Tag Archives: sad

Shitty Luck

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These last two going on three months have been the worst here lately. I’m sure you can feel my frustration through the following vent session.

November 8th I went to work and I was reviewing CPR skills with my sophomore health classes. I bent down to put the dummy back in the bag and felt my chest collapse. It was a suffocation feeling that’s only been familiar with past panic attacks, only it did not go away after sitting down for a while. I went to my school nurse as fast as possible. She called my husband to get me to the emergency room. After evaluation in the emergency room they revealed that my lung had collapsed and they were transporting me by ambulance to the next closest hospital for monitoring.

I missed two weeks of work and could barely move. I slept in a recliner because I felt like I was suffocating laying down.

My husband took the brunt of the work with our one and two year old.

A month later my 20% lung collapse resolved itself thankfully, I met with a pulmonologist and he said there’s a 15% chance of it happening again. It was a spontaneous collapse and they don’t know why it happened but it was rare.

If this can happen randomly to someone that’s never smoked I fear for those who choose to put harmful substances in their bodies.

Dec 11th I had a planned surgery for my foot.

Last summer my toes started going numb in my shoes. I thought it was the shoes, but regardless of the shoes I tried it still persisted. I went to a podiatrist and found out I had a plantar tear. It had been caused from a bad bunion on my big toe which caused the weight of my foot to shift to the middle toes causing the plantar plate to rip.

So I go in for surgery the 11th get prepped. The whole prepping process felt rushed, but I realize everyone is on a time schedule. It was an outpatient surgery.

The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I wanted a nerve block said it would reduce pain for the first 3 days. I went ahead with it thinking it would help with me going home to my 1 and 2 year old sons. As he administers the nerve block he says “I don’t even get paid any extra for administering these.” He came across as nice, but arrogant. before going back I had asked if I was going to have a cast on. The Dr. said he wasn’t sure. I told him I wore leggings not thinking. He said that’s okay, if anything you can wear home surgical pants.

I wake up and I can feel everything. It was immense pain and In a cast up to my knee!!! I hear a nurse saying “this is ridiculous it’s 4:30 and she is just sleeping over there.” I’m sure they were ready to go after all this was an outpatient surgery but who says that as a nurse caring for a patient.

The nerve block did not work or it wore off… I told the nurse I was in such pain and she called him back to do another nerve block. He comes back and says “ I’m very good at my job, but something isn’t right.” (DUH) he proceeds to do another one.

I had not eaten since 7 the night before and I always get so sick after having anesthesia. The nurse gave me a ginger ale and 2 crackers and told me to try and eat them as they give me another hydrocodone. It made me dry heave.

I get up to make it off the bed and get dressed the previous nurse that was complaining jerks my sock on and rushed to get me dressed. When I told them I needed pants they said “we don’t have pants here, you’ll have to go home in your gown and underwear.

So that is what they did put my underwear on, my hoodie, and threw my gown on over it . It was 17 degrees and snowing !! No offer to use the bathroom – my surgery was at 11.

They got me off the bed and the incision started bleeding from my toes. They asked me if I started my period on the floor. I said no. They proceeded to stuff gauze between my toes and told me to remove it when I got home. Due to this I had to go back to the local hospital 3 days later and get it all cleaned out.

The nurse that wheeled me out just seemed cold. She didn’t offer to help me get in the car told me to prop my foot up and when I told I couldn’t she shoved my hospital bag under my foot.

This has been a way longer recovery than I ever anticipated and very difficult to navigate life with one leg and two toddlers with my husband doing to brunt of the work. This is a true test to “In sickness and in health” during these times.

Dec 26th I got my cast off and put in a walking boot. The bottom of my foot was not healed but they removed the stitches and put steri strips on it.

The nurse told me to wait three days and take the strips off then I could shower. So did that . I got out of the shower and my foot ripped back open. 😭

I just feel so over it at this point and defeated. What pisses me off is when people know you’re struggling and do nothing. I have very limited help so the porch drop offs, the help with the kids, the house, the laundry or anything else is greatly appreciated by all those whom helped through this very long process of healing.

It seems like things just keep happening to me here lately and I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to stop and breathe, maybe I need to reflect. I’m not sure. I’m trying not to succumb to all the negative things that have happened to me but it is very difficult.

