I cannot figure out what is wrong but I’m missing something that belongs. They say people come and people go, but some relationships are bestowed.
For what do I owe to get those back as I’m always looking for the facts. You tell people how you think and some are gone within a blink. I guess some are fake and some are foes, but sometimes you never know. Why shall people come and go just like seasons I’ll never know. I have a problem with accepting loss although I know these needs sometimes seem cross. What do I need to do to stop the feelings of blue?
Like the seasons come and go some run like they never showed. How can these feelings of abandonment take over like a rip current out of nowhere. Feelings thrashing out of the blue over little reasons of missing you.
Like the seasons are ever changing so are my thoughts and I’m constantly dazing. Wondering how some let go so easily, like we’ve skipped fall and the leaves are oh so free. It’s so easy to put up a wall because you’re always afraid to fall. Crashing down so fast and free I miss the old carefree me.
These last two going on three months have been the worst here lately. I’m sure you can feel my frustration through the following vent session.
November 8th I went to work and I was reviewing CPR skills with my sophomore health classes. I bent down to put the dummy back in the bag and felt my chest collapse. It was a suffocation feeling that’s only been familiar with past panic attacks, only it did not go away after sitting down for a while. I went to my school nurse as fast as possible. She called my husband to get me to the emergency room. After evaluation in the emergency room they revealed that my lung had collapsed and they were transporting me by ambulance to the next closest hospital for monitoring.
I missed two weeks of work and could barely move. I slept in a recliner because I felt like I was suffocating laying down.
My husband took the brunt of the work with our one and two year old.
A month later my 20% lung collapse resolved itself thankfully, I met with a pulmonologist and he said there’s a 15% chance of it happening again. It was a spontaneous collapse and they don’t know why it happened but it was rare.
If this can happen randomly to someone that’s never smoked I fear for those who choose to put harmful substances in their bodies.
Dec 11th I had a planned surgery for my foot.
Last summer my toes started going numb in my shoes. I thought it was the shoes, but regardless of the shoes I tried it still persisted. I went to a podiatrist and found out I had a plantar tear. It had been caused from a bad bunion on my big toe which caused the weight of my foot to shift to the middle toes causing the plantar plate to rip.
So I go in for surgery the 11th get prepped. The whole prepping process felt rushed, but I realize everyone is on a time schedule. It was an outpatient surgery.
The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I wanted a nerve block said it would reduce pain for the first 3 days. I went ahead with it thinking it would help with me going home to my 1 and 2 year old sons. As he administers the nerve block he says “I don’t even get paid any extra for administering these.” He came across as nice, but arrogant. before going back I had asked if I was going to have a cast on. The Dr. said he wasn’t sure. I told him I wore leggings not thinking. He said that’s okay, if anything you can wear home surgical pants.
I wake up and I can feel everything. It was immense pain and In a cast up to my knee!!! I hear a nurse saying “this is ridiculous it’s 4:30 and she is just sleeping over there.” I’m sure they were ready to go after all this was an outpatient surgery but who says that as a nurse caring for a patient.
The nerve block did not work or it wore off… I told the nurse I was in such pain and she called him back to do another nerve block. He comes back and says “ I’m very good at my job, but something isn’t right.” (DUH) he proceeds to do another one.
I had not eaten since 7 the night before and I always get so sick after having anesthesia. The nurse gave me a ginger ale and 2 crackers and told me to try and eat them as they give me another hydrocodone. It made me dry heave.
I get up to make it off the bed and get dressed the previous nurse that was complaining jerks my sock on and rushed to get me dressed. When I told them I needed pants they said “we don’t have pants here, you’ll have to go home in your gown and underwear.
So that is what they did put my underwear on, my hoodie, and threw my gown on over it . It was 17 degrees and snowing !! No offer to use the bathroom – my surgery was at 11.
They got me off the bed and the incision started bleeding from my toes. They asked me if I started my period on the floor. I said no. They proceeded to stuff gauze between my toes and told me to remove it when I got home. Due to this I had to go back to the local hospital 3 days later and get it all cleaned out.
The nurse that wheeled me out just seemed cold. She didn’t offer to help me get in the car told me to prop my foot up and when I told I couldn’t she shoved my hospital bag under my foot.
This has been a way longer recovery than I ever anticipated and very difficult to navigate life with one leg and two toddlers with my husband doing to brunt of the work. This is a true test to “In sickness and in health” during these times.
Dec 26th I got my cast off and put in a walking boot. The bottom of my foot was not healed but they removed the stitches and put steri strips on it.
The nurse told me to wait three days and take the strips off then I could shower. So did that . I got out of the shower and my foot ripped back open. 😭
I just feel so over it at this point and defeated. What pisses me off is when people know you’re struggling and do nothing. I have very limited help so the porch drop offs, the help with the kids, the house, the laundry or anything else is greatly appreciated by all those whom helped through this very long process of healing.
It seems like things just keep happening to me here lately and I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to stop and breathe, maybe I need to reflect. I’m not sure. I’m trying not to succumb to all the negative things that have happened to me but it is very difficult.
Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…
We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.
Sully and Niko -18 months and 4 months.
This was their first view of the snow.
I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!
Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!
They are starting to look more and more alike!
We are going to need a bigger buggy ! Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!
The day was very relaxing and much needed!
Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.
This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete. Taste testing … Not a fan ! We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂Then he Stuck his foot in it!
This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.
Niko loved his first snow day!
I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.
Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.
In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞
Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .
So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.
Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.
Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.
It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.
Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.
I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.
Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.
There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.
Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.
It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.
It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.
What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.
I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.
I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.
Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly
I took most of these while being a flight attendant. I really miss it some days. The one overlooking the ocean was my first helicopter ride over Myrtle Beach.
Recently I’ve been kind of bummed because we have had to cancel our spring break plans along with other travel plans due to the corona virus outbreak. I was just reminiscing through some pictures that made me smile. Maybe this will bring some light to your day as well. Stay safe out there! As always thanks for stopping by to check out my post !
You can go on living your life and move on from fear
but the words that scarred will always be near.
We live in a society that always moves on.
People doubt what makes us tick
but little do they know the heart is drowning by a flick, flick, flick.
Damaged hearts will always be worn, some may even be scorn.
Some may say the damage makes you stronger
but what would they know, because the heart will always ponder.
Ponder the things that it’s faced, because they are things that are untraced.
You may be thinking this is all very somber.
Yes that is true, but does it not make you wonder?
Wonder how people carry burdens so freely?
How do they determine how life will be;
once they are free and no longer drowning in the sea?
Why do we pass each other so carelessly?
Maybe it’s because of uncertainty.
Regardless of how your heart may be
everyone hopes for sort of normality.
Actually there are a ton of people who are abnormal
some just try to act formal.
Internally it’s all a different game. Some may feel shame.
Some may look for others to blame.
The heart is simply amazing.
Like a rapid forest fire spreading
you run and you run to get away.
Some parts turn grey while other parts fray.
But no matter where you go those wounds will always stay.
Wounds heal and usually leave a scar.
The scar makes a story that can be shared with those who look from a-far.
Your story can make a difference and make others perspectives a little more a-jar.
The heart is truly amazing.
There is still a fire that’s blazing.
Blazing and burning for something more.
Keep your head held high, and ignore the carnivores that try to eat you alive.
The harsh words and actions that may come out;
are often a defense mechanism to survive.
These repressed feelings are something you can’t ignore.
Go on now, the crowd is screaming encore.
Below are some photos that make my heart beat a little more.
My friend Lyndel is a part of a Non Profit Organization called Football For The World Foundation. They hold camps all over the world to To improve the quality of life of children through the game of football. Football For The World Page
Lyndel was able to get over 40 pairs of football boots,jerseys, balls, and vest donated and sent to Korea so she could hold a camp. I was fortunate enough to be able to help with the camp this time.
During the camp we did drills and games with the students.
They had a great time and at the end all the supplies that were donated to use for the camp were gave to the students to keep. It was a great day.
