Tag Archives: people

Seasons

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I cannot figure out what is wrong but I’m missing something that belongs. They say people come and people go, but some relationships are bestowed.

For what do I owe to get those back as I’m always looking for the facts. You tell people how you think and some are gone within a blink. I guess some are fake and some are foes, but sometimes you never know. Why shall people come and go just like seasons I’ll never know. I have a problem with accepting loss although I know these needs sometimes seem cross. What do I need to do to stop the feelings of blue?

Like the seasons come and go some run like they never showed. How can these feelings of abandonment take over like a rip current out of nowhere. Feelings thrashing out of the blue over little reasons of missing you.

Like the seasons are ever changing so are my thoughts and I’m constantly dazing. Wondering how some let go so easily, like we’ve skipped fall and the leaves are oh so free. It’s so easy to put up a wall because you’re always afraid to fall. Crashing down so fast and free I miss the old carefree me.

Shitty Luck

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These last two going on three months have been the worst here lately. I’m sure you can feel my frustration through the following vent session.

November 8th I went to work and I was reviewing CPR skills with my sophomore health classes. I bent down to put the dummy back in the bag and felt my chest collapse. It was a suffocation feeling that’s only been familiar with past panic attacks, only it did not go away after sitting down for a while. I went to my school nurse as fast as possible. She called my husband to get me to the emergency room. After evaluation in the emergency room they revealed that my lung had collapsed and they were transporting me by ambulance to the next closest hospital for monitoring.

I missed two weeks of work and could barely move. I slept in a recliner because I felt like I was suffocating laying down.

My husband took the brunt of the work with our one and two year old.

A month later my 20% lung collapse resolved itself thankfully, I met with a pulmonologist and he said there’s a 15% chance of it happening again. It was a spontaneous collapse and they don’t know why it happened but it was rare.

If this can happen randomly to someone that’s never smoked I fear for those who choose to put harmful substances in their bodies.

Dec 11th I had a planned surgery for my foot.

Last summer my toes started going numb in my shoes. I thought it was the shoes, but regardless of the shoes I tried it still persisted. I went to a podiatrist and found out I had a plantar tear. It had been caused from a bad bunion on my big toe which caused the weight of my foot to shift to the middle toes causing the plantar plate to rip.

So I go in for surgery the 11th get prepped. The whole prepping process felt rushed, but I realize everyone is on a time schedule. It was an outpatient surgery.

The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I wanted a nerve block said it would reduce pain for the first 3 days. I went ahead with it thinking it would help with me going home to my 1 and 2 year old sons. As he administers the nerve block he says “I don’t even get paid any extra for administering these.” He came across as nice, but arrogant. before going back I had asked if I was going to have a cast on. The Dr. said he wasn’t sure. I told him I wore leggings not thinking. He said that’s okay, if anything you can wear home surgical pants.

I wake up and I can feel everything. It was immense pain and In a cast up to my knee!!! I hear a nurse saying “this is ridiculous it’s 4:30 and she is just sleeping over there.” I’m sure they were ready to go after all this was an outpatient surgery but who says that as a nurse caring for a patient.

The nerve block did not work or it wore off… I told the nurse I was in such pain and she called him back to do another nerve block. He comes back and says “ I’m very good at my job, but something isn’t right.” (DUH) he proceeds to do another one.

I had not eaten since 7 the night before and I always get so sick after having anesthesia. The nurse gave me a ginger ale and 2 crackers and told me to try and eat them as they give me another hydrocodone. It made me dry heave.

I get up to make it off the bed and get dressed the previous nurse that was complaining jerks my sock on and rushed to get me dressed. When I told them I needed pants they said “we don’t have pants here, you’ll have to go home in your gown and underwear.

So that is what they did put my underwear on, my hoodie, and threw my gown on over it . It was 17 degrees and snowing !! No offer to use the bathroom – my surgery was at 11.

They got me off the bed and the incision started bleeding from my toes. They asked me if I started my period on the floor. I said no. They proceeded to stuff gauze between my toes and told me to remove it when I got home. Due to this I had to go back to the local hospital 3 days later and get it all cleaned out.

The nurse that wheeled me out just seemed cold. She didn’t offer to help me get in the car told me to prop my foot up and when I told I couldn’t she shoved my hospital bag under my foot.

This has been a way longer recovery than I ever anticipated and very difficult to navigate life with one leg and two toddlers with my husband doing to brunt of the work. This is a true test to “In sickness and in health” during these times.

Dec 26th I got my cast off and put in a walking boot. The bottom of my foot was not healed but they removed the stitches and put steri strips on it.

