Tag Archives: thoughts

Seasons

thoughts, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I cannot figure out what is wrong but I’m missing something that belongs. They say people come and people go, but some relationships are bestowed.

For what do I owe to get those back as I’m always looking for the facts. You tell people how you think and some are gone within a blink. I guess some are fake and some are foes, but sometimes you never know. Why shall people come and go just like seasons I’ll never know. I have a problem with accepting loss although I know these needs sometimes seem cross. What do I need to do to stop the feelings of blue?

Like the seasons come and go some run like they never showed. How can these feelings of abandonment take over like a rip current out of nowhere. Feelings thrashing out of the blue over little reasons of missing you.

Like the seasons are ever changing so are my thoughts and I’m constantly dazing. Wondering how some let go so easily, like we’ve skipped fall and the leaves are oh so free. It’s so easy to put up a wall because you’re always afraid to fall. Crashing down so fast and free I miss the old carefree me.

Shitty Luck

Life updates, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

These last two going on three months have been the worst here lately. I’m sure you can feel my frustration through the following vent session.

November 8th I went to work and I was reviewing CPR skills with my sophomore health classes. I bent down to put the dummy back in the bag and felt my chest collapse. It was a suffocation feeling that’s only been familiar with past panic attacks, only it did not go away after sitting down for a while. I went to my school nurse as fast as possible. She called my husband to get me to the emergency room. After evaluation in the emergency room they revealed that my lung had collapsed and they were transporting me by ambulance to the next closest hospital for monitoring.

I missed two weeks of work and could barely move. I slept in a recliner because I felt like I was suffocating laying down.

My husband took the brunt of the work with our one and two year old.

A month later my 20% lung collapse resolved itself thankfully, I met with a pulmonologist and he said there’s a 15% chance of it happening again. It was a spontaneous collapse and they don’t know why it happened but it was rare.

If this can happen randomly to someone that’s never smoked I fear for those who choose to put harmful substances in their bodies.

Dec 11th I had a planned surgery for my foot.

Last summer my toes started going numb in my shoes. I thought it was the shoes, but regardless of the shoes I tried it still persisted. I went to a podiatrist and found out I had a plantar tear. It had been caused from a bad bunion on my big toe which caused the weight of my foot to shift to the middle toes causing the plantar plate to rip.

So I go in for surgery the 11th get prepped. The whole prepping process felt rushed, but I realize everyone is on a time schedule. It was an outpatient surgery.

The anesthesiologist came in and asked if I wanted a nerve block said it would reduce pain for the first 3 days. I went ahead with it thinking it would help with me going home to my 1 and 2 year old sons. As he administers the nerve block he says “I don’t even get paid any extra for administering these.” He came across as nice, but arrogant. before going back I had asked if I was going to have a cast on. The Dr. said he wasn’t sure. I told him I wore leggings not thinking. He said that’s okay, if anything you can wear home surgical pants.

I wake up and I can feel everything. It was immense pain and In a cast up to my knee!!! I hear a nurse saying “this is ridiculous it’s 4:30 and she is just sleeping over there.” I’m sure they were ready to go after all this was an outpatient surgery but who says that as a nurse caring for a patient.

The nerve block did not work or it wore off… I told the nurse I was in such pain and she called him back to do another nerve block. He comes back and says “ I’m very good at my job, but something isn’t right.” (DUH) he proceeds to do another one.

I had not eaten since 7 the night before and I always get so sick after having anesthesia. The nurse gave me a ginger ale and 2 crackers and told me to try and eat them as they give me another hydrocodone. It made me dry heave.

I get up to make it off the bed and get dressed the previous nurse that was complaining jerks my sock on and rushed to get me dressed. When I told them I needed pants they said “we don’t have pants here, you’ll have to go home in your gown and underwear.

So that is what they did put my underwear on, my hoodie, and threw my gown on over it . It was 17 degrees and snowing !! No offer to use the bathroom – my surgery was at 11.

They got me off the bed and the incision started bleeding from my toes. They asked me if I started my period on the floor. I said no. They proceeded to stuff gauze between my toes and told me to remove it when I got home. Due to this I had to go back to the local hospital 3 days later and get it all cleaned out.

The nurse that wheeled me out just seemed cold. She didn’t offer to help me get in the car told me to prop my foot up and when I told I couldn’t she shoved my hospital bag under my foot.

This has been a way longer recovery than I ever anticipated and very difficult to navigate life with one leg and two toddlers with my husband doing to brunt of the work. This is a true test to “In sickness and in health” during these times.

Dec 26th I got my cast off and put in a walking boot. The bottom of my foot was not healed but they removed the stitches and put steri strips on it.

The nurse told me to wait three days and take the strips off then I could shower. So did that . I got out of the shower and my foot ripped back open. 😭

I just feel so over it at this point and defeated. What pisses me off is when people know you’re struggling and do nothing. I have very limited help so the porch drop offs, the help with the kids, the house, the laundry or anything else is greatly appreciated by all those whom helped through this very long process of healing.

It seems like things just keep happening to me here lately and I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me. Maybe I need to slow down, maybe I need to stop and breathe, maybe I need to reflect. I’m not sure. I’m trying not to succumb to all the negative things that have happened to me but it is very difficult.

Feelings

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Here lately I have felt off. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’ve felt off from myself , the world, and things around me. I have tried to pinpoint one thing and I can’t really put my finger on it . I have an 8 month old and a 22 month old now and I’ve been working full time as a teacher. I have guilt for working full time and not being with my boys, I’m tired and feel on edge after getting home. Please don’t ask me to make another decision.I’m counting down the days for summer break. Hell I’ve only been in school for half a year due to maternity leave. If I’m this tired now what’s it going to be like going back next year for a full year ?!?! I just have a lot on my mind.

Mother’s Day was recently and I felt like this the weeks leading up to that. I hate to blame it on Mother’s Day alone because that day is SUPPOSED to be and feel special. Although I say everyday is Mother’s Day Especially since I have my own children now. Don’t get me wrong I love love love my boys and my husband makes it special. I hate that this day is tainted by past experiences. But I’m always left in a funk for days after this day and holidays in general.

I’ve tried to put my thoughts into words because it seems like the most effective way to release the depressing thoughts that linger in my mind. I pray to God for help with these feelings because they come back so often. Maybe one day I won’t have them all channeled within. Until then I need to try and manage to the best of my ability.

So I wrote this poem.

When is Mommy coming home as I watched her thumb a ride from some trucker on route 50. My grandma tells me she will be back, but who knows what day, month, or year.

When she comes back I have fear.

She brings bad things anytime she is near.

I fear her falling on the floor puking and foaming from the mouth.

She lays there shaking violently as she shudders from another epileptic seizure. She looks blue.

As she returns to us, she sits up confused asking “what just happened” as if she doesn’t have a clue.

As I get older I realize my mother only comes back each time she is pregnant. Neglecting another child for my grandma to raise.

This pattern repeats until number seven is on the way. She leaves each one, and each time we look for her to come back one day.

Grandma tells me she loves me and gives me praise.

I have hatred towards my mother for making me an in home sitter. All these bottled feelings make me very bitter.

Needless to say my mother and I did not see eye to eye, she repeatedly brought home a different guy.

When I moved away I didn’t see here for years. She came to my grandmas funeral and was in tears.

The guilt, the shame, the years of abuse I’m sure they caught up with her for the trauma she caused in past years.

This would be the last time I saw her. We did not hug , we did not sit down and chat , she looked really bad.

I would get a call a few weeks later stating my mother had been found, and cause of death was an overdose.

I pause on the phone in disbelief. I’m sad , I’m mad, I don’t know what to say. In a way I expected it to end this way.

I was asked to come identify her body since I was next of kin, but I couldn’t do it from the struggle within.

The title Mother, Mommy, Mom is one that is deserved.

After having children of my own I know the hard work that’s put in to manage it all. It’s easy to feel like your going to fall. Fall to the depths of the deepest ground. Fall from within from all the stresses around.