This was a stand when we arrived in the Philippines. This lady makes skewers of chicken and pork to sell for less than a dollar. She was so kind and welcoming.
This was the view from our hostel. I was amazed that we were so close to the beach. It was beautiful.
These were some scallops we ordered. I had tried scallops before and never liked them that much. I’m proud I gave them another chance, because they were absolutely delicious.
This was right before the sun came up. There has been a storm the night before but I liked the shadow effect it left.
The day cleared up and we did an island tour. It was breathtaking.
My travel buddy Alana! Grateful we could share this experience together.
This fella gave both of us a ride with our bags.. I would imagine we weren’t the lightest of the bunch. He did this each day for his wages. It made me appreciate him even more.
This was a flower outside of a resort we went to visit. Just up the road was the gate to the exit and outside that exit was a lot of poverty. I would like to think that those who face such extreme conditions can still find beauty in the little things.
This is my little sister Mikki. She went fishing and sent me this picture of her first fish. It made my heart smile.
My heart beats with scars on it, but thankfully I can still see the beauty in all the madness.
Your heart beats the same as mine. Give someone a little bit of your time.
These young boys were sitting along the road with three bottles of eels that they had caught.
While in Vietnam I planned a trip to go trekking in Sapa. I had been hiking before, but this was like no other experience I have ever had in my life. It was simply breath-taking. My tour guide was Son. She was a small but cheerful woman filled with all kinds of knowledge. I was lucky to have her as my guide. While hiking, trekking up hillsides, and tip toeing through rice terraces we had a lot of meaningful conversations.
Son has a family with five children and husband. Her kids attend school and her husband goes to the hospital twice a week for his kidneys. She has been doing these hiking tours for the last five years. While doing these tours her wages have changed since she started but not by much. Son gets paid 7 dollars per trekking tour. These tours can rage from a day to 3 days, and I’m sure longer if planned ahead. When Son first started doing tours she didn’t get paid and she couldn’t speak any English. She learned to speak English from all the people she has met by doing the tours and practicing conversation. She still can not read or write.
Haha.. Can we make it across??
Why yes we can!
Son has never left Sapa. She has lived and stayed there her whole life. Can you imagine never leaving your home town? She said she loves her job no matter how much she gets paid. Each person that did this tour paid through a hotel or agency. The cost was anywhere between 50-75 per person. Son gets $7.00 per tour she does no matter what the group size is. These tours aren’t exactly what I would call a walk in the park. I am young and able to do this and it was difficult for me. We trekked 26 kilo or 16 miles in the matter of 2 days. Most of the time Son was way ahead of us and hopping and skipping over the hillsides. She was such a strong woman physically and mentally.
Son took good care of everyone in her group with an honest heart. She had no secret intentions to get us to buy things. She warned us not to buy things from the kids selling bags and bracelets along the way because they weren’t in school, and they should be. Instead they were out trying to make money for their family off of all the tourist that were passing through the mountains.
We stayed overnight at a homestay that consisted of a family style dinner with rice wine…a little too much. I really think the group I was with was something special. I have been traveling and working abroad since last September and I have never felt so accepted and welcomed by such a variety of people in my journey alone. Being the only American with a mild twang … well you know how that goes .. haha. We had people from Israel, Australia, Germany, Mexico, Norway, Belgium and France. Everyone was so open and we shared a lot of stories along with personal experiences. So thanks to everyone who made me feel so welcome and happy. Our homestay was cozy and we each had our own mattress on the floor.
Son bought us ice cream once we were close to our homestay. We were grateful.
Over lunch the next day a couple of boys asked me if I was staying longer and I said no I had to be back for my flight. Son quickly spoke up and said “If she was staying I would invite her to stay with me.!” She then proceeded to tell me that if I did a “real” local homestay things would be different. We wouldn’t have wi-fi. I would sleep downstairs and the family would sleep upstairs. Theres a bathroom and shower but they both were outside of the house. If you want warm water you must heat it over the open fire. If I ever go back to Sapa or if you ever to Sapa. I would recommend just getting the over night bus or train and then planning a local stay once you get there. The money will go directly to them and it will be a great experience with the locals. Her name is Sung Sapa on Facebook or get ahold of me and I can get in contact with her. I couldn’t recommend the trip any more. It was my favorite thing that I have done during my travels and I wish I could have stayed longer.
It was clear that Son has overcome a lot. I’m sure that there is more to her story that I haven’t heard. Regardless she has left a huge impact on me already.
I left Thailand to come volunteer and teach English in Cambodia. Only this time I am not teaching at a public or private school. I am teaching in an orphanage called Aspire Orphanage. It is ran by a man named Sean and his wife. The orphanage has been open since 2006, and they have made a lot of progress in the last ten years.
Coming to Cambodia on my own was exciting. I took the train from Thailand and it had some very nice views. It was my first train ride so that was a nice experience in itself as well.
I made my way across the border ….they only tried to scam me a couple of times.. Don’t pay extra at the border! They will try to get extra out of foreigners. I had read about this before going so I didn’t fall for it.
I was mentally prepared to sleep under a mosquito net or in a shack looking place, but actually the place exceeded all of my expectations. We have a padded mat on the ground with an air-conditioned room, a kitchen, washer, and wi-fi (sometimes) . At times we lost power for the day so we had to make due. As you can imagine it got pretty hot.
This is where the volunteers stay.
It was nice being in a room with other volunteers. You can to talk and meet new people from all over the world.
With donations from visitors and volunteers they now have a watering system for a garden, a new school for the children, beds for the children, and a new dorm in the process of being built. When complete it will have 8 rooms with two bunk bed sets in each. This will be room for all the children to have a bed and room of their own.
The start of a seedling.
This is where they catch their fish for dinner.
These are the boys beds.
This is the progress of the new dorm that is being built.
This is the stage where the kids perform their traditional dances for visitors when they come. On that same stage behind the sign is where a family of five sleep on one mattress.
After the students perform the volunteers usually bring small gifts for them. This time they got bubbles and were very excited!
This next room I want you to envision standing in the middle and rotating to each wall and taking a photo. This is where the girls sleep.
The ladies at the orphanage make clothing to sell.
This is where some minimal cooking was done if needed.
The building to the left is the outside of the girls room and to the right is the kitchen where the kids meals are prepared.
They cook over an open fire so it gets very smoky inside.
These are the bathrooms and showers for the adults and children of the orphanage.
This is the new school that was built.
These are the classrooms. We hung some of their photos they made, but I would like to see it more colorful in the future.
The kids that live at the orphanage come from all over. Some have parents and some do not . Some have already over came a great deal of obstacles, but somehow still thrive on the love of volunteers and others around them. I am glad I had the opportunity to come to Cambodia to volunteer and get to meet these lovely children.
While I was there some of the volunteers did a going away party for the kids. We made pancakes for all the kids the first night and the second night they made fried rice with chicken and vegetables for over 100 people. They also bought each child at the orphanage a new outfit to wear and wrapped them for the kids. During the day and into the evening they had a dance party and had their makeup done. Then they were treated with some pop. Needless to say they loved it and put their new clothes on right over top the old ones!
One skillet …tons of pancakes… challenge accepted…
We improvised with peanut butter and jelly haha.
So happy !
Teacher me…me..me….
Everyone will get some, don’t worry !
Shower caps were a hit…
I have to admit upon first arriving I was a bit concerned. Once crossing the Cambodian border a tuk tuk driver asked me why I was here. I told him I was volunteering at an orphanage. His response was ” I hate to break my chest to tell you this but only 20% of orphanages in Cambodia are good places; People do it for the wrong reasons so just be careful.” This made me have a knot in my stomach, but I went with it to see how it was.
Work Away had stated that the stay would be 5 dollars a day to volunteer. I understand the aspect of helping with the cost of things, but then I arrive and he says it’s 2.00 more dollars a day for food when it was supposed to be included in the price. I paid the two dollars, but if someone were on a tight budget for an extended period of time then it would probably be concerning. The kids had hardly any supplies in the classrooms or in general to work with so we came up with different games to play with them.
Teaching feelings with skittles . They had never had skittles before .
A maze to practice giving directions.. left, right..no your other right..back.. They loved it.
Just when they thought it was easy … we threw in some eggs .. haha!
I also wanted things to hang around the classroom to add color so we started putting their activities and drawings up on the walls. A few volunteers went together and bought pencils, coloring books, stickers,posters, pencils sharpeners , colored pencils, sticky tak, balloons, scissors, glue sticks, paint, and multi colored paper. All of these things were a little over 40 dollars. Hands on materials are essential for the classroom and learning. They will improve their motor skills, vocabulary , and learn how to take responsibility for their supplies.
John and Bexs prepared the paint and showed them an example.
The younger kids did colors and we worked on finger painting a rainbow.
The older kids were working on the weather and painted a scene on their choice. As we gave them the paint we realized they had never painted before. As one would expect total Chaos it was actually the complete opposite. The class was quiet and they slowly chose which colors they wanted and carefully washed each color off when they wanted a new color. It was amazing to watch and witness them do something completely new. The painting was a success.
Even the teacher got involved =)
As time went on I tried to understand the aspects from a Cambodian point of view. Maybe it was the buildings that were more important at the time to show that they owned something. Maybe things were that way because they genuinely thought it was best for the kids at the time. When you give people money that have never had before it tends to change people and their view of things. Although I will probably never understand what view that is, the overall value and reasoning for the place are the children themselves; and they along with the classroom aspect should come first.
The garden is great for self-sufficiency . The fruit trees will help as well. But those things won’t appear over night. Things in Cambodia are still developing as a country itself let alone trying to build up a huge orphanage. From my point of view the investment is in the kids. If you invest in them and help them learn you are automatically improving their quality of life.
The kids are fed three meals a day they have somewhere to sleep. Their circumstances are better than some. It helps with volunteers being there to give love and affection. The kids love to be around the volunteers and try whatever they are trying. (Sometimes they will ask to play on your computer or phone… okay all the time haha) In time hopefully the dorm will be built and they will have their own bed and a room to share. I look forward to seeing the progress and changes in the future.
What do you do when you get some chicken feet soup??
Like I said before I am very glad that I had the opportunity to volunteer at this orphanage. The people in Cambodia have faced a lot of hardship but they are kind and always smiling. I hope to come back in the future at some point to visit the orphanage.
I found this graffiti in a bathroom stall. Just a daily reminder of how much privileged we are.
As I prepare to leave Cambodia I feel very emotional. I once didn’t have much and I can remember sometimes we didn’t have electric or internet or another bill was shut off. My grandma would always say “I’m robbing peter to pay Paul” It wasn’t until I was older that I knew what that really meant. She did everything she could to manage but sometimes it just wasn’t enough money. Even though the bills would pile up and some of the necessities would be shut off we always had games, t.v., coloring books, and movies. I think those tangible things made up for not having other things. It fills a void that one has. It’s something that isn’t taken away at the time, and for that time even if it’s for a little while you feel happy. So I feel sad that they don’t have their “own” things. I feel bad that they always see new people and have to say goodbye. Goodbyes are hard for a young child who doesn’t understand.
For these kids they don’t have much to play with they enjoy the company of each other and make kite figures out of sticks and left over material from the clothing that is sewn.
I want to see those kids have a bright future. I want them to be able to go out of the orphanage to experience things. I want them to have a lot of things that they have never had before. It saddens me that some may never have those “things” that make childhood so memorable. So in efforts to help a little I would like to send books to them, because they have no picture books or starter books. As children we all like things we can see and touch. Books in general are a great way to learn and see new things. After all if we can’t go places at least we can pretend through books and reading. It gives hope. If your ever in Cambodia and get the chance; stop out and volunteer and teach with the kids. They will appreciate any amount of time you give them.
If you have any questions about donating things to the kids please contact the following Sean Samnang or visit the website
sillylillyblog 