The nurse told me to wait three days and take the strips off then I could shower. So did that . I got out of the shower and my foot ripped back open. 😭

I just feel so over it at this point and defeated. What pisses me off is when people know you’re struggling and do nothing. I have very limited help so the porch drop offs, the help with the kids, the house, the laundry or anything else is greatly appreciated by all those whom helped through this very long process of healing.

It seems like things just keep happening to me here lately and I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to stop and breathe, maybe I need to reflect. I’m not sure. I’m trying not to succumb to all the negative things that have happened to me but it is very difficult.

Feelings

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Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Snow Days

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Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…

We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.

Sully and Niko -18 months and 4 months.

This was their first view of the snow.

I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!

Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!

They are starting to look more and more alike!

We are going to need a bigger buggy !
Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!

The day was very relaxing and much needed!

Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.

This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete.
Taste testing …
Not a fan !
We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂
Then he Stuck his foot in it!

This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.

Niko loved his first snow day!

I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.

Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.

In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞

Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .

So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.

Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.

Ashville, NC

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My husband and I went on a short get away to reset for a little while. We were supposed to go to Vegas this year, but COVID had other ideas. Instead we went and did some hiking in Ashville and walked around downtown. If you ever get the chance to go there for a few days  I would highly recommend it. We loved the area!

Below are some of the pictures I took while we were there. We went to the following places.
*Biltmore Estates

*Biltmore Winery – They do complimentary wine tastings.

*Catawba Falls , Looking Glass Falls, Sliding Rocks.

* Hi- Wire Brewery, Green Man Brewery, and all the local ones downtown.

*Flat Creek Boys played some local music

This was the perfect get away for a few days and the vibes of Ashville were very relaxing. I would love to go back !

 

 

Generational Curses

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While scrolling through Pinterest, I randomly came across this quote. Honestly I couldn’t agree more with it. Being the first to graduate high school in my family, the first to go to college, the first to travel abroad. It’s not only education that makes an impact on your life. In fact it’s everything around it as well. The little things that people don’t think about. For instance driving, getting a car, and going out to eat. When I first started going out to eat the only thing I could order were chicken tenders. As much as I love chicken tenders this order was out of fear. Fear of not knowing if I’d like something else(food envy is real). Fear of ordering something and regretting it. It was fear of pricing, and just not knowing any different. Overall the inability to order in general.
Since traveling my taste buds have expanded tremendously. I also love to cook different foods( I usually photograph these in my food porn section.)

This quote resonates with me for more reasons than one. The access to transportation is a huge one. I can remember my grandma paying people to take her places. When our vehicles were broke down it was a never ending cycle of trying to get someone to take us to the grocery store, or to the doctors. When I finally got a vehicle in college I drained my savings account (all 1,500) to buy a Dodge Ram 1500 I found in the newspaper. Until I found a vehicle I paid my  college roommate gas money to take me to the orthodontist, to go to the store, and to drop me off where her mother worked to carpool to get a ride back home. Are these things a freshman in college should have to worry about? No, but I did. Generational curses  are real, and generational poverty is one of them. My family had endured it for decades. While I worked multiple jobs my whole life to try and keep my head above water(until now). I do feel like I myself have broke one chain of the generational curses, but the endured trauma will probably always be with me. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do or why you act the way you act? I do. The more I’ve read into articles on trauma, and the brain the more I realize many of the things I do have resulted directly from some form of trauma. Granted I have had a lot of counseling! The best thing a counselor has ever said to be is “Do you not think you’re worthy? Worthy of someone helping you? Worthy of someone loving you? Worthy of allowing someone else in? From that moment on something clicked differently. I told myself I would let people help me, I would say yes instead of no. I would handle things differently. I would let the word love be welcomed freely. Even though some of my family have told me directly “you think you’re better than us.” Or “You think your way is always right.” Maybe I am? Not so much in the sense of worth, but in the mindset. The mindset of not letting anything hold me back, for wanting more than I’ve ever had for myself , and my siblings. I am better for making myself better. I’m better for taking opportunities for multiple jobs. I’m better for working till 1 am and getting up for class at 7 am. I’m better for sacrificing the average college experience to earn money to be able to get further in life. I missed out on all the spring breaks, and short holidays. It’s okay though, because I’ve came out better. Better for myself and others. Who cares if people talk shit. Let them. YOU ARE DOING GREAT THINGS. YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU WERE. AFTER ALL A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE JUST TALK.

Thanks for coming by to read my blog! Keep doing great things ! -Lilly

Mother’s Day

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Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Social Distancing Easter

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Today I went to my in laws house to have lunch with them for Easter. Before that the church had a drive up service. It was different, but a great turn out.

At first I was very skeptical due to the stay at home order. We looked at the weather and luckily it was nice enough to be able to eat outside . Honestly it was just nice to have human interaction even if we couldn’t hug or play games or anything in the back yard.

It was nice to eat a meal, chat together , and spend time together in each other’s company for Easter.

We made our plates one family at a time, and each family sat at different places spread out in the back yard.

I like to be around people ( most of the time) so this has been a struggle staying home. We need to do this to get to a better , safer, healthier way of living.

I have been trying to keep busy . I am a teacher so I’ve had to adjust lesson plans, incorporate and learn new technology , and keep in touch with all my classes.

Besides school I’ve been doing a lot of the following. Maybe you can get some ideas if you need to fill your time.

  • Planting a garden
  • Learned to play chess
  • Cooking different foods
  • Walking daily with my dog
  • Writing my pen pal ( penpal.com if you want a pen pal)
  • Playing pool
  • Playing darts
  • Playing horseshoes
  • Playing Jenga
  • Doing puzzles
  • Working on my blog
  • Learning Tik Tok dances
  • Reading
  • Fishing
  • Kayaking

These are some of the things I’ve been doing. Hopefully you have been able to keep busy with all your time off!

Thanks for stopping by to read my blog! Check out my other tabs if you have the time. 🙂

Circles

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I’m writing this blog because my mind keeps running in circles. I wonder why it never shuts down. and I feel like I’m constantly trying to think of different ways to live.

By different ways of living I think of jobs. I wonder why I always feel like I’m meant to be doing something else. Is it because I haven’t found that special thing … Or is it the lightbulb hasn’t went off on where I’m at, at this point in my life.

I think of people and it makes me sad when people don’t make effort towards you. Do they outgrow you or do you outgrow them ?

I think of my family and how I wish there were more of us that were closer.

My mind constantly going in circles…

I’m thinking of my wedding reception that’s next weekend . I’m second guessing the catering .. should I have just had a taco bar ?!?? After all I love tacos !🌮 Then again that would have been just one more thing to do the day of….

I think of the wealthy…I work with people who are very well off … And wonder why some of them can’t see how they treat the people around them. I wonder how others are so down to earth. Tonight I had one enteract with me and actually asked in a genuine tone “So how are you doing today?” One of my biggest pet peeves is someone asking how you are doing and not even waiting for a reply… Why bother ? I also can’t stand when you ask someone how they are and they never reply they just seem like they are nibby about your business. Is that normal?!

My mind is running in circles and I should probably go for a walk, but I’m already in bed….

Thanks for reading I should probably get some rest.

Take a Trip

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The last four days have been nothing but amazing . I was able to use my flight benefits to put Ryan and myself on a plane to Punta Cana. We stayed at an Airbnb hotel for 45 dollars a night. I was skeptical to see if it was as legit as the pictures showed but when we arrived we were picked up by a driver named Roman and he was holding my name up on a piece of paper. My Airbnb host had already set up the pick up and everything . The room was perfect for what we needed and only about a 3-4 minute walk away from the beach.

Our room was cinema based so it had pictures of movies all around . The room was legit .. I know some people are skeptical about using Airbnb. My experiences have been great so far ! This whole building felt homey. We were even able to meet the owner of the place named Daniel. He was very down to earth and easy to talk to. Each day we had breakfast included . The staff were very friendly and helped with whatever we needed.

We were trying to make this a cheaper trip and it hasn’t been bad so far . We ate out and made one meal our lunch the next day as well. The hotel provided breakfast for us so that saved money as well.

We did our own thing and walked around the first couple days . We did our first excursion on the third day. We went with a company to Saona Island. We rode a van to the boat then we got on the boat to head to the island . We even got to snorkle for the first time ! We didn’t know that was part of our trip so it was a nice surprise . The water was like looking through glass! You could see everything so clear. The fish were beautiful. I really need to get a water protection case for my go pro now!

Us on the way to the island

When we got to the island it was such a beautiful blue !

Ryan wanted to buy a cigar off someone selling them so he hagled him down to 2.00 for one .

This is the best picture of island life !

The tour even came with unlimited drinks and an all you can eat buffet ! It was 60 bucks per person and we were able to snorkel , ride a speed boat , drink, eat , and get a catamaran back to the van. Well worth it ! This was the only excursion we did this time. The other two days we walked around and went to the beach .

As Ryan would say .. this is me and my Instagram pose. 😂 I will admit he got several good shots of me though lol.

Eating out is probably one of my favorite things to do so I was looking forward to trying something new . This was from a place called Citrus. They had amazing cocktails . And there’s a reason they have a 4.5 star rating . Everything was excellent!! We even had these leftovers for lunch the next day.

Everyone needs a few days to get away! This was the perfect trip. Now it’s time to get back to my baby Steele! Until next time, thanks for reading !!

Steele is always happy to have us back home 🙂