Unfortunately my mother passed without leaving her stories behind. I’m sad I never got to know her for who she really was.

The drugs and alcohol left me with someone I didn’t want to know. This game of life is not a show. I cannot lie and say I’m okay. For the past eats me alive some days.

I don’t know why I feel this way, maybe it’s the hormones they say.

My mother left an empty space in my heart that I long to fill, this feeling can’t be cured with a pill.

I want My Mother’s Day to be special each year. I’ll do that by keeping my boys near. I’ll listen to their fears, and make sure they know how much I love them daily.

This feeling of sadness will slowly dissipate.

My mother chose her fate.

I will always be recovering from the damage she caused. These feelings sometimes get me to pause. It’s small triggers from memories I have tucked away. I hope they pass in the coming days.

After all the adversity I’ve faced, I’m resilient and I see brighter days. Life can be different by changing your ways.

Thank you for reading a piece of my story.

Snow Days

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Snow days hit different when you become a teacher. They really hit different when you have children and you’re a teacher…

We’ve had our first snow days this past week and I have to admit this had been good for my soul. I felt free when playing outside with my children. I actually enjoy sledding as an adult, but to see the look on my child’s face in the snow for the first time is something I never want to forget. Sully (18months) was able to play in it and Niko was bundled up but took it all in. He looked so angelic looking up at the sky with the snow falling around him.

Sully and Niko -18 months and 4 months.

This was their first view of the snow.

I love doing first experiences with my children, and look forward to more in the future!

Sully rode around with his tongue out the whole time!

They are starting to look more and more alike!

We are going to need a bigger buggy !
Of course we had to let Steele ride with us. He is now 7!

The day was very relaxing and much needed!

Later on I introduced Sully to play dough and tried to do an activity with it. He ate it and wanted it rolled in balls to try and bounce instead lol.

This fine motor activity is what we were aiming to complete.
Taste testing …
Not a fan !
We ended the night with some popcorn! Sully wanted it all to himself 😂
Then he Stuck his foot in it!

This is the life we live. I’m so thankful for these little boys.

Niko loved his first snow day!

I get so sad when I drop them off in the mornings before work . I’m not sure if that will ever end. I was able to be off work for three months with both of them when Niko was born Aug 30th.

Going back to work has been more challenging for me this time around. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and not able to focus on the main task at hand. When this happens I get really bad chest pain from anxiety and have to remember to breathe. It’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do and it gives me a sense of balance. It would be nice to find something to be able to work from home or part time for a bit until the kids started school.

In my mind I want to do things with them, expose them to things, make sensory bins, take them on walks, help them navigate the world. I realize I can’t do it all though. 😞

Thankfully my in laws have been the primary care takers for the boys when we are working. If they aren’t watching them we drive about an hour in the day to take them and go get them from the sitter. She is amazing and I know she takes great care of the boys. We have had problems finding childcare since moving so that’s been another battle on my mind as my in laws are in their late 60s and two under 2 is exhausting for me let alone 67 year olds .

So these snow days were not only a break from work but a sense of relief for me to breathe and spend time with my family.

Thank you for reading about my life, I hope you’ve enjoyed the snow as much as we have.

Mother’s Day

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Each year Mother’s Day comes and goes and I always seem to go through all the phases of grieving all over again. If you don’t know, my mom ( grandma that raised me and my biological mom ) passed away when I was 26 years old.

It’s almost like going through all the stages of grief all over again. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Sometimes I feel like I never had time to grieve if that makes any sense. So much went on in such little time I just had to push through, be strong for everyone else, and get on with working 3 jobs to save money to get back on track.

Then I get angry, because I know people who have moms and treat them like crap.

I’m angry that I don’t have my mom here to call on rides home from work, to tell Happy Mother’s Day to, to eat her chocolate covered strawberries my Aunt would send her, or give her flowers, or take her out to eat to somewhere she’s never been. You know spoil her like she deserves.

Then I think to myself well maybe if life would have been different she would still be alive and I begin to bargain with myself . Although no matter how many times I think things through it wouldn’t change the way things were.

