Tag Archives: Mother’s Day

Feelings

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Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Mother’s Day

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Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly