed she never let anyone know it. She fought hard to keep our family together and even if we weren’t all together physically we always were in her heart.

As most of you know I lost my mom recently. So if you have made it this far in reading this all of this you are reading what I read at her funeral. The exact words. My grandma may not have been my biological mother but it doesn’t matter. She was the only mother I have ever known. So like I said before. regardless of who takes care of you or helps you if they made a lasting impression on your heart that is all that matters.

photo 3 Me and Mom

PROUD

I have never been prouder to say I’ve had such a great influence in my life. As this time is difficult right now and I feel like my heart is in a million different pieces . I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain. She raised me to have a heart of a lion , and I will continue to use it to make a positive impact on people’s lives. She was so proud of everything we did. I will work hard to carry on with life. She has shaped me in to a strong, independent, resilient woman who refuses to settle for less than great. I don’t think I could have asked for more.

123

While talking to her she refused to hang up the phone because she didn’t want to hang up on me first, and I refused to hang up on her. It’s like we were always a distance away from each other, but didn’t want time to end. So she came up with this idea to always count to three together before hanging up the phone.You see time never ended because she will always be in my heart .  We lost a mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and best friend.Now that is the woman who made me who I am today and I am proud to call her my MOM. 123.

photo 2 Mom and Felix

photo 3-2 me , my sister Yvette, and cousin Tiffany photo 4 Mom, Quinn, and I

photo 4-2 Mom, Quinn, and I / Mikki and I

ADVICE So if you are reading this my advice to you would be cherish your loved ones. Be grateful you have parents who love you. Teat them with respect as well as anyone else, and always let others have the chance to affect you in all the right ways. Much Love. Lilly