There’s a small piece of the day I feel really down and depressed, but I know deep down there’s nothing that can change what’s happened.

Then I realize that I have people. I have Susan that adopted me as an adult, I have my foster parents , I have my mother in law, I have my friends mom’s that look after me and treat me like their own. So when the day is over I’ve finally hit acceptance. It sucks that it takes going through all those emotions to kind of slap me in the face and say wake up woman! You HAVE MOMS! That’s something not many people can say. I did get ahead of the game and send out cards on time this year so that’s a plus.

It’s a weird way to feel and to process all those different feelings in that order. I try to block it and ignore the day all together sometimes. Some years hit me different and some are more difficult than others.

It’s very heavy on my heart so it helps to write these things out even if it’s a day late.

What is you’re way of coping with holidays after losing someone? Does anyone else feel this way?

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you enjoyed your Mother’s Day with your mother or motherly figures! Treat them good they won’t be around forever.

I was going through pictures and found this one of my Grandma holding me as a baby. She always looked this happy holding a baby. I swear she was a baby whisperer. She raised myself and 6 other siblings. I miss her so much it hurts so badly at times.

I love this quote. I describes how I feel on so many occasions.

Thank you again for reading. I hope it helped if you have a heavy heart as well. ~Lilly

Quarantine Shit

Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

Quarantine has been really weird.

The first two weeks were coming down from stress.

The third week it was trying to figure out how to work from home.

I teach P.E. And Health so I’m always up moving around. Now I’m confined to my house trying to email and call students. I’ve created Instagram to stay in touch, I’ve made a Tik Tok to look silly at best, and got messenger to keep up with what’s going on with the school situation.

I got rid of Facebook when I went to flight attendant training. I would get on and read everyone’s “diary” when I was trying to go through this intense training. The news, complaints, and all the negativity gave me really bad anxiety. So I just got rid of it.

I try to block it all out and honestly I’d rather there be some point of cut off. Some point where not everyone can get in touch with you all the time. You have my number you don’t need to reach me on 25 different apps. So realistically it’s been more difficult than I thought it would be. So now I have all these different options to stay in touch with people, but there’s really no cut off.

The fourth week its just trying to fill the day. I sleep till 11-12 to try and waste some of the day. Some days it’s been really hard to get motivated.

Tell me how in the hell people are stay at home parents? Working from home daily? Or just sitting around not working and just getting by?

I am getting irritated, I miss the gym, I miss work routine. I miss my friends. I miss my family.

My thoughts are trying to eat me alive this week. It could be that my period is due on top of it… great.👿🤬

I’m generally a positive person, but here lately I have to confess it’s getting more difficult.

I’m ready to not be confined, not walk on the same trail , not emailing and sitting for hours at a time. I’m ready to be back in somewhat of a routine.

I hope it comes soon. I miss the days we thought were bad.

Thanks for stopping by to read my blog.

Check out the other blog post if you have time !

Nan 

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , ,

I was going through my old drafts on here and found this one. I’m going to leave the beginning be, because those were the original thoughts that went through my head. I’m sad to say my Nan passed away last year March 2nd the day after my birthday.

I went to see my great grandma Thelma at Christmas when I was home from South Korea. She was in really good humor and was very happy to have some company . My gram (her daughter) had passed away and she was feeling down . This was her only daughter of course, and the woman who raised me my whole life . During this visit she repeatedly said “my baby is gone, my baby is gone.” 

Growing up she would always come and stay with us in the Summers. She lived in Baltimore, Maryland when I was younger.So each time she would come we had to go pick her up. She was very contrary then … you can imagine what she is like now. She means well though . If I were 97 I’d probably be a little contrary too. I love going to see her though .

Each time you better have a coke in one hand and party mix in the other . Besides that she will have her shirt stuffed with snacks as you see in the picture below . 

I just noticed she is wearing the same shirt both times . 😊


This past time I went to see her with my sister Mikki.We took her some snacks and a coke like always . She was still laying in bed and asking where her wallet was.

We went to ask the nurse and they had it out in her wheelchair ready to give her a bath. She gave it to us to take back to the room. Nan said “open it and see if my money is in there.” She never had much, but she had a couple dollars and some change .

I started looking in the wallet and she had all kinds of old pictures of me and my siblings . It was actually pretty funny to look back at all of them.

She proceeded to call me an “old bag” and tell the jokes she has been telling for years . 

“Have you been eating oranges?” …. no 

“You have skin all over your face!” 

She has been in the nursing home for a long time. I can’t imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind . I can only hope I have a sense of humor when I’m in my 90’s if I make it that long!! 

I found this picture on her bed side table and it’s the only one I’ve seen with her my gram and my grams three kids together .

My mom is the one in the red , my uncle Joey in the middle ,and my Aunt Cheryl on the right. The only one living is my Aunt Cheryl. It’s sad to think about losing family.

It’s worse to come to the realization that I just turned 30 March 1, 2020, and all these people are dead except my Aunt Cheryl. In January my grandpa passed as well.

It’s funny how time goes on people change. Your perspective changes. Your life changes. You grow apart from people, because you you don’t agree with them. When it’s all said and done a death is a death no matter how you look at it or what view point you are coming from it’s sad. You lose another piece of your heart.

I’d like to think my heart hasn’t became hardened, I fret getting a phone call . Each time I do it’s that another family member has died. As sad as that is I’m not sure how much death one person is capable of facing without gaining some sort of numbness towards death.

I was listening to an audio book the other day and one line said . “Death makes us a deeper person and with out loss we would be dense.” I guess that’s a good way to put it.

Through all the hardship I try to remember the good memories to get me through the bad days.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog! Check out some of the other ones if you have the time !

 

Flying High

My Crazy Life, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello World,

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. This past year and a half has been a very busy time in my life. I went to training to become a flight attendant on September 11, 2017. I had came home from traveling and really missed traveling, but I didn’t want to be so far away from home for years at a time. I had missed out on weddings, babies, birthdays, and anything in between. So I thought what can I do where I can still travel, make money, and be home. That’s when being a flight attendant popped in my head.

Do you ever fantasize about jobs and you think it will be your dream job then you get into it and you think ” Shit …. this isn’t what I signed up for.” I had thought that many times when I went to training to be a flight attendant. It was very hard and stressful. The challenges were demanding and it broke me several times. You had to score 90% or higher on every exam and you only get two retakes… I failed test 1 and test 4 …. this is when my first breakdown happened. You never know how bad you want something until you have to fight for it. Well this fight was one I wasn’t going to let beat me. We had emergency drills, test, quizzes, 14 hour days where we didn’t finish till midnight and had to be up early the next day. If you fell asleep in class you were kicked out. This was to get you used to those long days in the future I suppose. My class started with 60 some people and we graduated with 32. The struggle was REAL!! We had made it…. I really don’t think I would have made it without my friends and my roommate !

IMG_2269IMG_2268IMG_2257IMG_2254

IMG_2214

Then reality sets in and your like damn no one told me this or that.. how do I bid to make my schedule? I have to go sit “Hot” at the airport for 8-10 hours and only be paid half of the time.. I may get called out and I may not…Your shifts can range from 3 am to 3 pm , 7 am to 7 pm , or 10 am to 10 pm. I have the mentality of getting started early and get done early so I always chose to have the 3-3 shift. So that means when they call me at 3 I have 2 hours to be at the airport. I live an hour and a half away from the airport so I had 10-15 minutes to get up and get ready and out the door to make it there on time. Did I look glamorous? Probably not… was I on time ? You bet your ass I was. I have never been one for being late to work or being absent. One of my previous bosses told me being late is never attractive to an employer.  Being on time is late, late is late, early is on time.

Social Life

It took me 9 months before I ever worked with the same person again. The social aspects for this job are hard because you work with different people all the time. Some of them have been with the company for 20 years while others are brand new. I found that the people who have been with the company for a long time will just go to their hotel rooms and shut the door.   “I’ve seen it all before” ** insert my eyes rolling ** and the new people will want to go out and explore wherever you may be staying overnight. Fortunately I have been to a few long overnights and was able to get out and explore whether it be on my own or with someone new. Why wouldn’t you? One of my favorites was in New Orleans. Shoutout to Stephanie for wanting to go explore with me ! I was also able to swing by and check out Stephen Kings house in Bangor, Maine.

IMG_3677IMG_3678 (1)IMG_3695IMG_3701IMG_3709

IMG_3912

Obsessed with the sky

I have found that I am that person on the plane that wants to sit next to the window on most flights. Especially when there is a good sunrise or sunset. If you say “They are all the same.” Shame on you! They are not and I have the proof!! It’s seriously become my favorite things on flights! I have way more pictures of the sky but I don’t want it to look like I’m not working hahahhaha!

img_4956img_4990img_4992img_3266img_3215

The Pay 

I work for a regional airline so the pay starts at $17.49 and you work your way up but it takes 15 years to get to $35.00 an hour and that’s what some main line workers start at! So I went part time so I could pick up substitute teaching jobs, I work at a country club serving in the evenings, and I help this local company can hot pepper mustard and other canned goods.  I did my taxes and to my disappointment I only made 23,800 for the whole year ! WORKING 4 JOBS!! No one should have to work 4 jobs to make that little of money. So I have recently made the choice to quit flying and start subbing more often. I feel very sad because it is a job that I really do enjoy. The wages just aren’t merely enough to survive. I not only want to survive I want to thrive in my job. I want to feel like I am working toward a better future. I want to have a better quality of life and on those wages I just can’t do that. I mean who doesn’t want to grow into something better ? If you say you don’t then you should probably dig a little deeper to find out why not.

Benefits

Don’t get me wrong the benefits are great IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND TIME TO USE THEM.  You fly for free and by free I mean standby. Standby isn’t a bad thing if you aren’t trying to commute for work, you travel in the down season, and you have flexibility in your schedule. Otherwise you should just purchase a ticket… I was lucky enough to be able to use my benefits a few times to help me out over the last year or so. I went to Disney … well attempted 2 times and got stuck two times with no open seats …we ended up renting a car and driving to Orlando because I didn’t have much time off of work. Ryan and I were able to get first class going to Punta Cana. Susan and I went to Portugal recently and we scored first class on Delta One. Let me tell you if you haven’t flown first class on Delta one it’s unreal. The seats lay into a bed, you get a Tumi cosmetic bag with goodies in it. They serve So.Much.Food. I swear I didn’t eat until lunch time the next day! Unreal experience. Here are a few pictures from my trips.

DSC_1230

DSC_1293

DSC_1249

DSC_1315.jpgDSC_1298.jpg

img_4469img_4531img_4195img_4519img_4521img_4200img_4197

IMG_4077

IMG_4081

IMG_4080.JPG

So as I sit here feeling sad for not being able to fly anymore I feel so blessed at the same time to have been able to go the places I have. Meet the people I have met and gone through the experiences I have gone through. It probably wouldn’t have happened without the benefits of being a flight attendant. I am grateful for the opportunity and I am so glad I made the choice to go to that training ! If nothing else it made me realize that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. It made me realize that I am worth more for what I put in. It made me focus on wanting a better quality of life.

You may be looking at these pictures thinking ” It looks like a great quality of life.” Well until you sit countless hours in the airport, get your flights diverted, have passengers mad at you for things out of your control, get up at 2 am and get home at 4am, deal with working first class which is like people working the stock market. There is so much going on at once. You have people boarding, someone wants you to throw away their trash, someone needs to use the bathroom, people need a drink to take a pill, people are arguing over overhead bin space… and the list goes on.  Just let me tell you that bin space is Not assigned to your seat space! Please throw away your trash before you get on the plane Especially if it’s an awkward shaped pizza box! We don’t have that much room for pizza boxes in the trash bin. Buy a drink in the airport or carry an empty water bottle through security then fill it. Please give us your trash 1 of the 20 times we walk through the aisle. We are the ones that have to pick up your things you leave behind! The next time you fly please be considerate to your flight attendants. Some of them haven’t been home in days. They may not have had time to get off the place to get something to eat throughout the day. More than likely they are probably tired!