Feelings

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Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Snow Days

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Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…

We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.

Sully and Niko -18 months and 4 months.

This was their first view of the snow.

I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!

Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!

They are starting to look more and more alike!

We are going to need a bigger buggy !
Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!

The day was very relaxing and much needed!

Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.

This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete.
Taste testing …
Not a fan !
We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂
Then he Stuck his foot in it!

This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.

Niko loved his first snow day!

I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.

Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.

In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞

Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .

So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.

Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.

Mother’s Day

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Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Waiting for Droppings

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Everyday we eat together at this table we made together . Steele will lay under the table and wait for us to finish. You better bet if you drop something he will be there faster than Sonic the hedgehog to clean it up! On this day we had finished eating. I looked over and he was laying like this looking so sad that we hadn’t dropped anything ! Don’t worry he doesn’t miss a meal.

Thanks for stopping by to read my blog ! ~Lilly

Nan 

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I was going through my old drafts on here and found this one. I’m going to leave the beginning be, because those were the original thoughts that went through my head. I’m sad to say my Nan passed away last year March 2nd the day after my birthday.

I went to see my great grandma Thelma at Christmas when I was home from South Korea. She was in really good humor and was very happy to have some company . My gram (her daughter) had passed away and she was feeling down . This was her only daughter of course, and the woman who raised me my whole life . During this visit she repeatedly said “my baby is gone, my baby is gone.” 

Growing up she would always come and stay with us in the Summers. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland when I was younger.So each time she would come we had to go pick her up. She was very contrary then … you can imagine what she is like now. She means well though . If I were 97 I’d probably be a little contrary too. I love going to see her though .

Each time you better have a coke in one hand and party mix in the other . Besides that she will have her shirt stuffed with snacks as you see in the picture below . 

I just noticed she is wearing the same shirt both times . 😊


This past time I went to see her with my sister Mikki.We took her some snacks and a coke like always . She was still laying in bed and asking where her wallet was.

We went to ask the nurse and they had it out in her wheelchair ready to give her a bath. She gave it to us to take back to the room. Nan said “open it and see if my money is in there.” She never had much, but she had a couple dollars and some change .

I started looking in the wallet and she had all kinds of old pictures of me and my siblings . It was actually pretty funny to look back at all of them.

She proceeded to call me an “old bag” and tell the jokes she has been telling for years . 

“Have you been eating oranges?” …. no 

“You have skin all over your face!” 

She has been in the nursing home for a long time. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind . I can only hope I have a sense of humor when I’m in my 90’s if I make it that long!! 

I found this picture on her bed side table and it’s the only one I’ve seen with her my gram and my grams three kids together .

My mom is the one in the red , my uncle Joey in the middle ,and my Aunt Cheryl on the right. The only one living is my Aunt Cheryl. It’s sad to think about losing family.

It’s worse to come to the realization that I just turned 30 March 1, 2020, and all these people are dead except my Aunt Cheryl. In January my grandpa passed as well.

It’s funny how time goes on people change. Your perspective changes. Your life changes. You grow apart from people, because you you don’t agree with them. When it’s all said and done a death is a death no matter how you look at it or what view point you are coming from it’s sad. You lose another piece of your heart.

I’d like to think my heart hasn’t became hardened, I fret getting a phone call . Each time I do it’s that another family member has died. As sad as that is I’m not sure how much death one person is capable of facing without gaining some sort of numbness towards death.

I was listening to an audio book the other day and one line said . “Death makes us a deeper person and with out loss we would be dense.” I guess that’s a good way to put it.

Through all the hardship I try to remember the good memories to get me through the bad days.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog! Check out some of the other ones if you have the time !

 

Flying High

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Hello World,

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. This past year and a half has been a very busy time in my life. I went to training to become a flight attendant on September 11, 2017. I had came home from traveling and really missed traveling, but I didn’t want to be so far away from home for years at a time. I had missed out on weddings, babies, birthdays, and anything in between. So I thought what can I do where I can still travel, make money, and be home. That’s when being a flight attendant popped in my head.

Do you ever fantasize about jobs and you think it will be your dream job then you get into it and you think ” Shit …. this isn’t what I signed up for.” I had thought that many times when I went to training to be a flight attendant. It was very hard and stressful. The challenges were demanding and it broke me several times. You had to score 90% or higher on every exam and you only get two retakes… I failed test 1 and test 4 …. this is when my first breakdown happened. You never know how bad you want something until you have to fight for it. Well this fight was one I wasn’t going to let beat me. We had emergency drills, test, quizzes, 14 hour days where we didn’t finish till midnight and had to be up early the next day. If you fell asleep in class you were kicked out. This was to get you used to those long days in the future I suppose. My class started with 60 some people and we graduated with 32. The struggle was REAL!! We had made it…. I really don’t think I would have made it without my friends and my roommate !

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Then reality sets in and your like damn no one told me this or that.. how do I bid to make my schedule? I have to go sit “Hot” at the airport for 8-10 hours and only be paid half of the time.. I may get called out and I may not…Your shifts can range from 3 am to 3 pm , 7 am to 7 pm , or 10 am to 10 pm. I have the mentality of getting started early and get done early so I always chose to have the 3-3 shift. So that means when they call me at 3 I have 2 hours to be at the airport. I live an hour and a half away from the airport so I had 10-15 minutes to get up and get ready and out the door to make it there on time. Did I look glamorous? Probably not… was I on time ? You bet your ass I was. I have never been one for being late to work or being absent. One of my previous bosses told me being late is never attractive to an employer.  Being on time is late, late is late, early is on time.

Social Life

It took me 9 months before I ever worked with the same person again. The social aspects for this job are hard because you work with different people all the time. Some of them have been with the company for 20 years while others are brand new. I found that the people who have been with the company for a long time will just go to their hotel rooms and shut the door.   “I’ve seen it all before” ** insert my eyes rolling ** and the new people will want to go out and explore wherever you may be staying overnight. Fortunately I have been to a few long overnights and was able to get out and explore whether it be on my own or with someone new. Why wouldn’t you? One of my favorites was in New Orleans. Shoutout to Stephanie for wanting to go explore with me ! I was also able to swing by and check out Stephen Kings house in Bangor, Maine.

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Obsessed with the sky

I have found that I am that person on the plane that wants to sit next to the window on most flights. Especially when there is a good sunrise or sunset. If you say “They are all the same.” Shame on you! They are not and I have the proof!! It’s seriously become my favorite things on flights! I have way more pictures of the sky but I don’t want it to look like I’m not working hahahhaha!

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The Pay 

I work for a regional airline so the pay starts at $17.49 and you work your way up but it takes 15 years to get to $35.00 an hour and that’s what some main line workers start at! So I went part time so I could pick up substitute teaching jobs, I work at a country club serving in the evenings, and I help this local company can hot pepper mustard and other canned goods.  I did my taxes and to my disappointment I only made 23,800 for the whole year ! WORKING 4 JOBS!! No one should have to work 4 jobs to make that little of money. So I have recently made the choice to quit flying and start subbing more often. I feel very sad because it is a job that I really do enjoy. The wages just aren’t merely enough to survive. I not only want to survive I want to thrive in my job. I want to feel like I am working toward a better future. I want to have a better quality of life and on those wages I just can’t do that. I mean who doesn’t want to grow into something better ? If you say you don’t then you should probably dig a little deeper to find out why not.

Benefits

Don’t get me wrong the benefits are great IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND TIME TO USE THEM.  You fly for free and by free I mean standby. Standby isn’t a bad thing if you aren’t trying to commute for work, you travel in the down season, and you have flexibility in your schedule. Otherwise you should just purchase a ticket… I was lucky enough to be able to use my benefits a few times to help me out over the last year or so. I went to Disney … well attempted 2 times and got stuck two times with no open seats …we ended up renting a car and driving to Orlando because I didn’t have much time off of work. Ryan and I were able to get first class going to Punta Cana. Susan and I went to Portugal recently and we scored first class on Delta One. Let me tell you if you haven’t flown first class on Delta one it’s unreal. The seats lay into a bed, you get a Tumi cosmetic bag with goodies in it. They serve So.Much.Food. I swear I didn’t eat until lunch time the next day! Unreal experience. Here are a few pictures from my trips.

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So as I sit here feeling sad for not being able to fly anymore I feel so blessed at the same time to have been able to go the places I have. Meet the people I have met and gone through the experiences I have gone through. It probably wouldn’t have happened without the benefits of being a flight attendant. I am grateful for the opportunity and I am so glad I made the choice to go to that training ! If nothing else it made me realize that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. It made me realize that I am worth more for what I put in. It made me focus on wanting a better quality of life.

You may be looking at these pictures thinking ” It looks like a great quality of life.” Well until you sit countless hours in the airport, get your flights diverted, have passengers mad at you for things out of your control, get up at 2 am and get home at 4am, deal with working first class which is like people working the stock market. There is so much going on at once. You have people boarding, someone wants you to throw away their trash, someone needs to use the bathroom, people need a drink to take a pill, people are arguing over overhead bin space… and the list goes on.  Just let me tell you that bin space is Not assigned to your seat space! Please throw away your trash before you get on the plane Especially if it’s an awkward shaped pizza box! We don’t have that much room for pizza boxes in the trash bin. Buy a drink in the airport or carry an empty water bottle through security then fill it. Please give us your trash 1 of the 20 times we walk through the aisle. We are the ones that have to pick up your things you leave behind! The next time you fly please be considerate to your flight attendants. Some of them haven’t been home in days. They may not have had time to get off the place to get something to eat throughout the day. More than likely they are probably tired!

So as of now I am putting away my wings. Maybe I’ll pick them back up in the future. We shall see. Now I am just tired physically and mentally and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s been a great ride.

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Mother’s

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I Wonder

Sometimes I think about you Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be

because I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes looking back at me They’re the only thing you ever gave to me at all

I think about how it ain’t fair That you weren’t there to braid my hair Like mothers do You weren’t around to cheer me on help me dress for my high school prom like mothers do

Did you think I didn’t need you here to hold my hand to dry my tears Did you even miss me through the years at all

Forgiveness is such a simple word But it’s so hard to do when you’ve been hurt

These Lyrics are lyrics from Kelly Picklers song I Wonder.

I heard this song a long time ago and it has always reminded me of my biological mom. She has always been in and out of my life but words can’t describe how much stronger it has made me as a person. Yeah, when I was younger I couldn’t understand how someone could just leave their children; and show up when everything felt convenient.

This was one of the first lesson’s I would learn in life. What is was like to feel loss.

Here recently I lost my grandmother Lillian. The feeling of loss never changes. It’s like this dark pit in your heart that may never find its way to be filled. You just have to cherish the memories and look at the good times you had together.

People come in and out of your life all the time. It’s the one’s who make impressions on your heart that last forever.

Mom and ME Me and my grandma

photo 2-3 me as a baby

I think of my grandma ( Mom)  Lillian and I picture a strong selfless woman who gave  her all to make anyone happy. She chose to give up so much of her own life to raise all seven of her grandchildren. But if you were to ask her she would say she didn’t give up anything. She would have said she gave everything. She gave her whole heart to raise us the best she could. While growing up she never tried to change any of our personalities, but rather let us form into who we wanted to be. She was never the kind to yell very often and always had such a tender touch. She didn’t cherish name brand things or anything materialistic. Her most valued possessions were pictures that were hand drawn and collages that were made to hang on the wall. She made me value staying true to yourself,  being stubborn to get what you want, and to appreciate the little things in life. She had so much love to give and always welcomed anyone.

photo 2-4 Brother Lawrence and Quinn

1469753_722544511153332_6133356015569806056_n Brother Nando and Logan

28162_10151844507923084_1375105081_n Brother Ramon

Strength 

My family struggled for money and still do, but she always did her best to get us what we needed. As a child you don’t realize all the struggles your parents go through to provide what you need. For the longest time I can say that I didn’t know we struggled. You’re so naive as a child. I knew myself as a helper.a friend, and an open ear whenever my mom wanted to talk. I can remember her getting breast cancer. She was so weak. This was the first time any of us saw her sick, but she stayed strong through it all. The hardest part was losing her hair, and even with that happening she was sad, but took it as it came.  I helped her, fed her, slept by her. She fought and she over came cancer. This was the first time of many test of strength that I would see her face over the years.

Rich In Ways I Didn’t Realize

As I stated before I didn’t realize we struggled for the longest time. My grandma didn’t work and we got a monthly check. It was never looked down upon like it is in most cases if anything she did the best she could with what she had. A lot of the times she would refer to the saying “I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul.” Anyone who has ever been in that situation knows it’s not a good feeling, but she somehow made everything seem okay even if it wasn’t. She was a woman of strength and when asked how she was doing she would say “I’m good” even if she wasn’t.  I remember one day I was hungry for something we didn’t have and I said “Man I wish we weren’t poor.” Her only reply was “Oh Lillian  you don’t know what poor is.” You have food just not what you want, clothes, and a roof over your head.” “That’s not what you call poor.” As time went on I would learn that she was right. I don’t know what poor is like and life could have been way worse than what it was. I was richer in more ways than I realized. I think of all the things that we have been through, but I wouldn’t ever put my grandma down on anything she did. Times were hard, but because I learned the way I did I have gained so much respect for my grandma and enough resilience to last a life time.

While I was in Korea the last letter I got from my grandma was a letter saying she was so proud of me , but she was sorry she couldn’t give me a better life. I never doubted the amount of effort she put into raising me. She had nothing to be sorry for.

I have experienced more at 25 years old than most people have their whole life. If there is one thing I would say it would be that I am grateful. I am grateful for the start I had, because without my grandma raising me it’s hard telling what would or could have happened. She tried with all her heart to steer me away from the wrong things in life. She did just that by sacrificing all that she had to give it to us. Without going through hell and experiencing loss I wouldn’t know what joy felt like.

JOY So define joy. Joy to me is having someone in my life to look after and protect me. Joy is being able to appreciate all the little things, because after all we never had the big things. To me that’s more than words could ever describe. Joy is sharing your hardships and success with others in hopes to make a positive impact on their lives. Joy is not being selfish and sharing your heart. Joy is what my mom was full of raising us with.

photo 1  nephew Logan

photo 1-2 niece Quinn

MEMORIES 

I’m going to miss being able to call her up at any point because she was a night owl after all. Even after all of the kids were in bed she didn’t rest. She would clean, sweep, watch some t.v., drink a cup of tea with milk and sugar and sit up late. She would share stories and ask me about my future . At one point I told her I wanted to be an artist, because I loved to paint and draw. Her reply was honest as always. ” You don’t want to be an artist they don’t make money until they are dead.” I laughed and said “Yeah. maybe not I’ll just draw pictures for you then. I was already a star in her eyes.

Unconditional Love

If anything she showed me what unconditional love meant. Her love was never-ending no matter what you did. Her heart was huge and even when she was disappointed she never let anyone know it. She fought hard to keep our family together and even if we weren’t all together physically we always were in her heart.

As most of you know I lost my mom recently. So if you have made it this far in reading this all of this you are reading what I read at her funeral. The exact words. My grandma may not have been my biological mother but it doesn’t matter. She was the only mother I have ever known. So like I said before. regardless of who takes care of you or helps you if they made a lasting impression on your heart that is all that matters.

photo 3 Me and Mom

PROUD

I have never been prouder to say I’ve had such a great influence in my life. As this time is difficult right now and I feel like my heart is in a million different pieces . I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain. She raised me to have a heart of a lion , and I will continue to use it to make a positive impact on people’s lives. She was so proud of everything we did. I will work hard to carry on with life. She has shaped me in to a strong, independent, resilient woman who refuses to settle for less than great. I don’t think I could have asked for more.

123

While talking to her she refused to hang up the phone because she didn’t want to hang up on me first, and I refused to hang up on her. It’s like we were always a distance away from each other, but didn’t want time to end. So she came up with this idea to always count to three together before hanging up the phone.You see time never ended because she will always be in my heart .  We lost a mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and best friend.Now that is the woman who made me who I am today and I am proud to call her my MOM. 123.

photo 2 Mom and Felix

photo 3-2 me , my sister Yvette, and cousin Tiffany photo 4 Mom, Quinn, and I

photo 4-2 Mom, Quinn, and I / Mikki and I

ADVICE So if you are reading this my advice to you would be cherish your loved ones. Be grateful you have parents who love you. Teat them with respect as well as anyone else, and always let others have the chance to affect you in all the right ways. Much Love. Lilly