So as of now I am putting away my wings. Maybe I’ll pick them back up in the future. We shall see. Now I am just tired physically and mentally and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s been a great ride.

IMG_4568

Damaged Hearts

People/Places/Visits, , , , , , , , ,

The heart is amazing wouldn’t you know.

For the scars over the years are never to show.

You can go on living your life and move on from fear

but the words that scarred will always be near.

We live in a society that always moves on.

People doubt what makes us tick

but little do they know the heart is drowning by a flick, flick, flick.

Damaged hearts will always be worn, some may even be scorn.

Some may say the damage makes you stronger

but what would they know, because the heart will always ponder.

Ponder the things that it’s faced,  because they are things that are untraced.

You may be thinking this is all very somber.

Yes that is true, but does it not make you wonder?

Wonder how people carry  burdens so freely?

How do they determine how life will be;

once they are free and no longer drowning in the sea?

Why do we pass each other so carelessly?

Maybe it’s because of uncertainty.

Regardless of how your heart may be

everyone hopes for sort of normality.

Actually there are a ton of people who are abnormal

some just try to act formal.

Internally it’s all a different game. Some may feel shame.

Some may look for others to blame.

The heart is simply amazing.

 

Like a rapid forest fire spreading

you run and you run to get away.

Some parts turn grey while other parts fray.

But no matter where you go those wounds will always stay.

Wounds heal and usually leave a scar.

The scar makes a story that can be shared with those who look from a-far.

Your story can make a difference and make others perspectives a little more a-jar.

The heart is truly amazing.

There is still a fire that’s blazing.

Blazing and burning for something more.

 

Keep your head held high, and ignore the carnivores that try to eat you alive.

The harsh words and actions that may come out;

are often a defense mechanism to survive.

These repressed feelings are something you can’t ignore.

Go on now, the crowd is screaming encore.

Below are some photos that make my heart beat a little more.

dsc_0552

My friend Lyndel is a part of a Non Profit Organization called Football For The World Foundation. They hold camps all over the world to To improve the quality of life of children through the game of football.  Football For The World Page

dsc_0567

Lyndel was able to get over 40 pairs of football boots,jerseys, balls, and vest donated and sent to Korea so she could hold a camp. I was fortunate enough to be able to help with the camp this time.

dsc_0745

dsc_0578

During the camp we did drills and games with the students. dsc_0703

They had a great time and at the end all the supplies that were donated to use for the camp were gave to the students to keep. It was a great day. dsc_0764

This was a stand when we arrived in the Philippines. This lady makes skewers of chicken and pork to sell for less than a dollar. She was so kind and welcoming. dsc_0781

This was the view from our hostel. I was amazed that we were so close to the beach. It was beautiful. dsc_0789

These were some scallops we ordered. I had tried scallops before and never liked them that much. I’m proud  I gave them another chance, because they were absolutely delicious. dsc_0793

This was right before the sun came up. There has been a storm the night before but I liked the shadow effect it left. dsc_0823

The day cleared up and we did an island tour. It was breathtaking. dsc_0884

My travel buddy Alana! Grateful we could share this experience together. dsc_0923

This fella gave both of us a ride with our bags.. I would imagine we weren’t the lightest of the bunch. He did this each day for his wages. It made me appreciate him even more.

dsc_0993

This was a flower outside of a resort we went to visit. Just up the road was the gate to the exit and outside that exit was a lot of poverty. I would like to think that those who face such extreme conditions can still find beauty in the little things.

img_3484

This is my little sister Mikki. She went fishing and sent me this picture of her first fish. It made my heart smile.

img_3651

My heart beats with scars on it, but thankfully I can still see the beauty in all the madness.

Your heart beats the same as mine. Give someone a little bit of your time.